The Greek Tycoon (1978)    Universal/Drama    RT: 112 minutes    Rated R (language, brief violence, nudity, sex, mature themes)    Director: J. Lee Thompson    Screenplay: Mort Fine    Music: Stanley Myers    Cinematography: Anthony Richmond    Cast: Anthony Quinn, Jacqueline Bisset, Raf Vallone, Edward Albert, James Franciscus, Camilla Sparv, Marilu Tolo, Charles Durning, Luciana Paluzzi, Robin Clarke, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Roland Culver.    Box Office: $14.6 million (US)

Rating: *** ½

 The notorious stinker The Greek Tycoon has one of the greatest punchlines of all time. As we all know, movies (almost) always have a disclaimer in the end credits that reads: “The characters and events depicted in this photoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons living or dead is purely coincidental.” I’m not sure if it was entirely necessary in this case. The story concerns a Greek oil magnate who marries the widow of an assassinated American president. There’s no way something like this could happen in real life, right?

 Let me give you the salient points of The Greek Tycoon. Anthony Quinn (Zorba the Greek) stars as “Theo Tomasis”, an insanely wealthy Greek tycoon who lives on a yacht. He has a strained relationship with his son “Nico” (Albert, Galaxy of Terror) who later dies in a plane crash. He’s involved in an extramarital affair with celebrity “Sophia Matalas” (Tolo, Marriage Italian Style). He has legal problems relating to his violation of international shipping laws. Tomasis becomes smitten with “Liz Cassidy” (Bisset, Murder on the Orient Express), the wife of “Senator Jack Cassidy” (Franciscus, Beneath the Planet of the Apes), later elected President. It’s vaguely implied the politician is a philanderer. One of his first official acts as President is appointing his brother (Clarke, Inseminoid) Attorney General. After her husband’s murder, Liz enters into a marriage-for-money contract with the older Tomasis. Does any of this sound familiar? It should unless you’ve been living in another universe for the past 60 years.

 The very idea that The Greek Tycoon is a work of fiction is absolutely laughable. A few details have been changed, but we know the real-life figures the “fictional” characters are supposed to be standing in for. This alone makes for great unintentional comedy.

 Directed by J. Lee Thompson (The Guns of Navarone), The Greek Tycoon is basically a glorified jet set soap opera featuring beautiful rich people in exotic locations doing whatever it is that wealthy people do to pass the time. Tomasis spends a lot of time partying on his yacht, hitting on every beautiful woman that crosses his path. When he’s with Liz, they ride around in fancy cars and visit ancient ruins. They’re always wearing sunglasses. Liz wears a series of expensive designer clothes.

 The Greek Tycoon is considered one of the worst movies ever made. Truth be told, it’s not all that bad if you look at it as trashy melodrama ripped from the headlines of sleazy tabloids. It’s like one of those scandal stories where the writer fills in the gaps with speculation and suggestion. The one thing I know for sure is made up is the plot thread involving Tomasis’ rocky relationship with his brother Spyros (Vallone, The Italian Job). The real-life figure didn’t have a brother. He’s been added to create more drama. He marries Tomasis’ first wife, an act the tycoon considers betrayal. They duke it out for a bit before Tomasis wishes him well. There’s a lot going on in The Greek Tycoon, but it lacks dramatic momentum. At times, it just drifts.

 If nothing else, The Greek Tycoon is a good-looking movie. The cinematography by Anthony Richmond is gorgeous, but is it even possible to make sunny Greece look like anything but paradise on earth? Quinn and Bisset make an attractive couple even with the considerable age difference between them (nearly 30 years). Their performances are another story. They’re both talented actors, but they’re not at their finest here. Quinn overacts in several scenes and regresses to Zorba mode in others. Bisset’s performance appears to be limited to standing around looking beautiful. She has moments, like when she calls out Tomasis for embarrassing her in front of his friends, when she shows what she’s capable of if given something to do. Both Albert and Vallone ham it up shamelessly.

 Writer Mort Fine (The Pawnbroker) crams a lot of material into the space of 112 minutes resulting in a few underdeveloped plot lines. Surely, Tomasis’ legal problems deserve a little more attention as does his relationship with his only son. The dialogue tends to be absurd. The Greek Tycoon is a bit of a mess but it’s an entertaining mess. It’s like a filmed version of the trashy Sidney Sheldon novels women read at the beach or by the pool. And let’s not forget the great punchline. It’s what makes the whole affair worthwhile or worthless depending on your tolerance for soapy melodrama.