The Van (1977) Crown International/Comedy RT: 92 minutes Rated R (nudity, sex, language, drug use) Director: Sam Grossman Screenplay: Robert Rosenthal and Celia Susan Cotelo Music: Michael Lloyd (supervisor) Cinematographer: Irvin Goodnoff Release date: April 7, 1977 (US) Cast: Stuart Getz, Deborah White, Harry Moses, Marcie Barkin, Bill Adler, Stephen Oliver, Connie Lisa Marie, Danny DeVito, Jim Kester, Michael Gitomer. Box Office: $19M (US)
Rating: ***
I’ll give The Van credit for having more of a plot than its teensploitation predecessor The Pom Pom Girls. This one centers on Bobby (Getz, Record City), a teen who celebrates his high school graduation by buying a custom-made van, a yellow Dodge with “Straight Arrow” printed on the side. He’s wanted one since he was a young boy. Show me a young male in the 70s who didn’t want a van and I’ll show you a future evangelical minister. LOL! This van is one sweet ride! It has all the amenities- a waterbed in the back (naturally), mirrored ceiling (naturally again), 8-track player (hey, it’s the 70s!), CB radio (70s, remember?), mag wheels (in the event of a drag race), refrigerator (for all the beer) and even a toaster (uh, okay). It’s everything a 70s teenage boy looking to get laid could want and more.
Bobby is a shy boy who stands by watching while his best pal Jack (Moses, Sweater Girls) gets all the action. He believes a van will change all that. It doesn’t as we see in a montage of Bobby’s failed attempts to score with girls in the back of his van. Could it be because Bobby also happens to be a big dork with a stupid grin plastered on his face 90% of the time? Oh, did I not mention that earlier? I guess I should have. ANYWAY, he spends a lot of time fantasizing about this hot blonde chick named Sally (Hoffman, Blazing Stewardesses) who’s involved with a musclehead named Dugan (Oliver, Werewolves on Wheels), a big jerk who treats her like crap and loves to beat people up for no reason. He too drives a van. What does this tell you? RIGHT, they will race each other in their vans in the finale.
Bobby and Jack get involved with a couple of classmates, Tina (White, Fast-Walking) and Sue (Barkin, Chesty Anderson US Navy). Jack and Sue hit it off right away. Bobby and Tina do not. In fact, she can’t stand him. She was the class valedictorian and he’s the fool who pulled a prank that caused the stage to collapse at graduation. Nothing like a few broken bones to kick off adulthood, eh Bobby? Truth be told, Tina’s totally uptight. It takes some doing on Bobby’s part but she eventually starts to warm up to him. Then she gets cold again, reheats and refreezes before…. oh, never mind. The point is that they’re destined to be together in the end. Isn’t that the way it always works?
Bobby works at a car wash with a trio of idiots, led by Steve (Adler, The Pom Pom Girls), who give him a hard time. They send his car through the cycle with the top down. He retaliates by giving them beer laced with castor oil and locking the bathroom. The boss, played by a pre-Taxi Danny DeVito, runs a bookie operation out of the place. In a late plot development, Bobby uses his monthly van payment to bail him out of trouble with the Mob. Now in need of cash, he challenges Dugan to a race.
Why don’t we just assume for the purpose of this review that the acting, writing, directing and level of humor are more or less the same in all of these Crown International teensploitation comedies? It’ll save a lot of time. Besides, why speak of The Van in those terms? As a critic who happens to LOVE all kinds of movies, I like to use different voices in my reviews. My serious voice is reserved for films by Bergman, Fellini and Scorsese not silly stuff like The Van or any exploitation movie for that matter. For those, I like to assume the voice of teenage Movie Guy 24/7, a guy who lives for watching the best and worst (and everything in between) trash cinema has to offer. That’s who’s talking now and that guy thinks The Van is pretty good.
In a slight deviation from form, we don’t have to wait until the end of the movie for dorky Bobby to lose his virginity. It happens about midway through when he manages to sweet talk a big-bottomed girl into his van for some midday fun. He charms her with statements like “There ain’t a woman around who doesn’t love the sound of a zipper comin’ down!” LMBO! Only in the Crown universe would a line like this work.
Okay, here are a few more details about The Van. The guys and girls go to a van show where we get to see a lot of custom vans. This is SO 70s! Like I told you, vans were a big deal back then. The action takes place in Southern California meaning you should expect a few trips to the beach. It features a soundtrack filled with easy-going rock songs like “Chevy Van” by Sammy Johns (never mind that Bobby owns a Dodge). It’s played a few times. There’s also a great cover of “I Go to Pieces” by Cotton, Lloyd & Christian. YES, there are boobs! There’s ample nudity and sex, in fact.
HOWEVER, here’s the thing about The Van. It’s not mean-spirited or hateful towards women. Sure, Tina is a pain in the ass for most of the movie but she’s never made the victim of cruel, humiliating pranks. Yes, Dugan is a creep but he’s too much of a joke to be taken seriously. In the end, it’s silly, harmless drive-in fodder for teen couples to make out by.
