Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) Astor Pictures/Sci-Fi RT: 64 minutes No MPAA rating (some bloodless violence) Director: Arthur Hilton Screenplay: Roy Hamilton Music: Elmer Bernstein Cinematography: William P. Whitley Release date: September 3, 1953 (US) Cast: Sonny Tufts, Victor Jory, Marie Windsor, William Phipps, Douglas Fowley, Carol Brewster, Suzanne Alexander, Susan Morrow, Betty Arlen, Roxann Delman, Ellye Marshall, Judy Walsh. Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
How many clues does the average person require in order to identify a supremely bad movie? I suppose it depends on the individual and how much knowledge he/she possesses about cinema? There are many signs pertaining to the quality of Cat-Women of the Moon, a super-cheap sci-fi-adventure originally released in 3D. The most obvious identifier is the title. With a name like that, you know you’re not talking about a potential Oscar winner.
Then there’s the film’s star Sonny Tufts. He’s considered one of the worst actors to ever grace the silver screen. Hailed as “The Male Sensation of 1944”, his illustrious career consists of one cinematic stinker after another- e.g. The Government Girl, The Well Groomed Bride, Serpent Island and his piece of resistance Cat-Women of the Moon. So prolific was Tufts among bad actors that the Medved brothers devoted an entire section of their book The Golden Turkey Awards to his films. The only reason he even became a star was because all the good actors were off fighting WWII. Pickings were slim and Tufts’ good looks served him well as did his 4-F status. It certainly wasn’t talent that made him a star. Honestly, I’m shocked he managed to find work after the war ended.
These are the two biggest indicators of how truly terrible Cat-Women of the Moon is. There’s one other, but only true movie aficionados will spot it. One of the producers is Al Zimbalist who also unleashed the notorious sci-fi stinker Robot Monster on the moviegoing public that same year. To be fair, Cat-Women of the Moon is marginally better; that is to say, it’s not completely unwatchable. However, like its cinematic sibling, it runs just over an hour and still feels overlong. I had an easier time sitting through Reds which is three times as long. Do the math, it adds up.
For the purposes of this review, let’s forget the science in Cat-Women of the Moon doesn’t add up. It was 1953 and not a lot was known about space travel. A trip to the moon was still the subject of fiction. At one point, one of the characters alludes to the myth about the moon being made of green cheese. If scientists hadn’t figured it out yet, it’s a safe bet filmmakers knew even less than they did. 70+ years later, school kids know more than the astronauts in this movie.
Our story begins aboard a rocket ship heading for the moon. The crew consists of five men….. oops, I mean four men and a woman. Although Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique was ten years away, the seeds of Women’s Lib had already been planted by Rosie the Riveter during WWII. So it is that the crew of the nameless spacecraft has a female navigator, Helen Salinger (Windsor, The Narrow Margin). Her male crewmates are Commander Laird Grainger (Tufts), co-pilot Kip Reissner (Jory, Gone with the Wind), communications officer Doug Smith (Phipps, Invaders from Mars), engineer Walt Walters (Fowley, Mighty Joe Young) and navigator Helen Salinger (Windsor, The Narrow Margin).
Now for the salient points about the characters. Laird is a rigid, by-the-book type with the personality of a slab of marble. Kip is less rigid about rules and procedures. He’s also Laird’s rival for Helen’s affections. Walt Walters (hereafter referred to as W2) is a greedy opportunist always looking to make an easy buck. When he hears the moon is rich with gold, he all but creams his spacesuit. The only thing to be said about Doug is that he hits the male trifecta- young, dumb and horny. And then there’s Helen.* For now, I’ll just say she’s being guided by a power greater than herself.
Let’s talk about set design for a minute. Wait until you get a load of the control room which looks more like a cramped office at an accounting firm. It also seems to be the only room on the vessel. It’s furnished with rollaway cots (for sleepy time), desk chairs with wheels (?!) and consoles with buttons, dials and flashing lights. There’s a single window through which you can see a matte painting of outer space. Yeah, this is some cheap Ed Wood s***!
As the rocket nears its destination, Helen starts acting strangely. At times, it seems like she’s in a trance of some kind. She suggests landing on the dark side of the moon then proceeds to lead the others to a cave where they can inexplicably breathe without the aid of their space suits. It also houses a pair of giant (fake) spiders that attack them. Thank God Kip has his trusty handgun with him. And Laird told him not to bring it. HA! Shows how much you know, boss.
The cave leads to an ancient city that turns out to be home to a race of alien beings, the cat-women of the title. Clad in skin-tight black leotards and sporting heavy black eye makeup, they welcome their male visitors and invite them to stay the night. It’s not like they have a choice in the matter. The feline fatales have their spacesuits and won’t return them until the next day. Could they possibly be plotting something?
So what’s up with Helen? How is it she knew exactly where to land and where to go once they set foot on the surface? And why does nothing appear to faze her? So it turns out the cat-women possess the ability to communicate telepathically with females of any planetary race. The leader Alpha (Brewster, Untamed Women) has been in contact with Helen for years. She’s the one that gave Helen her aptitude for math and science. She’s the real brains of Operation Helen. She brought her here with the intention of seizing the rocket ship and catching a ride to Earth so she and her sisters-in-claws can take it over.
Taking control of the vessel shouldn’t be all that difficult. Men are so easily manipulated by the promise of…. well, you couldn’t actually come right out and say it in ’53, but it’s obvious what they’re getting at here. It’s not rocket science after all. So it is that the cat-women use their feminine wiles to seduce the guys. The only one that doesn’t fall for it is Kip who won’t even partake of the food and drink they offer. Besides, he’s too preoccupied with winning Helen away from his commanding officer.
Movies like Cat-Women of the Moon are best watched with an open mind and a goofy grin. It makes them easier to digest. While not as howlingly bad as Plan 9 from Outer Space, it does have its moments. I’m particularly fond of the scene where the cat-women do this group dance that apparently has seductive sway over the menfolk that witness it. I don’t know who choreographed it, but I can say without an ounce of doubt Jerome Robbins has nothing to worry about. It’s about as sexy as a bunch of young girls performing in the middle school talent show. It should be mentioned that there are only two other cat-women of note, Beta (Alexander, Down Three Dark Streets) and Lambda (Morrow, Canadian Mounties vs. Atomic Invaders). The rest are just there to serve and tempt. The actresses playing the cat-women are credited in the opening as “The Hollywood Cover Girls” which tells me the producers don’t see them as individuals either.
It’s hard to say which is worse in Cat-Women of the Moon, the acting or the dialogue. They’re both heinous. Sonny easily leads the pack in terms of performance…. poor performance, that is. You want to see wooden acting? He’s your guy! Keep him away from open flames at all times. Is it any mystery why he didn’t achieve superstar status? His brush with fame was fleeting and eventually petered out by the late 50s aside from one last little hurrah with a small supporting role in the Marilyn Monroe comedy The Seven Year Itch. Tufts then went fame to infamy with his heavy drinking and brushes with the law. He became a running joke on Johnny Carson for several years until his death from pneumonia in 1970.
The rest of the cast isn’t much better. They’re all pretty wooden. What’s truly sad is a lot of them, Jory and Windsor in particular, have been in better movies. Cat-Women of the Moon is the kind of movie you sign on for when your career is waning. It’s a paycheck, nothing more. My question is this. Are they being paid enough to keep straight faces while delivering the dopey dialogue? Listen to this exchange.
Lambda: “I love you, Doug and I must kill you.”
Doug: “I love you too, Lambda and I’m not afraid.”
Here’s another line that should be immortalized:
Walt: “You’re too smart for me, baby. I like ‘em stupid.”
Okay, just one more. Check out this opening narration by Tufts:
“The eternal wonders of space and time. The far away dreams and mysteries of other worlds. Other life. The stars. The planets. Man has been face to face with them for centuries, yet is barely able to penetrate their unknown secrets. Sometime, someday, the barrier will be pierced. Why must we wait? Why not now?”
It makes me wonder if this is where Ed Wood learned all he knew about writing dialogue.
The special effects are strictly of the dime store variety. They are cheap, cheap, CHEAP! In fact, everything about Cat-Women of the Moon is cheap. The makers couldn’t even afford to fix composer Elmer Bernstein’s name (misspelled “Bernstien”) in the opening credits. YES, it’s that Elmer Bernstein, the same guy who composed the Magnificent Seven theme, that Elmer Bernstein. Back to the terrible FX, the rocket (clearly a model) is about as convincing as a child’s toy. The part where a flaming comet hits the spacecraft is especially bad. The rocket does a complete 360 yet it has zero effect on the crew or the furnishings. You’d think it would do at least a little damage, right? The giant spiders are also totally fake looking, but I’ll still take them over anything CGI.
Cat-Women of the Moon, it’s a bad one alright. But you know what? I had fun watching it. Sure, my patience started to wear out a little near the end, but it wasn’t nearly as trying a watch as any of the recent Marvel movies. It knows what it is and never pretends to be anything more. I admire and respect that.
*= Admit it, you started playing the Maude theme song in your brain after you read this sentence, didn’t you?
