Battlefield Earth (2000) Warner Bros./Sci-Fi-Action RT: 118 minutes Rated PG-13 (intense sci-fi action) Director: Roger Christian Screenplay: J.D. Shapiro and Corey Mandell Music: Elia Cmiral Cinematography: Giles Nuttgens Release date: May 12, 2000 (US) Cast: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker, Kim Coates, Richard Tyson, Sabine Karsenti, Michael McCrae, Michael Byrne, Sean Hewitt, Michael Perron, Shaun Austin-Olsen, Christian Tessier, Sylvain Landry, Kelly Preston. Box Office: $21.4M (US)/$29.7M (World)
Rating: ½*
You know those scenes in movies and TV shows where somebody asks God for a sign and it’s immediately followed by a thunderclap, an object falling down or somebody suddenly bursting into the room? I always dismissed it as falderal until the night of the prelease screening for Battlefield Earth. The events of that night prove conclusively that God does indeed send signs to warn of impending danger or doom.
It started out with some confusion over where the screening was being held. We went to a theater in the city only to be sent to another theater 16 miles away. When we got to theater number two, they tried to send us back to theater number one. After some debate, we were told we could stay. Twenty minutes into the movie, a storm knocked the power out and everybody got sent home. If all of this wasn’t a sign from God NOT to see Battlefield Earth, I don’t know what is.
Not one to give up easily where movies are concerned, I returned to the second theater opening night with my free re-admittance pass in hand. I was determined to see Battlefield Earth. That night, I saw it in its entirety, but it was hardly what I’d call a victory. Hell, it wasn’t even a booby prize. It was just pure hell. I should have paid heed to the signs and quit while I was ahead. What can I say? My love of cinema knows no bounds.
Call me a glutton for punishment if you must, but I decided I just had to review Battlefield Earth for my website. In order to do so effectively, I would have to watch it again. So be it. Braver men than me have made greater sacrifices for the benefit of mankind. If they can give their lives, surely I can give up two hours of my life rewatching this colossal sci-fi stink bomb, “stink” being the operative term here. Battlefield Earth stinks in more ways than one. Every single character in it, human and alien alike, is dirty and unwashed. You can literally smell their foul stench emanating from the screen and polluting the air around you. Theaters must have gone broke buying up enough Lysol to clear the air between showings. I’ve been in outhouses that smell better than this cinematic turd.
While directed by Roger Christian (Masterminds), the real “brain” behind Battlefield Earth is its star, devout Scientologist John Travolta. Adapting his religion’s founder L. Ron Hubbard’s massive sci-fi novel had been a pet project of the actor’s for several years. In the late 90s, thanks to a solid comeback in Pulp Fiction, he had enough clout in Hollywood to get it done. Does this mean Quentin Tarantino is partly to blame for his folly? It could very well be the costliest display of religious devotion in the history of mankind. It’s definitely the biggest ego trip ever captured on film. The irony is it did more harm than good to Travolta’s image. He’s been in bad movies before (Moment by Moment, Staying Alive, Perfect and Shout to name but a few), but Battlefield Earth beats them all, even Look Who’s Talking Too. He makes a damn fool of himself as the primary antagonist, a 7-foot tall alien named Terl. It’s a performance that goes WAY beyond embarrassing. I shouldn’t even dignify it by calling it a performance.
Set in the year 3000, Earth has been ruled for 10 centuries by a malevolent alien race called the Psychlos. You can identify them by their matted hair, rotten teeth and disgusting facial features. They are, in a word, UGLY! They’re supposedly an advanced race of aliens. It took them only nine minutes to defeat our forces and take over the whole planet. 1000 years later, the few remaining people live like cavemen. They hide out in irradiated areas Psychlos cannot enter because the gas they breathe reacts badly with radioactivity. Uh, shouldn’t it affect humans too or did they build up an immunity to radioactivity over generations? It’s just one of many gaping plot holes you’ll find in Battlefield Earth.
The one running the show is Terl, the head of security who’s just been informed that his tour of duty on Earth has been extended indefinitely. It’s something to do with some unexplained incident involving “the Senator’s daughter”. He comes up with a scheme to teach the “man-animals” how to use machinery to mine for gold that he can use to bribe his way back into his superiors’ good graces.
This is where the hero Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Pepper, Saving Private Ryan) enters the picture. After being captured and brought to Psychlo headquarters in Denver, he’s personally chosen by Terl to be trained in all things Psychlo- speaking their language, flying their aircraft, etc.- after he shows intelligence uncommon to man-animals. Johnny uses it as opportunity to plan a revolt against alien leaders.
Believe me when I tell you Battlefield Earth sounds better on paper than it actually is. There is NOTHING positive to say about it on paper or anywhere else. Some of the comments I’d like to make are only fit for public restroom walls. The only thing one could argue it has going for it is the terrible dialogue the actors get saddled with. How can I put this? You could write every line of dialogue on index cards, paste them on a big wall one-by-one, throw darts while blindfolded and hit a winner each time. There isn’t a single word uttered in Battlefield Earth proving the existence of intelligent life. All of it is awful. Thankfully, some of it is laughably awful.
Of course, Travolta gets the lion’s share of bad dialogue with lines like “Exterminate all man-animals at will and happy hunting!”, “While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!” and repeatedly calling Johnny “rat brain”. BUT the prize goes to Mrs. Travolta (an uncredited Kelly Preston) as a female Psychlo in cahoots with Terl against the boss – aka “His Planetship” (Olsen, Resident Evil: Apocalypse)- when she tells him “I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.” She should have filed for divorce right there and then. I should think making her appear in an ugly mess of a sci-fi movie is a textbook example of intolerable cruelty.
“Ugly” is another key term when it comes to describing Battlefield Earth. It is the ugliest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s even uglier than Def-Con 4 if you can believe it. The overall look is one of filth, grime, grunge and grubbiness. If ever a hidden cache of soap and Pine-Sol was desperately needed, it’s here. The alien make-up is hideous. How hideous? In a crossover, there’d be a sign above the Star Wars cantina door reading “No Psychlos Allowed”. The breathing apparatuses they wear look like snot noodles hanging from their noses. They wear these outfits that suggest Batman plays in a 70s disco cover band in his spare time. The humans dress in rags and grunt a lot. It has a bombastic score that will cause your head to pound. The visuals, with special effects that make the ones in reruns of the original Star Trek look sophisticated, are drab and odious. Christian makes excessive use of Dutch angles and transitional wipes between scenes. He says he was going for the look of a comic book. I say he’s engaging in artistic self-gratification.
Travolta isn’t the only actor besmirched by Battlefield Earth. Whitaker, looking like the Cowardly Lion from The Wiz, hams it down badly as Terl’s deputy assistant Ker. In some scenes, you can tell by the smile on his face exactly what he’s thinking: “What the f*** is this?” Either that or “I’m firing my agent as soon as we’re done.” Pepper appeared to be a star on the rise with titles like Saving Private Ryan, Enemy of the State and The Green Mile under his belt. Battlefield Earth could have killed his career. It certainly didn’t help it. He makes a valiant effort, but there’s no overcoming a lousy screenplay filled with idiotic plot holes big enough to fly a whole space armada through.
I have a buttload of questions about Battlefield Earth. No, I don’t expect any answers (ones that make sense anyway), but they bear asking nonetheless. If I understand correctly, the Psychlo invasion went down 1000 years earlier. If that’s the case, how is it that fixtures from a miniature golf course are still intact? For that matter, why isn’t the abandoned shopping mall completely gutted and destroyed? Why are there still books in the Denver library? They should have disintegrated after 1000 years. Either that or be used by humans to fuel fires for warmth. Why does a flight simulator at an abandoned military base still work? Does it operate on self-charging batteries? Why hasn’t anybody helped themselves to the nuclear weapons stored there? If the Psychlos are so smart, why doesn’t Terl know what humans eat? His kind has been on Earth long enough to familiarize themselves with the indigenous human life forms. He should know they don’t eat rats unless they have no other choice. What’s really bad is how all of this contradicts the basic premise of the Psychlos being an intellectually superior race. From what I see, they’re all idiots. The biggest plot hole of all is the notion of them conquering the planet without blowing themselves up first.
I had it in mind to put Battlefield Earth on my 10 Worst Movies list in place of Knock Off. However, upon close examination, I find I cannot. It’s a terrible movie alright. Everything about it sucks. It’s like spending two hours in a small space with a sweaty, smelly creep that hasn’t showered since the start of the Clinton administration, one that looks suspiciously like John Travolta. You’ll feel the need for a long, hot shower after this miserable experience. At the same time, it’s absolutely laughable. I found myself laughing derisively a lot. It making me laugh is the sole reason for the half-star rating. The funniest thing about it is what happened after it bombed at theaters. Travolta announced plans to make a sequel. He was convinced the moviegoing public wanted one. Maybe it’s hubris, maybe he’s delusional; I can’t say for sure.
Battlefield Earth is the very definition of a moron movie. It seems to be made by morons for morons (and Scientology followers). In retrospect, I’m glad I rewatched it…. sort of. It’s still ugly and unpleasant, but at least I can laugh it off as folly. It’s the only sci-fi movie that makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like a masterpiece of the genre.
