Caligula (1979)    Penthouse Films-Analysis Film Releasing/Drama    RT: 156 minutes    No MPAA Rating (an abundance of graphic bloody violence, full frontal nudity, explicit hardcore sex and human degradation; it’s the equivalent of an X)    Directors: Tinto Brass, Giancarlo Lui and Bob Guccione (additional scenes)    Screenplay: Gore Vidal    Music: Paul Clemente    Cinematography: Silvano Ippoliti    Release date: February 1, 1980 (US)    Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Toole, John Gielgud, Teresa Ann Savoy, Guido Mannari, Giancarlo Badessi, John Steiner, Bruno Brive, Adriana Asti, Leopoldo Trieste, Paolo Bonacelli.    Box Office: $23.4M (US)

Rating: NO STARS!!!

 Film is a subjective medium. Everybody has their own opinion regarding the best and worst movies. So do I. In regards to the worst, it would be too easy for me to name some cheap schlocky movie like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Robot Monster or a notorious stinker like Heaven’s Gate or Battlefield Earth. They’re bad alright but nowhere near as horrible as Caligula. It’s hands down the most vile, nauseating, unpleasant piece of crap I’ve ever had the misfortune of watching. It not only explores the lowest depths of human degradation, it manages to sink lower by passing itself off as legitimate cinema. It’s not fit to be shown in theaters. It’s not even fit to be shown in the filthiest, foulest outhouse in the world. It is the most disgusting, degrading and depressing 156 minutes you’ll ever experience.

 Ostensibly, Caligula is a biopic of the notorious Roman emperor whose short rule (37-41 AD) is marked by madness and perversion. Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange) plays the disturbed ruler, a man who never came across a sexual deviance he didn’t like. We first see him frolicking with a young woman with whom he’s sexually involved. She’s revealed to be his younger sister Drusilla (Savoy). It’s all downhill from here.

 He’s summoned to the Island of Capri where his great uncle Emperor Tiberius (O’Toole, My Favorite Year) lives in seclusion with his close friend Nerva (Gielgud, Arthur). Caligula discovers that Tiberius has gone completely insane due to syphilis and other venereal diseases. Tiberius lets his great-nephew know that his younger stepbrother Gemellus (Brive) will inherit the throne once he dies. He then tries to poison Caligula with a goblet of wine. After Nerva commits suicide, Tiberius has a stroke. Caligula steals the imperial signet ring right from the ruler’s finger then orders the head guard to murder him. He ascends to the throne and takes Caesonia (Mirren, The Long Good Friday) as his wife for the sole purpose of bearing him a son, an heir to the throne.

 During his short rule, Caligula has many people executed for anything he perceives as “treason”. In fact, Caligula does a lot of terrible things. He becomes increasingly paranoid and delusional, even leading an attack on “Britain” (a nearby island) at one point.  

 Caligula began life as a legitimate historical biopic but the production team was unable to get adequate financing. That’s when Bob Guccione, the founder and publisher of Penthouse magazine, stepped in and saved the day. In doing so, he changed the direction of the movie. He insisted that the modestly-budgeted movie become a large-scale epic along the lines of Ben-Hur. He also directed many scenes of hardcore pornography and inserted them against the objections of director Tinto Brass (Salon Kitty) who ultimately had his name removed from the credits. By the end, it was completely different from Gore Vidal’s original screenplay.

Without the explicit sex scenes, Caligula would have merely been boring. With the material, it’s boring and perverted. It covers any and all sexual practices including incest, rape, bestiality, necrophilia, fisting, pedophilia and many others. There are scenes of urination, ejaculation, masturbation, fellatio, cunnilingus and graphic sex both gay and straight. And we mustn’t forget the violence. Ordinarily, I’m into violence but not in this case. All of it is sickening. The lowlights include a drunken soldier having his urinary tract tied off and gallons of wine poured down his throat before being disemboweled and men being executed in the Colosseum by being buried up to their necks and decapitated by some machine. There are scenes depicting castration, infanticide, fratricide and rape. The makers hold nothing back; everything is right there in full view. Caligula makes Salo, 120 Days of Sodom look like a Disney movie. I don’t consider myself a prude at all, but this movie really does go too far. What makes it even worse is the dark, joyless tone. Orgies are supposed to be fun and festive but you wouldn’t know it from this movie. They’re as ugly and depressing as the rest of the whole miserable affair that is Caligula.

 You’ll notice that several acclaimed actors are involved with Caligula. What, you ask, are McDowell, O’Toole and Gielgud doing here? It’s my theory they didn’t know what the final product was going to be while they were shooting this abomination. At least, Gielgud and O’Toole retain their dignity with quick exits. Poor McDowell gets the short end of the stick; he’s stuck in it until the very end. It’s my understanding that McDowell will not discuss Caligula in interviews. I can’t say that I blame him for wanting to distance himself from it. Even so, he overacts shamelessly as a madman and megalomaniac.  Mirren, in one of her early roles, makes a valiant effort to get through it with some measure of dignity. That’s actually the best way to describe the performances. They’re not acting; they’re trying to get through it with their dignity and reputations intact.

 I can think of many words to describe Caligula without consulting a thesaurus. They are abysmal, putrid, dull, revolting, abhorrent, distasteful, appalling, depraved, ugly, offensive, execrable, debased, humiliating and detestable. The list is endless really. What’s most disturbing about Caligula is that it made money with a domestic gross of $23.4 million. I’m wondering how much of the audience was comprised of dirty old men in raincoats? Caligula is the kind of movie for which you plunk down the exact admission price to avoid lingering at the ticket booth lest you be seen and recognized. NOBODY admits to seeing a movie like this.

 Over the years, Caligula has attained cult status. I don’t get it. It’s monumentally bad on every single level. The melodramatic score by Paul Clemente is horribly overdone. Visually, it’s unsightly. It’s seriously underlit. A gloomy pallor hangs over the whole movie. The characters are repulsive and odious. Caligula’s successor Claudius (Badessi) is depicted as a retarded idiot easy to control. I could go on and on listing all of the movie’s bad qualities. Instead, I’ll be brief and say the whole thing is BAD! It stinks to high heaven and the deepest bowels of hell.

 I’m not sure than any review can capture how bad Caligula really is. I hate to say it, and please don’t take this as any sort of endorsement, but you might just need to see it for yourself. PLEASE don’t take this as a recommendation because it most assuredly is NOT. On the contrary, I urge all of you to avoid Caligula like the plague. These, of course, are empty words as I’m sure some of you still want to watch it anyway. In life, some things have to be seen to be believed. Believe me when I say we’re talking about one giant steaming pile of horse manure here. Its cult status gives me cause to worry about the future of humankind. Have we really sunk low enough to consider Caligula entertainment? It’s as entertaining as a funeral. It goes way, WAY beyond the limits of bad taste. If you insist on watching it, it’s advisable to keep a barf bag nearby. You’ll need it. It leaves you feeling like you’re going to need several hot showers afterwards to wash off the filth and stench. The blame for this abomination doesn’t fall entirely on Guccione or Brass; there’s enough of it to share with everybody involved in its making.

 I remember Roger Ebert’s review of Caligula. As he stood in the theater lobby afterwards, he heard a woman make a comment that perfectly describes this crime against cinema, “This is the worst piece of s— I have ever seen.” Very succinctly put, unknown lady. Caligula is the greatest example of cinematic excrement in existence. Case closed.