Madame Web (2024) Columbia/Action-Adventure RT: 117 minutes Rated PG-13 (violence/action, language) Director: S.J. Clarkson Screenplay: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker and S.J. Clarkson Music: Johan Soderqvist Cinematography: Mauro Fiore Release date: February 14, 2024 (US) Cast: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor, Tahar Rahim, Adam Scott, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, Zosia Mamet, Jose Maria Yazpik, Jill Hennessy.
Rating: ** ½
They say any praise is good praise so with that in mind, let me say that Madame Web isn’t the stink bomb everybody’s making it out to be. Like the rest of you, I heard all the negative buzz surrounding this latest entry in the SSU (Sony’s Spider-Man Universe) and went in with knives sharpened, ready to cut it to shreds. Much to my shock, it didn’t suck. That is to say, it’s nowhere near as bad as Morbius. At the same time, it’s a long way from the best of the MCU and MCU-adjacent films. The narrative is a mess, the acting isn’t particularly good and the screenplay is littered with gargantuan plot holes. Yet there’s something compelling about it all. It’s like a terrible train wreck; I can’t not look.
I suppose a little background info is in order here. Myself, I never even heard of Madame Web until I saw the trailer for Madame Web. Here’s all you need to know. Her real name is Cassandra Webb. She’s a clairvoyant who sometimes helps Spider-Man. She was in the comic books. This is her origin story. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s proceed.
Her story begins in 1973 in a Peruvian jungle where her very pregnant mother (Bishe, Halt and Catch Fire) is searching for a rare species of spider whose venom has healing powers. She intends to use it to cure incurable diseases. Her guide and protector Ezekiel (Rahim, The Past) has other ideas. He steals the spider and leaves her for dead. Fortunately, she’s found by a tribe of spider-people who keep her alive long enough to give birth to Cassandra.
The story jumps ahead to 2003 where we find Cassie Webb (Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey) living alone and working as a paramedic in Queens, NY. Socially awkward to the max, she’s better at saving people’s lives than relating to them. Cassie ends up needing to be saved after she nearly drowns at the scene of a car accident. One near-death experience later, her partner and friend Ben Parker* (Scott, Krampus) brings her back to the land of the living. Shortly thereafter, Cassie starts having visions of things yet to happen. She slowly realizes she can see into the future; the only problem is she doesn’t know how to control it.
Meanwhile, our old pal Ezekiel is quite possibly the most powerful man in NYC. Not only does he have enhanced physical abilities, he can also see into the future. That’s how he knows his death is imminent and will come at the hands of three women (or should I say Spider-Women). He decides to head fate off at the pass and kill the girls- shy Julia Cornwall (Sweeney, Anyone But You), fiercely independent Anya Corazon (Merced, The Last of Us) and rebellious rich girl Mattie Franklin (O’Connor, Ghostbusters: Afterlife)- while they’re still teens. Lucky for them, Cassie sees their deaths and intervenes. Now their protector, she must stay one step ahead of Ezekiel and the authorities (they think she kidnapped the girls) while she figures out what’s happening and how to stop it. Oh, and how to use her powers too.
It’d be totally redundant for me to engage in superhero movie bashing yet again. I think I covered my thoughts on the genre in multiple previous reviews. Instead, I’m going to focus solely on Madame Web. Like I said before, I didn’t hate it. It’s not the worst of its ilk. It’s actually kind of entertaining albeit for all the wrong reasons. The notion of casting Dakota Johnson as a superhero alone is funnier than any given scene in the recent spy misfire Argylle. That is some serious, high-level miscasting.
None of the acting in Madame Web is any good, but it stands to reason that would be the case with barely developed characters like the ones presented here. It’s not for lack of exposition though. There’s a whole lot of that going on and it all amounts to nothing. I’ll say this for Johnson. She’s a charming, endearing sort. She’s ideal for comedic roles in rom-coms and the like (e.g. How to Be Single). She’s less successful in more serious roles. She is definitely NOT an action hero. However, I do like the awkward quality she brings to the part of Cassie. Her interactions with her three young charges are one of the film’s stronger points. The problem lies with the girls. They’re very thinly drawn, reduced to character types rather than characters. In one scene, each girl gets roughly a minute of less to tell their story- one is ignored at home, one has absent parents and the other left on her own- and that’s it. It’s a shame because they’re played by good actresses whose talents go untapped here. Rahim, another talented actor, is wasted as the villain, one of the most unmemorable I’ve seen in these comic book movies.
Let’s talk about the script here. I’m wondering if the gaping plot holes and lack of cohesiveness is the result of bad writing or post-production tinkering. Either way, Madame Web is a mess. I have so many questions. For example, how is it Cassie is able to drive around the city in a stolen taxi for days and not get stopped by the cops? They must have an APB out on the vehicle. Okay, how about this? How is it she’s able to travel to Peru when she’s wanted for kidnapping? I know there’s an APB out for her and it’s right after 9/11. How lax is security at that airport? Maybe it’s best NOT to apply logic (or even common sense) while watching Madame Web.
The fight scenes are about what you’d expect in a superhero movie. All CGI, haphazardly edited and not all that exciting. The flashback and flash-forward scenes are poorly handled too. Director S.J. Clarkson (Anatomy of a Scandal) delivers her feature film debut with a clumsiness one rarely sees outside a Chevy Chase fan club meeting. Again, this could be the result of post-production tampering. I’ll never understand what makes studio execs think they know more about filmmaking than the actual filmmakers. Guys and girls, stay in your lane!
Even with all its flaws, I couldn’t help but enjoy Madame Web. It didn’t leave me with a massive headache. It didn’t make me curse the state of film today. It didn’t make me regret losing the time I spent watching it. It did make me shake my head and laugh on more than one occasion. I realize this is back-handed praise, but it’s better than none at all.
P.S. No need to stick around for the credits. There are NO bonus scenes.
*= Yes, THAT Ben Parker!
