If Looks Could Kill (1991) Warner Bros./Action-Comedy RT: 88 minutes Rated PG-13 (language, violence, sexual suggestiveness and references) Director: William Dear Screenplay: Darren Star Music: David Foster Cinematography: Douglas Milsome Release date: March 15, 1991 (US) Cast: Richard Grieco, Linda Hunt, Roger Rees, Robin Bartlett, Gabrielle Anwar, Roger Daltrey, Geraldine James, Michael Siberry, Carole Davis, Frederick Coffin, Tom Rack, Oliver Dear, Cyndy Preston, Michael Sinelnikoff, Travis Swords, Gerry Mendicino, Fiona Reid, Michael Vinokur, Gene Mack, Isabelle Truchon, David McIlwraith. Box Office: $7.8 million (US)
Rating: ***
Did you ever find yourself enjoying a movie despite its shortcomings? That’s the position I found myself in with If Looks Could Kill, a spy spoof starring Richard Grieco (21 Jump Street) as a high school student who finds himself in a dangerous (and not at all believable) situation after being mistaken for a secret agent with the same name as his. I remember not liking this one very much when it first came out. I thought it was corny, stupid and a blatant attempt to make a star out of Grieco like his 21 Jump Street co-star Johnny Depp. Well, that was then. I guess time does make the heart grow fonder. I decided to rewatch it this past weekend. I was looking for something completely mindless and came across If Looks Could Kill in my archives. It fit the bill so I put it on. It’s still stupid, but this time I liked it.
Michael Corben’s (Grieco) slacker ways have finally caught up to him. When he goes to receive his high school diploma, he learns that he will not graduate unless he makes up the French class he spent the school year ditching. The only way he can obtain the needed credit is to accompany the French Club to France for summer school. He’s not too happy about it and neither is the French teacher, Mrs. Grober (Bartlett, Postcards from the Edge), who assures him she will be keeping a very close eye on him. Then, as luck would have it, he learns he’s been upgraded to first class. He doesn’t know why; he just goes with it. Big mistake, dude!
Michael Corben is also the name of a secret agent that nobody’s ever met or seen, at least nobody who’s lived to tell about it. Corben is on his way to France to deal with the murders of several European finance ministers by the villainous economist Augustus Steranko (Rees, Cheers) and his diminutive henchwoman Ilsa Grunt (Hunt, Kindergarten Cop). Well, they don’t know that Steranko is the bad guy just yet. In any event, he sends Ilsa to dispatch Corben at the same airport (in Detroit) the French class is departing from. Meanwhile, the other Michael Corben takes his place in first class not yet aware of what lies ahead.
Upon arriving in France, he’s whisked away by British intelligence to a secret lair where he’s outfitted with a lot of cool gadgets- e.g. exploding chewing gum, X-ray shades and L.A. Gear sneakers with suction cups on the soles- and a sweet ride (a Lotus Esprit) before being sent to a casino to protect Steranko. He isn’t the only one interested in Steranko. There’s a mystery girl, Mariska (Anwar, Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken), who wants Corben out of the way. Who she is and what her motives are I won’t say. It’s as close to a surprise plot twist as you’ll get here. Anyway, it doesn’t take long at all for Corben to get in over his head as he comes face-to-face with his adversaries.
Grieco is no Johnny Depp. He’s not exactly movie star material. At 25, he looks a bit too mature to be playing a high school senior. A college senior, maybe; high school, it’s a non-starter. Also, he looks like he’s wearing mascara in this movie. That being said, he isn’t terrible in If Looks Could Kill. He’s not that good either. However, I will give him credit for not trying to steal the spotlight from his co-stars, all of whom seem to have been encouraged by the director William Dear (Timerider, Harry and the Hendersons) to overact their asses off.
Rees camps it up nicely as a Bond-esque villain with a nefarious plan that involves…. does it really matter? He’s front and center in a scene that says it all about the talking villains who usually show up in the kinds of spy movies If Looks Could Kill goofs on. He states that he’d like to talk to the captured hero to which Ilsa replies that talking is his tragic flaw. Yes, him and every villain in every James Bond movie. Speaking of Hunt, she also turns the camp factor up to 11 with her character. She wears a necklace that doubles as a whip that serves as her weapon of choice.
She’s not the only killer that Corben goes up against. There’s also a fellow (Rack, Mindfield) with a prosthetic claw and a sexy seductress/assassin named Areola Canasta (Davis, Mannequin) who tries to off our hero with a scorpion while making whoopee. Top honors go to Bartlett who’s a riot as the French teacher who everybody thinks is a sleeper agent of some kind, one that goes by “The French Teacher”. She looks like she’s having a lot of fun with her role. Also, look for a great cameo by Who lead singer Roger Daltrey.
It hit me as I watched If Looks Could Kill that it’s not just some dumb random teen action-comedy. Well, it is but it’s more than that. It doesn’t just goof on the spy genre; it subverts it by poking fun at all the conventions of the genre, something it does quite well. It even nails the wretched excess indulged in by many action flicks of the 80s and 90s. I’m not saying that If Looks Could Kill is brilliant or original. It’s neither. It is, however, clever (in its own silly way) and funny. At the same time, it’s mindless and goofy. It has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek. In short, it achieves what it sets out to do. It entertains without taxing the brain. Who can ask for more?
