Borderlands (2024) Lionsgate/Sci-Fi-Action-Comedy RT: 102 minutes Rated PG-13 (intense sequences of action and violence, language, some suggestive material) Director: Eli Roth Screenplay: Eli Roth and Joe Crombie Music: Steve Jablonsky Cinematography: Rogier Stoffers Release date: August 9, 2024 (US) Cast: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Ariana Greenblatt, Edgar Ramirez, Florian Munteanu, Jamie Lee Curtis, Gina Gershon, Janina Gavankar, Haley Bennett, Olivier Richters, Bobby Lee.
Rating: *
It’s been a while since we had an unmitigated cinematic disaster on the level of Howard the Duck or The Adventures of Pluto Nash among the selections at multiplexes across the country. Thanks to Eli Roth, that’s no longer true. His latest, the sci-fi-action-comedy Borderlands, is exactly that. How bad is it? It’s sure to give Madame Web some serious competition at this year’s Razzies.
In what’s becoming a trend with me, I had no idea Borderlands was an adaptation of a video game until a couple of days ago. Apparently, the fans are none too pleased with what Roth did to their favorite game. Most of the criticism is aimed at Kevin Hart (Ride Along 1 & 2) who they feel is the wrong choice to play mercenary soldier Roland. The manager on duty at my favorite cinema told me he’s supposed to be a serious character. Wikipedia describes him as “a stoic soldier”. None of that describes the pint-sized loudmouth comedian. It’s likely the producers cast him to put butts in the seats. I didn’t know Hart was still considered hot property in Hollywood. Didn’t his last few movies go straight to Netflix?
All signs pointed to Borderlands being a disaster starting with the long period between its completion and release. It was filmed mainly in 2021 with a few reshoots (overseen by Deadpool director Tim Miller) in ’23. Roth left the project right before post to start work on Thanksgiving. He’s not the only one to jump this sinking ship. Original screenwriter Craig Mazin (The Last of Us) had his name removed after extensive rewrites by Roth and two others. First-timer Joe Crombie is now the credited writer. Somebody had to take responsibility.
Bounty hunter Lilith (Blanchett, the Lord of the Rings trilogy) is hired by powerful corporate mogul Atlas (Ramirez, The Bourne Ultimatum) to go to planet Pandora (no, not the one in Avatar) and rescue his kidnapped daughter Tina (Greenblatt, Barbie) who was taken there by her abductors, Roland and “Psycho” accomplice Krieg (Munteanu, Creed II). Lilith, originally from Pandora, hasn’t been there since she was a child. She isn’t too happy about being back home either. She’s only in it for the money.
Pandora’s main attraction is something called “The Vault”. Those who visit the hellhole planet are only there to seek it out. There’s something valuable in that vault, something so powerful everybody wants to get their hands on. That’s why Atlas wants his daughter brought back to him. She’s the only one who can open it because she’s the last surviving member of the ancient race that used to inhabit Pandora. Tina wants no part of whatever evil thing her father has planned. Lilith and her robot sidekick Claptrap (Black, School of Rock) reluctantly team up with Roland and Krieg to help Tina find the key to the Vault with Atlas’ forces in hot pursuit.
I think it’s time to draw a distinction between two different types of bad movies. First, there’s the unwatchable kind like Caligula and Speed 2. They shouldn’t be seen under any circumstances. They shouldn’t have even been made. Then there’s the second kind, the movies so unbelievably bad they’re entertaining, becoming unintentional comedies that have audiences rolling in the aisles, laughing in good-natured derision. Borderlands, easily the biggest cinematic catastrophe since Cats, falls neatly in this category. It’s a stinker alright, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a bad movie classic like Howard and Pluto. It’s such a mess; you can’t help but enjoy yourself. It’s like a twisted train wreck; you can’t avert your eyes.
I’m not a mind reader, but I could tell what Blanchett was thinking: “I’ve won two Oscars. How did I let myself get talked into this?” Jamie Lee Curtis, who won her own Oscar for Everything Everywhere All at Once, was probably thinking the same thing. She plays Dr. Tannis, an expert on all things Vault who helps the team in their mission. She also raised Lilith after her mother’s death. They both look suitably embarrassed as does Hart who looks like he’s having no fun at all. To his credit and the relief of eardrums everywhere, he doesn’t yell and scream his way through this one. Greenblatt is the only one who puts forth any effort, but what’s the deal with the bunny ears?
The CGI effects in Borderlands are just awful. I know it’s based on a video game, but does that mean it has to look like one too? Couldn’t the makers have punched things up a bit for the big screen treatment? The action scenes aren’t all that thrilling either. To the movie’s further detriment, they’re confusing and incoherent. Roth cuts them in a way that tells us he has no sense of geography or choreography. There’s not a single memorable sequence in the entire film. The writer-director has a spotty record consisting of the good (Cabin Fever, Thanksgiving), the bad (The House with a Clock in Its Walls) and the confounding (the Death Wish remake). This one could go in either of the last two.
I predict Borderlands will be the summer’s biggest flop. At a cost of $120M, there’s no way in hell it’s going to make its money back. It won’t even make a nickel. It’s only been out for a day as of this writing, but it’s already secured its place in the Golden Turkey Hall of Shame. I also predict it’s going to clean up at the Razzies. The question is will Roth show up to collect his booby prize in person?
