The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)    Atlantic/Comedy    RT: 97 minutes    Rated PG (violence, bullying, some mild language, suggestive scenes, rude and gross humor, bad behavior)    Director: Rod Amateau    Screenplay: Rod Amateau and Melinda Palmer    Music: Michael Lloyd    Cinematography: Harvey Genkins    Release date: August 21, 1987 (US)    Cast: Anthony Newly, Mackenzie Astin, Katie Barberi, Ron MacLachlan, J.P. Amateau, Marjory Graue, Phil Fondacaro, Debbie Lee Carrington, Kevin Thompson, Bobby Bell, Larry Green, Arturo Gil, Susan Rossitto.    Box Office: $1.5M (US)

Rating: NO STARS!!!

 I’ve been racking my brain trying to decide where to file The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, a truly rancid movie based on the then-popular trading cards made by Topps, the bubble gum card company that made Wacky Packages in the 70s. While it most definitely falls into the bad movie category, I’m torn between filing it under “Well, Somebody Thought It Was a Good Idea” or “WTF!!!” I’m even considering creating a whole new category for it, “THIS Is a Movie For Kids?” It’s so hard to decide. A movie as awful as The Garbage Pail Kids Movie defies classification, categorization, explanation or any kind of –tion. It resides on its own plane of existence.

 And now for a refresher course in 80s pop culture history. The Garbage Pail Kids were the subject of a series of trading cards popular with grade schoolers in the latter part of the decade. They were a take-off of the Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, one of the most in-demand toys of the time. Each sticker featured a character with a comic abnormality, gross deformity or disgusting habit. They had names like Acne Amy, Jack Splat, Jay Decay, Barfin’ Barbara and Scabby Abby. Kids thought they were hilarious; parents and teachers did not. The cards were actually banned in a lot of schools. It was only a matter of time before somebody in Hollywood decided to build a movie around this gang of little gross-outs. It was inevitable The Garbage Pail Kids Movie would turn out badly. It’s a little shocking it turned out worse than anybody could have imagined.

 Directed by Rod Amateau (Drive-In), The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is an absolutely appalling movie. It is wildly inappropriate in every sense. I can’t believe this one got past the ratings board with a PG. I can’t believe it got past studio executives. It’s my theory they didn’t even bother watching it first. If they did, I’m certain a few eyebrows would have been raised. It’s not just unfunny and gross; it’s also offensive in terms of content and intelligence. It’s an insult to children, adults and every form of life in the infinite universe, intelligent or not. It expands on its purported message that it’s okay to be different by further teaching its young viewers that it’s okay to engage in rude, criminal and antisocial behavior if you’re different. Is this the lesson we want our kids to learn? Any parent that allows their child to watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie should be reported to Family Services at once.

 The plot, if it matters, centers on a young boy named Dodger (Astin, Iron Will), a weakling frequently targeted by a gang of bullies who look to be in their early 20s. His only refuge is an antiques shop run by Captain Manzini (Newley, 1967’s Doctor Dolittle), the only major adult character in this maelstrom of bad behavior and gross humor. The only rule of the shop is to NOT open the mysterious garbage can the Captain describes as a “Pandora’s Box”. Before you can say “pestilence”, the can is opened and the Garbage Pail Kids spill out in a river of green ooze. This is what the Captain was trying to avoid. Now he’s faced with the task of finding the right magic spell to get them back into the can before they make themselves visible to “normies” (normal people) and risk being taken to the “State Home for the Ugly” where they will be executed for being too ugly.

 Who are the Garbage Pail Kids in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? Let me introduce you. They are Greaser Greg, a leather-jacketed hood who frequently threatens others with a switchblade; Valerie Vomit, a girl who pukes on command; Ali Gator, a half-human/half-alligator hybrid with a penchant for biting off people’s toes; the extremely flatulent Windy Winston; Foul Phil, a whining baby with bad breath; Messy Tessie, a snot-covered girl with a constantly running nose and Nat Nerd, a bespectacled, acne-covered boy in a superhero outfit who wets his pants a lot. What a lovely bunch of kids! Actually, they’re dwarf actors in animatronic costumes and they are creepy looking.

 Let’s get back to the plot, shall we? Dodger likes this girl named Tangerine (Barberi, The Bronx Zoo), an aspiring fashion designer and girlfriend to lead bully Juice (MacLachlan). With a name like Tangerine, you know she has to be fruit of the poisonous tree. In an attempt to impress her, Dodger has the gang make clothes for her to showcase at her fashion show. There is a HUGE problem with this aspect of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie and I’m not talking about the plain-to-see fact that Tangerine is using Dodger and plans to screw him over. I’m talking about the obvious age difference between them. Even though he says he’s 14, the boy looks to be about 12 (his voice hasn’t even changed yet). The girl is no girl; she has to be around 18 or 19. As such, the scenes where she flirts with him are skeevy.

 Since I brought it up, let’s talk more about this movie’s skeeve factor, the Captain in particular. Come on, can’t you see it? This guy is a total pedophile. Look at couple of early scenes. In the first, he has Dodger take off his clothes to be washed after the bullies drop him in a mud puddle. In the other, he lets Dodger take a bath in an old-fashioned tub in the middle of the store. He even helps the boy with his towel when he gets out. Am I the only one who felt uncomfortable during this scene? Then there’s the matter of Dodger being harassed and beaten by bullies who look like they’re in their 20s. They definitely don’t look like teens. What we have is a group of young adults assaulting a boy that hasn’t even reached puberty yet. It’s horrific and pathetic not to mention highly illegal.

 BTW, exactly where are Dodger’s parents while all this is going on? Does he even have any? He’s completely unsupervised. He runs around town at all hours. He hangs out with weird, unsavory sorts in a creepy shop run by a weird old guy. He never calls them to check in. He never even mentions them. Come to think of it, none of the other “kids” (human or otherwise) seem to have parents either. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie just keeps getting weirder and weirder and not in a good way.

  Is it even worthwhile to comment on the acting in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? OH, YES IT IS! Newley, a respected actor, singer and songwriter best known for the stage musical Stop the World – I Want to Get Off, destroys a gigantic portion of his credibility with his hammy performance. Even worse, he doesn’t look as embarrassed as he ought to be. Has he no shame? Clearly not. Astin tries his little heart out, but there’s no overcoming terrible material like this. Like his character’s tormentors in the movie, the wretched screenplay is too big an adversary to take on. Barberi simply can’t act. The makers could have saved a little money by renting a department store mannequin instead.

 Now let’s talk about the titular characters. Simply put, they’re rude, antisocial little monsters. Their medley of bodily sounds, odors and fluids is only the tip of the iceberg. They engage in non-innocent activities like stealing a Pepsi truck (can you say “shameless product plug”?), playing with pointed weapons, running amok at a fashion show and hanging out with bikers in a bar. Yet the movie wants kids to see them as role models of some sort. That’s just irresponsible on the makers’ part. Is it any wonder parents raised holy hell when it was released? Nationwide protests caused The Garbage Pail Kids Movie to be quickly pulled from theaters. Here’s what I’d like to know. How long did it take the few theaters that showed this stink bomb to get rid of the lingering stench? BTW, it never opened in Philadelphia, at least not to my knowledge.

 There is absolutely NOTHING to recommend in The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. It’s as wrong as wrong can be. Everything in it is equally terrible and repulsive. The effects are lousy, it’s not funny at any time. The theme song “You Can Be a Garbage Pail Kid” is the biggest non-hit I’ve ever heard in a movie and I’ve seen the musical version of Lost Horizon. It is the most inappropriate kid’s movie EVER! It even beats out North. It not only condones bad behavior, it encourages it. On top of that, some of it is likely to scare the hell out of small children. The prison-like State Home for the Ugly, whose captives include Gandhi (“too bald”) and Santa Claus (“too fat”), ought to give them nightmares for weeks. WHAT THE FUTZ WERE THE MAKERS THINKING WITH THIS ONE?!

 The only amusing thing connected to The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is when my then-girlfriend JC and I spotted a standee for it in the lobby of our local multiplex earlier that summer. She said, “You’re on your own with this one.” Looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why subject anybody else to this miserable, hateful, low-quality, humorless, crass, tasteless, lower-than-low, grosser-than-gross experience? It belongs in a garbage pail.