Curse II: The Bite (1989)    Trans World Entertainment/Horror    RT: 98 minutes    Rated R (violence, language, some sexual content)    Director: Frederico Prosperi (as “Fred Goodwin”)    Screenplay: Susan Zelouf and Federico Prosperi    Music: Carlo Maria Cordio    Cinematography: Roberto D’Ettorre Piazzoli    Release date: June 27, 1989 (US, video)    Cast: Jill Schoelen, J. Eddie Peck, Jamie Farr, Savina Gersak, Marianne Muellerleile, Al Fann, Sydney Lassick, Terrence Evans, Sandra Sexton, Bruce Marchiano, Shiri Appleby, Bo Svenson, Jose Garcia, Tiny Wells, Sommer Betsworth, Suzanne Celeste, David Coe, Ana Auther, Deke Anderson, Shawn Tierney, Edward Gobel.    Box Office: N/A

Rating: ***

 As I’m sure true horror fans already know, Curse II: The Bite has absolutely NOTHING at all to do with The Curse. It’s an in-name-only sequel that went directly to home video in summer ’89. It began life as simply The Bite. After it completed filming, the distributors added Curse II to the title to capitalize on the success of the first movie.

 I vaguely recall renting Curse II: The Bite soon after it landed in video stores. I liked the first movie, but that’s not why I rented it. I already knew it wasn’t connected to the first movie. I wanted to see it because it starred Jill Schoelen, an actress I still like very much. She’s been in a few movies I like such as D.C. Cab, Hot Moves, That Was Then…. This Is Now, The Stepfather, Cutting Class, The Phantom of the Opera, Popcorn and Rich Girl. I personally find Jill beautiful, charming and talented. She’s versatile too. She acts AND sings! We get to hear a little of her smooth voice in Curse II: The Bite, a reasonably entertaining fright flick about radioactive snakes. Yes, you read that right.

 A young couple from New Jersey, Lisa (Schoelen) and Clark (Peck, Dangerously Close), are travelling cross country to California so she can pursue a singing career. Despite the urging of a redneck gas station attendant to take the highway to their destination, Clark decides to take the shorter route through the New Mexico desert. They pass through an abandoned nuclear testing site plagued by mutant poisonous snakes. Naturally, they get a flat tire and have to stop. When they reach the Texas motel where they’ll be spending the night, a snake hiding in the car bites Clark when he reaches in to unload. Luckily, a traveling salesman with a briefcase full of anti-snake venom is on hand to give him a shot. He’s played by the always-great Jamie Farr, better known as cross-dressing Corporal Klinger on MASH. How cool is that?

 Unfortunately, NOT-a-Dr. Harry gives him the wrong antidote. I don’t think there’s any antidote that can help Clark. He starts undergoing a horrifying transformation. His left arm grows a snake head! I’m not kidding, it turns into a deadly snake! It makes him crazy and homicidal. He becomes violent with Lisa which pisses her off so much, she doesn’t see something is clearly wrong with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Harry tries to catch up with the couple so he can give Clark the right antidote and hopefully avoid a costly lawsuit. Using his trusty CB radio, he enlists the help of truckers in looking for the couple’s jeep. One of the truckers, “Big Flo” (Muellerleile, the wrong Sarah Connor from The Terminator), is his girlfriend apparently. Also involved in the madness that is Curse II: The Bite is an ineffectual redneck sheriff played by Bo Svenson (Walking Tall II & III).

 There’s no point in pretending otherwise. Curse II: The Bite is freaking goofy! There’s a lot of silliness on hand. My vote for the silliest scene is the part where Clark finger screws Lisa with his snake hand while she’s driving. I guess it was good for her too seeing as how she’s less angry at him afterwards. It must be the forked tongue. Coming in a close second is a later scene where she finds her panties drenched in snake jizz. Third place goes to the scene where Lisa uses her guitar to bash the living hell out of a snake in the motel bed. I can list several more, but I won’t. I have to leave a few surprises for the first-time viewer.

 I can’t knock any movie co-starring Jamie Farr whose brilliant portrayal of an Arab sheik in the Cannonball Run movies is indelibly etched into my memory. It’s always fun when one of these dopey horror movies features a has-been actor taking any job he/she can get between gigs on Hollywood Squares or The Match Game. He’s funny in Curse II: The Bite. Speaking of which, Sydney Lassick of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest shows up briefly as a nervous motel manager. Peck is pretty good as the doomed Clark who, at one point, cuts off his own hand in a gas station bathroom only to find it makes things worse. He ends up in the home of a super-religious family who believes in the power of prayer over medicine. It doesn’t end well for the parents. BTW, their little girl is played by 10YO Shiri Appleby, the future star of Roswell and UnREAL.

 Directed by Frederico Prosperi under the American pseudonym “Fred Goodwin”, Curse II: The Bite is co-produced by Ovidio G. Assonitis, the producer of timeless classics like Tentacles, Piranha II: The Spawning and the first Curse movie. They know their audience and what they want, plenty of cool bloody special effects. We get them courtesy of premier FX guy Screaming Mad George (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 & 4). The gory highlights include a heart removal by way of the throat, a lower jaw being torn off and lots of freaky makeup effects involving snake heads. To look at Clark in his final moments, you’d think he took a ride in Dr. Seth Brundle’s teleportation device with a snake. It’s suitably icky, yucky and gross.

 I should have learned my lesson about DTV sequels after making the grievous mistake of renting the unwatchable Hardbodies 2. Mere months later, I brought home Meatballs III and (kind of) enjoyed it. Same goes for Angel III: The Final Chapter. I’m shocked at how much I liked Curse II: The Bite. Despite its misleading title, it’s a pretty good non-sequel. It doesn’t take itself seriously, but I don’t see how it could with Jamie Farr in the cast. PLUS, it stars the lovely Jill Schoelen. She makes Curse II: The Bite a trip worth taking.

 Let me close with a little advice to all travelers, vacationers and road trippers. If somebody suggests taking the highway, TAKE THE DAMN HIGHWAY!!! They obviously know what they’re talking about.