Knock Off (1998)    TriStar/Action    RT: 91 minutes    Rated R (continuous violence, brief language)    Director: Tsui Hark    Screenplay: Steven E. de Souza    Music: Ron Mael and Russell Mael    Cinematography: Arthur Wong    Release date: September 4, 1998 (US)    Cast: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Rob Schneider, Lela Rochon, Paul Sorvino, Michael Fitzgerald Wong, Carman Lee, Wyman Wong, Glen Chin.    Box Office: $10.3M (US)

Rating: ***

 It’s almost impossible to surprise me when it comes to movies. I’ve literally seen thousands of them. There isn’t much I haven’t seen or heard before. Nevertheless, I got the surprise of my life when I rewatched the JCVD actioner Knock Off the other night. Specifically, I was surprised to see it’s not as awful as I remember it being. It’s bad alright, but not bad enough to be in my top ten worst movies where it’s been since its premiere in September ’98. I HATED it at the time. It’s an incomprehensible mess that doesn’t make a lick of sense at any point. The pairing of JCVD and Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow) is hardly what I’d call inspired. The crazy camerawork gives it a strange surreal feeling. I don’t know what Tsui Hark was thinking when he made Knock Off, but it has to be a joke, right? Surely he can’t be serious.

 I can’t describe what I don’t understand, so I’ll just tell you the plot of Knock Off involves the Russian Mafia, the CIA, the Hong Kong police, Chinese gangsters, double agents and miniature bombs hidden in knock-off products like toys and designer jeans. It takes place in ’97 at the same time the British government is about to hand HK over to the Chinese. At the middle of the muddled plot are Marcus (JCVD) and his partner Tommy (Schneider), a couple of leisure wear dealers who work too closely with shady types like Marcus’ adopted brother Eddie (Wong). Their illegal business activities catch the attention of a few people like jeans company rep Karen (Rochon, Waiting to Exhale) and CIA boss Johansson (Sorvino, Goodfellas). Of course, several characters aren’t who they say they are. Do I really need to continue?

 Simply put, Knock Off is a mess. To wit, it’s a great big unwieldy mess that defies explanation, logic, common sense, gravity, all laws of science and everything else you can imagine. It’s loud, frenetic and ultra-artsy with all of Hark’s fancy camera trickery- i.e. blurred shots, stop-motion photography, wild pans and zooms, etc. It’s completely bonkers! NONE of that has changed since ’98. What has changed is my attitude towards it. I couldn’t help but watch it with a big goofy smile this time. It’s like a live-action cartoon with all the crazy OTT action scenes starting with the illegal rickshaw race through the crowded streets of HK. Boxes of fruit get knocked over in the course of the race, so I guess that counts as the “FRUIT CART!” scene. As JCVD pulls Schneider along, they get mixed up in an attempted kidnapping by Russians and end up crashing a van through the front of a store where a female cop (Lee) arrests them for…. I’m not exactly sure what. It’s just one of many, MANY things in Knock Off that make no sense.

 I have to admit the action scenes are well done in an OTT kind of way. They’re wildly overedited to the point of making some viewers dizzy. We get the usual shots of vehicles crashing through walls, angry groups of local hoods chasing our heroes and explosions that are green for some reason. This is in addition to all the fights and chases.

 You know, I think it would save a lot of time if I simply said Knock Off is one continuous action scene. That’s how it feels to me anyway. In any event, I’d rather see that than watch JCVD and Schneider try to do the mismatched buddy routine. It doesn’t work. It’s the dumbest pairing since Steven Seagal and Keenan Ivory Wayans in The Glimmer Man. Schneider is an annoying little twerp who deserves a hard roundhouse kick to the head from his co-star. JCVD shows off some of the skill and agility that made him an action star, but still fails to cut it performance-wise. His character Marcus is a crooked businessman trying to go straight. I didn’t buy his performance, not one single bit of it. Rochon isn’t so great (or even good) as a company rep who actually represents another company. Sorvino simply looks embarrassed to be there.

 Although I don’t hate Knock Off anymore, I think it’s safe to say it’s still one of the dumbest action movies ever made. Mini-bombs hidden in counterfeit designer jeans? Oh, PUH-LEEZE! I now realize this is what makes Knock Off so much fun. Of course, you have to have your brain in the OFF position while watching it. In any event, I find I can no longer keep it on my bottom ten list. Effective immediately, it’s being transferred to my guilty pleasure list and replaced by Battlefield Earth in my bottom ten.