Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985) Crown International/Action RT: 94 minutes Rated R (language, violence, nudity, some sexual content) Director: Emmett Alston Screenplay: Emmett Alston Music: Cecile Colayco Cinematography: Roy H. Wagner Release date: August 30, 1985 (Philadelphia, PA) Cast: Sho Kosugi, Brent Huff, Emilia Lesniak, Blackie Dammett, Regina Richardson, Vijay Amritraj, Lisa Friedman, Kane Kosugi, Shane Kosugi, Bruce Fanger, Sonny Erang, Aiko Cownden, Jennifer Crumrine. Box Office: N/A
Rating: ***
Answer me this, where can you find a team of lesbian commandos, kung fu midgets and a German villain in a wheelchair with a really bad accent? The answer is Nine Deaths of the Ninja, a really cheesy martial arts exploitation flick starring Sho Kosugi (Revenge of the Ninja).
While it has plenty of the ninja stuff, Nine Deaths of the Ninja really wants to be a James Bond-type movie replete with an opening credits sequence featuring Kosugi busting some serious kung fu moves surrounded by sexy dancing girls, all to the tune of a song by a female singer. Every time I watch this one, I feel like I’m in bad movie heaven. That’s the highest praise I can offer a movie like this.
The funny thing is it wasn’t released by Cannon Films. Nope, I’m afraid Nine Deaths of the Ninja is too low-caliber for the studio that gave us the original Ninja trilogy (Enter, Revenge and Domination). A movie this bad could only come from Crown International, the ones responsible for the likes of Kill Point, Tomboy and Weekend Pass. It’s so bad it’s actually deliriously entertaining.
I remember when it opened at the movies. It was Labor Day weekend ’85 and I tried to talk my dad into making the long trek to Northeast Philadelphia to check it out. It didn’t happen, we ended up staying local and seeing Compromising Positions instead. Fortunately, Nine Deaths of the Ninja made enough of a non-impact that Crown put it out on video about a month later. You know I snatched up that sucker the day it came out.
Nine Deaths of the Ninja opens with a routine training exercise in which an anti-terrorist team led by Spike “Lollipop” Shinobi (Kosugi) easily defeats the bad guys. Next up, the aforementioned credits sequence which is too funny for words. Then we get to the plot. Terrorists, led by the evil Alby the Cruel (Dammett, Lethal Weapon), take a busload of tourists hostage in Manila. His objective is to force the government to release the Middle Eastern terrorist Rahji (Erang) from prison. Among the hostages are an American congressman, a little girl with a heart condition (Crumrine), a hot tour guide (Friedman) and a couple of Asian kids (Kosugi’s sons Kane and Shane). Alby’s chief henchwoman is Honey Hump (Richardson, Tightrope), a stone-cold lesbian with a trio of gun-toting hotties.
The local head of law enforcement (Amritraj, Octopussy) summons help and it arrives in the form of Spike and his team. They are Steve Gordon (Huff, The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak [I assure you this is a real movie title!]), a handsome ladies man and Jennifer Barnes (Lesniak, Hollywood Vice Squad), a blonde as bad ass as she is hot. BTW, Spike is called Lollipop due to his propensity for those particular sweet treats. Now it’s up to them to track down and rescue the prisoners before Alby makes good on his threat to kill them all.
I haven’t forgotten about the kung fu midgets. They attack our heroes in a museum while they’re tracking down a possible lead. It’s too bad they’re only in that one scene; they totally add something to whole campy experience of Nine Deaths of the Ninja. I did forget to mention that Spike is a former ninja whose master told him he must follow a different path after making a near-fatal mistake during a fight with a rival clan. He’s still every bit the ninja, dispatching bad guys with throwing stars and swords.
Kosugi may be a well-oiled fighting machine, but he’s a lousy actor. The guy can’t deliver dialogue to save his life. He’s like the Asian version of Charles Bronson with his array of stone-faced facial expressions that runs the gamut from A1 to A2. His co-stars aren’t much better, but the Worst Acting dishonors go to Dammett and Richardson. His ridiculous fake German accent belongs in a bad 40s B-movie; the makers may as well have named him Klaus or Fritz. She delivers all of her dialogue with this exaggerated wild-eyed look on her face. These villains are too ludicrous to be dangerous. Oh yeah, Alby has a pet monkey and all I could think about was Mike Myers’ Dieter character from SNL (“Touch my monkey!”).
Nine Deaths of the Ninja is only slightly better in terms of its technical aspects. I’ve seen much worse editing and cinematography. The fight choreography is about average for a low-budget job like this.
As a whole, Nine Deaths of the Ninja is pure B-level action movie silliness. It’s one of those bad movies where you’re laughing your head off the entire time. I’m not sure that’s what director Emmett Alston (New Year’s Evil) was going for, but a win is a win. If it fails as a martial arts actioner, it succeeds as an unintentional comedy. Interestingly enough, it’s on a DVD paired with Kill Point and I’ll tell you what, it makes for a decent Saturday night double feature. It’s best watched with your brain in the OFF mode. It’s a lot of fun if you dig bad movies. Let’s call it a “chop-schlocky classic”.
