Shanghai Surprise (1986) MGM/Comedy-Adventure RT: 93 minutes Rated PG-13 (language, sexual content, some violence, opium use/references) Director: Jim Goddard Screenplay: John Kohn and Robert Bentley Music: George Harrison and Michael Kamen Cinematography: Ernest Vincze Release date: September 19, 1986 (Philadelphia, PA) Starring: Sean Penn, Madonna, Paul Freeman, Richard Griffiths, Philip Sayer, Clyde Kusatsu, Kay Tong Lim, Sonserai Lee, Victor Wong, Professor Toru Tanaka, Michael Aldridge, Sarah Lam, George She. Box Office: $2.3 million (US)
Rating: *
The title Shanghai Surprise refers to an explosive trap disguised as a money belt used to neutralize villains. While effective, it doesn’t help matters any. The movie is still a complete dud.
Shanghai Surprise is a dull, abysmal mess that wants to be The African Queen for the 80s. That’s what the makers had in mind when they set out to adapt the Tony Kenrick novel Faraday’s Flowers. What, you never heard of it? It’s okay, neither have I. It still has to be better than this costly celluloid debacle. It can’t be any worse. In any event, it falls so short of its mark, you have to wonder if Jim Goddard directed it blindfolded.
MGM initially thought they had a hit on their hands with Shanghai Surprise. What would make them think that you ask? It was two things actually, Sean Penn and Madonna. Studio execs had visions of dollar signs dancing in their heads when the real-life couple signed on to star in the picture. They figured the sexy pop star’s legion of fans would turn out to see their idol on the big screen like they did with Desperately Seeking Susan the year before. On top of that, she’d be acting alongside her husband who was becoming more famous for his violent public outbursts than his body of work. How could it possibly miss?
Shanghai Surprise was doomed before it even hit theaters. The bad press surrounding it in the months leading up to its release couldn’t be avoided, not with such a high-profile celebrity couple standing front and center. Their off-screen relationship was often volatile. Penn had a jealousy streak a mile wide not to mention a bad temper when it came to dealing with the press. People of a certain age will surely remember his brushes with the law for assaulting photographers who had the unmitigated gall to take their picture. Mrs. Penn was a diva used to having things her own way. They were the main reasons why it was such a difficult shoot. By the time summer ’86 rolled around, there wasn’t a soul who didn’t read about Shanghai Surprise in the tabloids. The upside to that is that MGM saved a lot of money on advertising. Why spend millions on marketing when the tabloids do it for free?
MGM, upon realizing they actually had a ticking bomb on their hands, bumped Shanghai Surprise from its July release to September. As expected, it flopped BIG TIME. It played for one week and made only $2.3M against a $17M price tag. I saw it at a Saturday matinee and couldn’t believe how dead the normally busy theater was. Once the film got rolling, I understood why completely.
How to accurately describe Shanghai Surprise, that’s the question. Technically, it’s a romantic comedy-adventure. HOWEVER, it has none of any of that. It’s not romantic, funny or thrilling. It’s completely lifeless. It’s not particularly coherent either. The plot, such as it is, deals with a large shipment of opium flowers that went missing during the Battle of Shanghai. They belonged to wealthy drug smuggler Walter Faraday (Freeman, Raiders of the Lost Ark) who presumably died at the soon-to-be-blown off hands of dastardly General Mei Gan (Lim, Off Limits) when he tries to leave the country.
A year later (i.e. 1938), straight-laced missionary nurse Gloria Tatlock (Madonna) hires sleazy, glow-in-the-dark necktie salesman Glendon Wasey (Penn) to help her track down the father of a severely injured soldier. That, of course, is a ruse. What she really wants is to locate the missing opium (aka “Faraday’s Flowers”) which she’ll use to help her patients. Glendon, despite his non-altruistic nature, continues to aid Gloria in her efforts. That’s when things really get murky. Mei Gan, now sporting a pair of ceramic hands, is still after the opium. Characters like private investigator Kronk (Sayer, Xtro), reporter Tuttle (Griffiths, the Harry Potter movies) and criminal underworld figure Joe Go (In the Line of Fire) keep popping up. There’s some nonsense about a mysterious prostitute named China Doll (Lee) and some jewels stolen from the tomb of a Chinese empress. Then there’s the big surprise plot twist involving Gloria’s boss Mr. Burns. But is it really a surprise? Moreover, does it even matter by this point? It’s just another step on the movie’s journey to nowhere.
There are a great many problems with Shanghai Surprise, but the two biggest are its stars (and their egos). Whatever chemistry the former Mr. and Mrs. Penn had in real life does not translate to reel life. There is none whatsoever here. Sean is no Humphrey Bogart and Madonna is definitely no Katherine Hepburn. Shanghai Surprise illustrates that married couples do NOT automatically have great on-screen chemistry.
In her second major movie role, Madonna proves beyond a reasonable doubt that she’s completely devoid of any and all acting talent. She is completely miscast as a pious sort who gets a little dirty (in one scene, literally) as she develops feelings for a drunken, dishonest con man. She deservedly took home the Golden Raspberry for Worst Actress that year. To be fair, it wasn’t just her terrible performance that made the Madonna-bes steer clear. The singer doesn’t get to sing in the movie. She doesn’t have a single song on the soundtrack.
Penn doesn’t fare much better. He’s actually a talented actor who would go on to win Oscars for his roles in Mystic River and Milk. The problem is he takes himself much too seriously as an actor to effectively play the lead in a frivolous rom-com-adventure. For him, it’s all work and no fun. His methodology was the root of many of the problems he had on the set with Goddard.
The blame for the failure of Shanghai Surprise doesn’t rest entirely with the Penns. A fair share of it goes to Goddard who directs flatly. It moves at roughly the same pace as a rickshaw being pulled by an elderly driver. The action scenes are poorly done. There’s hardly anything less interesting than a rickshaw chase through the crowded streets of Shanghai. The guys pulling them can only run so fast. Yet the director seems to think he can get a lot of mileage out of this. It’s clear he was trying for something along the lines of Romancing the Stone only for the whole movie to land with a heavy, resounding thud.
The boring and convoluted screenplay by John Kohn and Robert Bentley doesn’t help at all. It’s bad enough the leads can’t deliver a single line with a shred of conviction. The terrible dialogue they’re forced to say makes it ten times worse. It sounds like the writers wrote it while watching old movies on the late show.
On a positive note, co-producer/ex-Beatle George Harrison contributes some good songs to the soundtrack. It stands to reason that he’d at least do some of the music since Shanghai Surprise was produced by his company, HandMade Films. They’re the ones responsible for the equally lousy Time Bandits.
There’s absolutely no reason to see Shanghai Surprise. Unlike many bad movies, this one does NOT get better with age. It’s not campy, trashy or kitschy. It’s just crappy! Not even the exotic locations make it worth a look. You’re better off looking at travel brochures if you want to see the beauty and mystique of Shanghai. No, this one is a total and utter failure on every level. Thankfully, it’s the only movie the Penns made together. Unfortunately, Madonna didn’t learn from her mistake. She would go on to make the wretched Swept Away remake with second hubby Guy Ritchie.
