Scalps (1983) 21st Century Film Corporation/Horror RT: 82 minutes Rated R (graphic violence, language, nudity, attempted rape) Director: Fred Olen Ray Screenplay: Fred Olen Ray Music: Drew Neumann and Eric Rasmussen Cinematography: Larry Van Loon and Cynthia Webster Release date: December 2, 1983 (US) Cast: Jo Ann Robinson, Richard Hench, Roger Maycock, Frank McDonald, Carol Sue Flockhart, Barbara Magnusson, Kirk Alyn, Carroll Borland, Cynthia Hartline, Forrest J. Ackerman, George Randall, Jay Walker, Frank Scott. Box Office: N/A
Rating: NO STARS!!!
Don’t go messing around in old Indian burial grounds, especially ones with a curse on them (which seems to be all of them). It’s not rocket science; it’s common sense, a trait lacking among the six addle-brained archeology students in Scalps, a wretched horror movie from writer-director Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers). They’re told by their professor not to go digging around for artifacts. They’ve warned by an old (drunken) Native American to stay away from the cursed place. There’s even a law on the books prohibiting such activity. No matter, the dummies do it anyway. In doing so, they’ve put themselves in a world of you-know-what. So that’s what I kept smelling during Scalps!
We’ve reached the point in my review where I typically describe the plot. I’ve already given you a good idea of what it’s about; now let’s fill a few blanks. The six college students in question are Ben (McDonald), Ellen (Magnusson), Randy (Hench), Louise (Flockhart), Kershaw (Maycock) and DJ (Robinson). They’re going on a weekend field trip to collect rocks. When their professor is unavoidably delayed, they set off by themselves. Despite several warnings, they start digging in a place called “Black Trees”. They unearth an artifact that unleashes an evil, vengeful Indian spirit. One dumb kid gets possessed and kills the others. THE END.
The Video Den (my teenage video store hangout) had a section called “So Bad I Can’t Believe I Rented It” reserved for the worst of the worst. It offered such gems as Weekend Pass and Can She Bake a Cherry Pie at the low, LOW price of 99 cents a night. In the case of Scalps, easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, it would be an overcharge. I can’t see paying any amount of money to sit through this miserable excuse for a movie. It doesn’t just give horror a bad name, it gives cinema a bad name. It doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as cinema. That would imply it deserves to be in the company of esteemed titles like Robot Monster, The Creeping Terror and The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent. It doesn’t. Its rightful place is the trash heap. WHY OH WHY DID I WATCH IT?!
Total ineptitude is on display on every imaginable level in Scalps. It can also be seen on levels that haven’t been discovered yet. I honestly can’t believe somebody gave the green light to release it in its present form. To be fair, Ray isn’t entirely to blame for this mess. According to the filmmaker, it was the studio’s doing. They took the cut he turned in and re-cut it, throwing in all the trims and cuts in places where they made no sense. Well, that explains some of the editing but the rest of Scalps is on Ray. Take the sound. It’s badly recorded. Much of the time, the score drowns out the dialogue. Other times, it’s too muffled to make out what the actors are saying. When you can hear what’s being said, you realize that not being able to hear the dialogue is a blessing in disguise. It’s terrible which is bad enough in and of itself. Now add to that the total lack of acting ability among the cast, none of whom appear capable of acting their way out of a wet paper bag. It’d be pointless to single anyone out since they’re equally awful so why don’t we leave it at this and move on.
You may have noticed that I didn’t name the actor who plays the professor. That was by design. I want to use it to make my next point about Scalps. It’s not unusual to see some veteran actor looking to keep his or her career alive pop up in one of these slasher flicks. Prominent (and non-prominent) examples include Glenn Ford (The Big Heat) in Happy Birthday to Me, Jackie Coogan (The Kid) in The Prey, Farley Granger (Strangers on a Train) in The Prowler and Jose Ferrer (Cyrano de Bergerac) in Bloody Birthday. I guess you could also include Joan Crawford (Mildred Pierce) in Trog and Veronica Lake (The Blue Dahlia) in Flesh Feast. In Scalps, that dubious honor goes to Kirk Alyn, the first actor to play Superman. He didn’t have much of a career to begin with; about half his roles are uncredited ones. I’m guessing he’s the only vet actor Ray could afford. The only other person of note in Scalps is magazine editor/sci-fi aficionado Forrest J. Ackerman as a colleague of the professor played by Alyn. That he’s carrying a sci-fi magazine in his one scene is the closest this movie comes to being even remotely clever.
The cinematography is strictly Skid Row level. To call it amateurish would be giving Scalps too much credit because even an amateur is capable of focusing a camera. I expect that’s taught in Intro to Photography. It gets blurry more than once in Scalps which is another blessing in disguise. It doesn’t look much better in focus. It looks cheap, dirt cheap. Cruddy is another good descriptive term. The makeup effects are totally unconvincing. There are a couple of decent gory scenes but they too look fake. The score, which seems to play non-stop, is just annoying.
There’s not a single artistic or technical aspect indicating that anybody involved with Scalps has a shred of ability, talent or intelligence. I haven’t seen anything this incompetent since…. well, NEVER! I get that it’s an independent movie. Hey, I’m a strong supporter of independent filmmaking. I have a lot of respect for filmmakers who try to squeeze a dollar out of a dime in order to realize their vision. However, effort doesn’t always yield positive results no matter how noble. It takes ability and even though Ray went on to success as a cult horror filmmaker, there’s none on display in Scalps. It is absolutely unwatchable at ANY price. I demand my 82 minutes back… NOW!!!
