Eliminators (1986) Empire/Sci-Fi-Action RT: 96 minutes Rated PG (language, violence, mild sexual content) Director: Peter Manoogian Screenplay: Paul De Meo and Danny Bilson Music: Bob Summers Cinematography: Mac Ahlberg Release date: January 31, 1986 (US) Cast: Andrew Prine, Denise Crosby, Patrick Reynolds, Conan Lee, Roy Dotrice, Peter Schrum, Peggy Mannix, Fausto Bara, Tad Horino, Luis Lorenzo, Pepe Moreno, Charly Bravo. Box Office: $4.6M (US)
Rating: ***
No two ways about it, Eliminators is a bad movie. But boy, is it fun! Where else will you find a cyborg (a “mandroid” to be exact), a hot female scientist, a riverboat captain and a ninja teaming up to fight a time-travelling madman? This one is MST3K ready even though it came out nearly three years before the show premiered (November ’88).
Prior to my recent viewing, I hadn’t seen this clunky sci-fi-actioner since it came out on video in September ’86. It was released theatrically between Troll and TerrorVision at two-week intervals. All three movies were produced by Empire Pictures, the low-budget studio responsible for titles like Trancers, The Dungeonmaster, Re-Animator, Ghoulies, Crawlspace, From Beyond, Rawhead Rex, Dolls, The Princess Academy, Robot Jox and Assault of the Killer Bimbos. Although Eliminators is one of their lesser titles, it’s still pretty much on the same level as the other movies churned out by founder Charles Band. By that, I mean it’s cheap, chintzy, poorly acted, badly written and aimed at morons. It’s a terrible movie on all counts, but you can laugh at it which makes it easier to take in the long run.
For reasons made clear later on, the action begins with Mandroid (Reynolds) handing an ancient Roman centurion shield to his master, evil scientist Abbott Reeves (Dotrice, Amadeus), who immediately orders his assistant Takada (Horino, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III) to destroy the cyborg. Takada helps Mandroid to escape and gets killed in the process, but not before instructing him to seek out Colonel Hunter (Crosby, Pet Sematary), an uncommonly hot scientist.
Somehow, Mandroid manages to travel from Reeves’ hideout in Mexico to the US unnoticed. It must be the awesome disguise (trenchcoat and fedora). Almost immediately, she recognizes her designs for a Mars probe in Mandroid. She then makes it clear she’ll be accompanying him back to Mexico to help take down Reeves. Upon arrival, she goes to a seedy bar in search of a guide that will take them down the river to the hideout. Her interview process has to be seen to be believed. She announces that she’s looking for the toughest guy in the joint which, naturally, results in a huge free-for-all brawl. The victor is Harry Fontana (Prine, Amityville II: The Possession), riverboat captain and man of questionable character. During the course of the journey, they meet Kuji (Lee, Gymkata), the ninja son of Takada. He helps them defeat a tribe of horny cavemen before joining them in their fight against Reeves.
I didn’t mention Col. Hunter brings along a small flying robot named S.P.O.T. that she designed herself. It proves useful in pinpointing the exact location of the villain’s secret hideout. Mandroid has a mobile unit that enables him to travel through the South American jungle like a small tank. He also has various weaponized attachments. He’s a total mean machine!
The heroes’ trip isn’t exact smooth-sailing as they encounter Reeves’ shotgun-toting henchmen (the leader played by Peter Schrum of Demonic Toys) and rival riverboat captain Bayou Betty (Mannix, Lunch Wagon). Yes, she’s built like a tank and wears a plaid flannel shirt. You can infer what you want from that, but if you’re thinking stone-cold lesbian, you’re not alone.
Eliminators just gets more ridiculous as it goes along. The climax features a big fight with lasers, bullets and explosions. That’s fine. It’s how our heroes finally deal with Reeves that’s stupid. To spoil or not to spoil, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the bullets and lasers of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a team of hack screenwriters ….. oh, never mind. Getting back to my original point, I’ll put it this way. The heroes fix a computer the same way my father used to fix our old TV, with a hard smack.
Directed by Peter Manoogian (Enemy Territory), Eliminators is best served between two pieces of rye bread with ham and mustard it’s so freaking cheesy. The effects are of the dime-store variety. The acting and dialogue are horrendous. It’s a bad movie. At the same time, it’s kind of fun like a live-action version of an awful comic book for which there won’t be a second issue. If you’re a connoisseur of really bad cinema, you need to put this one at the top of your must-see list.
