Friday the 13th (2009) New Line-Paramount/Horror RT: 106 minutes Rated R (language, graphic violence and gore, nudity, strong sexual content, drug and alcohol use) Director: Marcus Nispel Screenplay: Damian Shannon and Mark Swift Music: Steve Jablonsky Cinematography: Daniel Pearl Release date: February 13, 2009 (US) Cast: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Julianna Guill, Aaron Yoo, Arlen Escarpeta, Ryan Hansen, Willa Ford, Derek Mears, Ben Feldman, Jonathan Sadowski, Nick Mennell, America Olivo, Kyle Davis, Richard Burgi, Nana Visitor. Box Office: $64.9M (US)/$91.3M (World) Body Count: 14
Rating: * ½
When will filmmakers ever learn? Horror remakes are a bad idea, plain and simple. You wouldn’t know it by the high box office grosses taken in by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003, $80.5 million) and Halloween (2007, $58 million). Why did so many people go to see these remakes? Probably out of morbid curiosity. It’s as bad a reason as any.
That’s mainly why I went to see the tepid remake of Friday the 13th. I hoped against hope it would be good, but I knew deep down it wouldn’t be. The 1980 original is a classic and perfect as is. A remake, although inevitable, is completely unnecessary. I tried to remain optimistic about it as I took my seat in the theater that morning. I imagined myself going to see the 1980 original in its initial run. It didn’t work. The brief wave of nostalgia I experienced was quickly dashed by the movie’s extended, pre-title prologue. The first few minutes recreate the beheading of Mrs. Voorhees. It goes downhill quickly after that.
The main problem with this new Friday the 13th is that director Marcus Nispel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) isn’t content to simply remake it; he has to go ahead and reimagine it altogether. The result is a dull as dishwater slasher movie that plays a lot more like Texas Chainsaw Massacre than F13. But herein lies a paradox. Fans don’t like seeing their favorite slasher flicks reimagined, but they complain if it’s an exact duplicate of the original (e.g. the shot-for-shot Psycho remake). It’s a clear case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. Theoretically, there’s no way a remake should work. Friday the 13th proves that theory beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The only way this Friday the 13th is faithful to the original is that Mrs. Voorhees’ beheading occurs at Camp Crystal Lake on June 13, 1980. That takes up all of three minutes. Then the action jumps forward to present day with a group of young people camping out near the now-closed summer camp. They’re looking for marijuana that somebody planted in the area. Mike (Mennell) and Whitney (Righetti) decide to explore the camp while Richie (Feldman) and Amanda (Olivo) stay behind to explore each other. That leaves Wade (Sadowski) the odd man out. It also makes him victim number one. Jason (Mears) makes his first appearance with a cloth wrapped around his head. He kills off all but Whitney who he abducts because she resembles his mother. All this takes about 23 minutes and then the title appears onscreen. I couldn’t believe it was all a prologue.
The main story concerns another group of young people staying in a luxury cabin on the shore of Crystal Lake. The house belongs to Trent (Van Winkle, Accepted), a conceited jerk who resembles a blonde Tom Cruise. He and his girlfriend Jenna (Panabaker, The Crazies) have brought along their friends- Nolan (Hansen, Veronica Mars) and Chelsea (singer Ford), slutty Bree (Guill, The Apparition), stoner Chewie (Yoo, Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist) and aspiring rap artist Lawrence (Escarpeta, Final Destination 5). Meanwhile, Clay (Padalecki) has been asking around about his missing sister Whitney. Eventually, Jason shows up and starts hacking his way through the group.
Not only does this Friday the 13th attempt to redefine Jason Voorhees, it also commits the cardinal sin of boring the hell out of the audience. This movie is excruciatingly dull. Okay, maybe that’s a bit unfair. Some of the killings are nicely gory. It helps just enough to earn the movie an extra half star. The highlights are as follows: a man caught in a bear trap has his head split down the middle with a machete, a redneck has his throat cut (lots of blood spray!), a man gets shot in the head with an arrow, a woman gets a machete through the top of her head, a man gets stabbed in the throat with a screwdriver, a man gets hit in the spine with an axe thrown by Jason, a woman is impaled on a pair of antlers, a man is impaled on a tow truck hook and somebody gets stabbed in the eye with a fireplace poker. This takes up all of two minutes (if that) which leaves the rest of the movie. It’s pretty grim.
Nispel has Jason all wrong. This masked psycho would never keep a potential victim alive. He has no sense of reason; he’s just an unstoppable killing machine. He lives in an underground lair and keeps childhood mementos in an abandoned cabin. This is a scenario once expects to see in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre flick, not an F13 one. Also, Jason obtains his trademark hockey mask far sooner than in the original series. I don’t like any of this.
The victims-to-be are bland and unlikable. The Chinese guy is especially annoying. The new score by Steve Jablonsky is instantly forgettable. That’s really what it comes down to with this new Friday the 13th, it’s forgettable. I really wish somebody would revoke Nispel’s filmmaking license before he trashes another beloved classic. Actually, he already did that with the dreadful 2011 remake of Conan the Barbarian. The 1982 original is one of my all-time favorite movies, so I felt personally slighted. Well, there’s still time to put a stop to this guy’s reign of cinematic terror. He hasn’t yet announced his next remake, so there’s time to take preventative measures. Remember what they say about an ounce of prevention. Now let’s try to forget this version of Friday the 13th ever happened.
