Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983) Universal/Sci-Fi-Action RT: 84 minutes Rated PG (violence) Director: Charles Band Screenplay: Alan J. Adler Music: Richard Band Cinematography: Mac Ahlberg Release date: August 19 , 1983 (US) Cast: Jeffrey Byron, Mike Preston, Tim Thomerson, Kelly Preston, Richard Moll, R. David Smith, Larry Pennell, Marty Zagon, Mickey Fox. Box Office: $5.3M (US)
Rating: ***
Of all the titles from the short-lived 3D craze of the early 80s, only a few were any good. In my never humble opinion, the good ones are Friday the 13th Part 3, The Man Who Wasn’t There (the invisible man comedy with Steve Guttenberg NOT the Coen Brothers noir) and Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. This sci-fi-western hybrid, an amalgam of The Road Warrior, High Noon and Star Wars, is incredibly cheesy and surprisingly fun.
I remember going to see Metalstorm opening day (Friday August 19) with my pal John at the good old Barclay Square Theater. At the time, I was still hurting a little over the painful experience that was Jaws 3D. As we stood in line at the box office, I hoped this 3D effort would be better. I’d have even settled for slightly better. I came close to saying a prayer to St. Jude (the Saint of Lost Causes) as I put on my cheap cardboard glasses and I’m not even Catholic. Now I wish I did say one because it would give me a reason to say my prayer was answered. It was a pretty good flick with the 3D. It’s not too bad without it either.
Metalstorm is directed by Charles Band who also did the 3D horror Parasite the year before. At the time, I had no idea I was witnessing the rise of a B-movie king. I didn’t know it yet but I was looking at the future founder of Empire Pictures and Full Moon Entertainment. For those not in the know, both studios specialized in low-budget horrors like TerrorVision and the Puppet Master series. Metalstorm is one of two movies he made for a major studio, the other being Parasite for the now-defunct Embassy Pictures.
The action takes place on a desert planet where space ranger Dogen (Byron, The Seniors) has come to track down Jared-Syn (Mike Preston, The Road Warrior), a megalomaniacal warlord leading an army of one-eyed mutants in a territorial war. It seems he has a problem with humans mining for crystals on land he claims is his. He sends his son Baal (Smith, Showdown in Little Tokyo), a half-cyborg with a robotic arm that extends and sprays a green hallucinogenic liquid, to deal with trespassers in a most definite way.
Dogen encounters a young woman named Dhyana (Kelly Preston, Secret Admirer) who just saw her father murdered by Baal. She agrees to help him find Jared-Syn. They go to a man named Zax (Zagon, Stand Alone) who explains they’ll need to retrieve a magic mask from a fabled lost city in order to defeat their powerful foe. He directs them to the mining town of Zhor to seek the help of Rhodes (Thomerson, Trancers), the movie’s answer to Han Solo (sans Wookie). He’s a bitter drunk who refuses to put his neck out for anybody or anything, you know the type. You also know that he’ll ultimately agree to help our hero. On the way to Zhor to find Rhodes, Dhyana is telekidnapped by Jared-Syn leaving Dogen with an additional reason to take him down.
Metalstorm has everything you could want from a dopey, late-summer sci-fi-actioner; laser fights, chases, flying sky bikes, mutants, cyborgs and a lone wolf hero who tools around in an armored vehicle. It also has cool 3D effects if memory serves. A lot of stuff “comes at ya”. That was the main draw of the 3D movies of that brief era. They sank or swam based on how many times objects flew off the screen into viewers’ faces. It’s the ONLY thing that made the execrable Treasure of the Four Crowns semi-watchable. It’s completely unwatchable in 2D. Most 3D movies including Metalstorm lost something in conversion to 2D. The cool factor is lessened although not significantly.
It’s probably pointless to comment on the acting. I’m not even sure all of what we see in Metalstorm counts as acting. It’s more like impersonating. Byron copies Mel Gibson’s Mad Max character while Thomerson is a poor man’s Harrison Ford. Mike Preston doesn’t make much of an impression as the villain Jared-Syn. If anybody’s memorable, it’s Baal with his cool robotic arm, perfect for a 3D movie. Kelly is still getting her feet wet in her second big acting role (the first being one of the nurse roommates in 10 to Midnight). Richard Moll (Night Court) plays Hurok, a towering warrior who becomes Dogen’s ally after a display of honor. He’s always a welcome presence in one of these flicks.
The effects in Metalstorm are actually pretty good. Granted, it’s silly to have Dogen chase Jared-Syn into a TRON-like dimension in the movie’s climax but that’s what you get in a movie that’s derivative on so many levels. I’d even say that Metalstorm borders on corny. But you know what? I still had fun with it. It’s a decent Saturday afternoon flick as long as you don’t set the bar too high.
