Conan the Barbarian (1982) Universal/Action-Adventure-Fantasy RT: 129 minutes Rated R (strong graphic violence, nudity, strong sexual content) Director: John Milius Screenplay: John Milius and Oliver Stone Music: Basil Poledouris Cinematography: Duke Callaghan Release date: May 14, 1982 (US) Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Gerry Lopez, Max von Sydow, Ben Davidson, Sven Ole Thorsen, Mako, Valerie Quennessen, Cassandra Gaviola, William Smith, Nadiuska, Jorge Sanz, Luis Barboo, Franco Columbu. Box Office: $39.5 million (US)/$68.8 million (World)
Rating: ****
One tends to recall significant dates in their life. It’s human nature to remember important events- e.g. birthdays, anniversaries, college graduation, etc. Falling into the “etc.” for me is May 15, 1982. It was a Saturday. Why do I remember it? It’s the day I saw Conan the Barbarian for the first time. My dad took me to the 1pm matinee at the City Line Theater. About two hours later, I emerged from the theater a changed Movie Teen. It became my all-time favorite movie. Yes, you read that right and I’ll gladly repeat it for those in the cheap seats. Conan the Barbarian is my all-time favorite movie.
Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the title character in John Milius’ (Big Wednesday) adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s sword-slinging hero from his pulp tales of the 30s. It opens with young Conan witnessing the brutal slayings of his parents at the hands of evil sorcerer Thulsa Doom (Jones, voice of Darth Vader). He’s taken into captivity and chained to the Wheel of Pain where he grows into an extremely muscular adult with only one thing on his mind, avenging his parents. After a successful stint as a pit fighter, he’s freed by his master. He begins his quest with the help of his companions, thief/archer Subotai (surfer Lopez) and thief/warrior Valeria (Bergman, All That Jazz).
When Conan and his cohorts break into a large tower to steal a priceless jewel called the Eye of the Serpent, he finds a jade necklace in the shape of the standard carried by his family’s killers. It belongs to a snake-worshipping doomsday cult led by Thulsa Doom. They’re brought before King Osric (Sydow, Flash Gordon) who offers them a huge fortune to retrieve his wayward daughter (French actress Quennessen, Summer Lovers) who’s fallen under Doom’s power. Conan leaves his companions behind to continue his mission of revenge alone.
Thanks mainly to Conan the Barbarian, I developed a love for sword-and-sorcery flicks. There were quite a few in the early 80s- e.g. Excalibur, Dragonslayer, The Sword and the Sorcerer, Ladyhawke and cheap knock-offs like Sorceress and The Warrior and the Sorceress. Conan the Barbarian is the absolute best of them. It’s part of an elite group of movies that have NO bad parts. Every single frame of it is GREAT! It’s also Schwarzenegger’s debut as a leading man. Although critics weren’t too keen on his performance here, I thought he was an excellent choice for the role. I don’t know what other actor could have portrayed the warrior more convincingly.
One of my favorite aspects of Conan the Barbarian is the eclectic cast selected by Milius. In addition to respected actors like Jones and Sydow, he hired several athletes and bodybuilders with little to no previous acting experience. Besides surfer Lopez and dancer Bergman, he cast former football star Ben Davidson and bodybuilder Sven Ole Thorson as Doom’s main henchmen Rexor and Thorgrim. William Smith (Any Which Way You Can) plays Conan’s wise father in the opening scenes. His mother is played by Italian softcore queen Nadiuska (Spanish Fly). Japanese actor Mako (The Sand Pebbles) plays the wizard Akiro, an ally of Conan’s. I LOVE this cast! It’s a sign of their brilliance that they make the frequently dopey dialogue work.
In addition, Milius strikes the right tone right away by opening Conan the Barbarian with a quote from German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” Yep, that pretty much sums up Conan’s life. Basil Poledouris’ stirring score is perfect. It’s one of the few soundtracks I owned as a teen that wasn’t a Top 40-type deal like Saturday Night Fever, Grease and Flashdance.
Conan the Barbarian also boasts terrific special effects like the 36-foot animatronic snake Conan fights in Doom’s temple. What an amazing sight! It looks so real. The scene itself recalls the opening sequence of Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy carefully tries to remove the idol without setting off another booby trap. Similarly, Conan tries to snatch the jewel without incident only to wake the snake.
What really impressed 14YO Movie Guy was the amount of bloody violence in Conan the Barbarian. At the time, it was the bloodiest movie I ever saw. It was more than people getting stuck with swords, grabbing their sides and falling. There is a lot of spurt and splatter in Conan the Barbarian. People are decapitated, disemboweled, impaled and castrated in raids on secret lairs and battles amidst tombs and skeletal warriors. Action is one thing this movie isn’t short on. It also has cool scenes like Conan’s sexual encounter with a witch (Gaviola, Night Shift) that turns into a wolf and Doom transforming into a snake to escape an attack by Conan and his companions.
If one’s favorite movie is determined by the number of times they’ve seen it, Conan the Barbarian wins hands down for me. I must have seen it at least 100 times since that day in May ’82. I have zero complaints about any of it. In my not-at-all humble opinion, it’s perfect and impossible to top.
ADDED NOTE: Don’t bother with the lame PG sequel Conan the Destroyer or the horrendous 2011 3D remake. Stick with the original.
