If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind (1975)    Topar Films/Comedy    RT: 80 minutes    Rated R (language, pervasive crude and vulgar sexual humor, full frontal nudity, strong sexual content)    Director: Keefe Brasselle and I. Robert Levy    Screenplay: Mike Callie and Robert L. Levy    Music: Bob Jung Cinematography: David Alexander and John Dirlam    Release date: February 1975 (US)    Starring: Pat McCormick, Keefe Brasselle, George Spencer, Pat Wright, Alan Sinclair, Albert Lord, Uschi Digard, Jane Kellem, Ina Gould, Mel Davis, Leon Charles, Thelma Pelish, Tali Cochrane.    Box office: N/A

Rating: ***

 The sex comedy If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind doesn’t belong in theaters; it should be shown on the walls of public restrooms at truck stops. I haven’t seen this many degenerates gathered in one place since I used to take my ex-wife to this dive bar called The Lagoon. It’s essentially a collection of dirty jokes acted out by amateur actors for the purpose of a sex awards show that honors recipients with a “Golden Dildy”. Directed by Keefe Brasselle and I. Robert Levy, it sinks as low as a movie can get. In fact, it’s an entire series of lows. It’s low-quality, low-rent, lowbrow and low-budget. It’s poorly made even by the low, low standards of dirty movies aimed at perverts with the mentality of 13YO boys. It’s a bad movie, VERY BAD. I definitely shouldn’t find it as funny as I do.

 As I already indicated, the premise that holds If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind together is the World Sex Awards recognizing the top sexual achievements of the year. Categories include Best Lay, Best Solo Performance, Most Persistent Pansy and Best Set of Jugs. In order to determine the winners, the selection committee views clips of blackout sketches dealing with such topics as homosexuality, masturbation, impotence, bestiality, adultery, profane old ladies, female anatomy and leering perverts. Some of the gags work and some don’t. The ceremony, hosted by the movie’s most recognizable star Pat McCormick (Smokey and the Bandit 1, 2 and 3), is a formal affair not unlike the Academy Awards. It ends with Brasselle (The Eddie Cantor Story) singing a big number called “Don’t F*** Around with Love”. It’s a catchy little tune that should have viewers humming along.

 In case you haven’t already figured it out, the jokes in If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind are the kind that teen boys whisper to each other in middle school bathrooms. I don’t want to give away too many of them so I’ll just describe a few of my favorites. There’s one involving a naked lady stuck on a toilet, a strategically placed cowboy hat and a puzzled fireman that had me laughing out loud. At a seminar, a flaming gay man says “Sex is just a pain in the ass.” Another guy, when asked if he talks to his wife during sex replies, “Yes, if I happen to be near a phone.” You’ll see quite a few classic dirty jokes as well. The staff of a brothel suffering hard times breaks into song (“We’ve Got to Get Back on Our Backs”). All of the humor is smutty and corny. Each punchline is followed by a brief musical cue segueing into the next gag. It’s vaudeville reinvented by Penthouse magazine.

There’s no lewd subject left untouched by If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind. It goes places decent folk dare not tread. It has an abundance of nudity. All of the women end up with their clothes off at some point. There’s nudity in scenes that don’t call for it. It’s the kind of movie 14YO boys sneak downstairs to watch in the middle of the night with the sound turned low. It earns its R rating and then some.

 There’s no point in commenting on the acting in If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind because it doesn’t even qualify as acting. Besides, it’s plainly obvious that none of the performers are Lee Strasberg graduates or practitioners of the Stanislavski method. It doesn’t really matter though because the people that show up to see If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind don’t care about such things. They’re there for the cheap thrill of seeing naked people act out tired dirty jokes.

 The sad part is that I find a lot of If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind funny. It’s foul, sleazy, cheap, crass, unsophisticated and tasteless. It is absolutely without virtue of any kind. It is morally corrupt and artistically inept. There’s a good reason film critic Gene Siskel selected it as his “Dog of the Week” on a 1980 episode of Sneak Previews. All this and still I laugh at it. Also, I LOVE the poster art. It just says it all, don’t you think?

TRIVIA TIDBIT: Although made in ’74, If You Don’t Stop It, You’ll Go Blind took its time making the rounds. It didn’t even hit Philadelphia-area movie houses until nearly a decade later (September ’83).