Hot to Trot (1988) Warner Bros./Comedy RT: 83 minutes Rated PG (language, bathroom humor, mild sexual content) Director: Michael Dinner Screenplay: Stephen Neigher, Hugo Gilbert and Charlie Peters Music: Danny Elfman Cinematography: Victor J. Kemper Release date: August 26, 1988 (US) Cast: Bobcat Goldthwait, Dabney Coleman, Virginia Madsen, John Candy (voice), Jim Metzler, Cindy Pickett, Tim Kazurinsky, Mary Gross, Gilbert Gottfried, Santos Morales, Barbara Whinnery, Liz Torres, Chino “Fats” Williams, Angel Salazar, Burgess Meredith (voice). Box Office: $6.4M (US)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
The talking horse comedy Hot to Trot is the cinematic equivalent of what gets shoveled out of a horse stall every day. It makes any given episode of Mr. Ed look like Shakespeare by comparison. It’s exactly the kind of movie that gets released at the end of August.
Hot to Trot may also be the first movie starring both a horse and a horse’s ass. I’m talking, of course, about Bobcat Goldthwait, the speech-impaired idiot who screams his way through three Police Academy movies. He’s tolerable in those because he’s part of an ensemble cast and not the lead actor. Whose bright idea was it to make him a leading man? Did somebody honestly think this guy could carry a whole movie on his own? Does that person still have a job in the film industry? I’d also like to know what studio executives were thinking when they agreed to release Hot to Trot in its present form. It might have been funny on paper, but it stinks to high heaven on film.
I actually went to see this one at the cinema, something that says very little for my social life at the time. I sat there dumbfounded at how bad Hot to Trot was. I wasn’t expecting something brilliant, I just wanted to laugh. I didn’t because of one thing …. IT’S NOT FUNNY! It’s not even stupid funny, it’s just plain stupid. I couldn’t believe I blew a whole afternoon and three bucks on this complete waste of time and film. This is one of those rare occasions when I considered seeking professional help for my obsession with seeing every single movie that opens in theaters.
It really doesn’t matter what Hot to Trot is about, but it’s still my duty to describe the plot, no matter how painful and pointless it seems. Fred Chaney (Goldthwait) inherits one half of a stock brokerage firm AND a talking, buck-toothed horse named Don (Candy, Stripes) from his mother. Despite the fact that he’s a blithering idiot, Fred does quite well in his new position at the firm, much to the chagrin of his greedy, no-good stepfather Walter (Coleman, Nine to Five). He receives a hot stock tip from Don (yes, the horse can do that too) and acts on it, making him a very wealthy man overnight. Fred moves into a luxury apartment while Don moves back in with his family in the country. It isn’t long before Don looks Fred up at his new place and asks to move in with him.
Meanwhile, Fred tries to hook up with his stepfather’s secretary Allison (Madsen, Electric Dreams), not knowing that Walter has asked her to find out the source of his stock information. Long story short, Fred makes a bad investment and loses everything, mainly due to Walter’s scheming. He, Allison and Don devise a plan to get revenge on him. They challenge him to a horse race that will win Fred ALL of the arrogant man’s prized equines should Don be victorious. Guess who ends up as the jockey? Among the horses is a beautiful mare named Satin Doll owned by Walter’s mistress Victoria (Pickett, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). As you probably have already guessed, Don develops quite a crush on Satin Doll. Do I really need to continue? Do you really need to know more? I didn’t think so.
The nicest thing I can say about Hot to Trot is that it’s short. It runs only 83 minutes, but it’s a painful 83 minutes during which you will feel IQ points slipping away. What’s even worse is that I willingly sat through it again this past week. When I review an older movie, I ALWAYS watch it again. I want it to be fresh in my mind; I can’t always rely on memory or Wikipedia for these things. It’s every bit as bad as I remember. It fails on every single level and wastes the time of the talented people involved. Coleman turns in what is easily the worst performance of his entire career. He plays one of the most embarrassing characters ever captured on film.
Goldthwait is one of the worst leading actors I have ever seen. He makes Ernest P. Worrell look like an intellectual. It’s a wonder that Hot to Trot didn’t completely kill his career as an actor. Bobcat can be funny, but only in small doses. He has fared better as a director with strange cult flicks like Shakes the Clown and God Bless America. As for Ms. Madsen, she’s an attractive and talented lady, but none of the latter is on display in this terrible movie. Candy has made his share of bad movies, but at least he didn’t have to show his face in Hot to Trot. I’m sure it spared him some amount of embarrassment.
The level of humor in this movie is infantile at best. It’s as appealing as a week-old pile of manure. I can’t believe it’s from the same guy, Michael Dinner, who gave us the delightful Catholic school comedy Heaven Help Us just three years earlier. The only ones who might get some measure of enjoyment from Hot to Trot are complete morons and not-too-bright kindergartners. But let me ask you, do we really want to perpetuate the cycle of stupidity that’s rendered each subsequent generation dumber than the last? Allow me to make my own modest proposal. I suggest tracking down ALL existing copies and throwing them on the compost heap because turning them into fertilizer would be the most practical and charitable thing to do. Besides, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with horse s***?
