The Pick-Up Artist (1987) 20th Century Fox/Comedy RT: 81 minutes Rated PG-13 (language, brief violence, suggested sexual content, alcohol abuse) Director: James Toback Screenplay: James Toback Music: Georges Delerue Cinematography: Gordon Willis Release date: September 18, 1987 (US) Cast: Molly Ringwald, Robert Downey, Dennis Hopper, Danny Aiello, Harvey Keitel, Mildred Dunnock, Bob Gunton, Victoria Jackson, Lorraine Bracco, Vanessa Williams, Robert Towne, Victor Argo, Fred Melamed, Reni Santoni, Christine Baranski, Tony Sirico, Joe Spinell, Jilly Rizzo, Tom Signorelli. Box Office: $13.2M (US)
Rating: *
At just 81 minutes, The Pick-Up Artist is barely a movie. Add a couple of previews and it’s still less than 90 minutes; it’s hardly worth the price of admission. Movies this short makes me wonder what was left on the cutting room floor. Would it make it any less convoluted? Possibly, but the question that should be asked is if the missing footage would make the movie any better. In the case of The Pick-Up Artist, I highly doubt it. I don’t there’s any amount of extra footage that could salvage this turkey of a rom-com. It would only make it longer. It’s a lost cause.
For what it’s worth, here’s a rundown of the plot (such as it is). The central character is one Jack Jericho (Downey, Less Than Zero), a New York womanizer who practices his best pick-up lines in front of his bathroom mirror. They aren’t all that good. He’s fond of saying things like “Did anyone ever tell you that you have the face of a Botticelli and the body of a Degas?” He uses this line frequently, changing the artists’ names at random to keep it fresh. He seems to do okay; he has a list with a lot of women’s phone numbers on it.
One day, he finally meets his match. He approaches Randy (Ringwald, Sixteen Candles) on the street and manages to charm her into a quickie in his car. Afterwards, she brushes him off. All she wanted was sex; she has no interest in a relationship. Women can play the game as well as men do, sometimes even better.
Randy’s indifference only makes Jack pursue her more aggressively. He’s become smitten with her. Part of the problem (other than not being interested) is that her plate is full. She’s currently trying to settle her alcoholic father’s (Hopper, Blue Velvet) gambling debts. He owes a vicious mobster (Keitel, Wise Guys) more than $25,000. Since Randy isn’t willing to pay it off with her body, she has to find a way to raise the money herself or else her dad will be dealt with gangster-style. Once Jack learns of her circumstances, he offers to help. Is he being sincere in his efforts or is he just trying to get with Randy? Arriving at the correct answer doesn’t involve rocket science.
Admittedly, The Pick-Up Artist doesn’t have much of a plot. Or it does, but does nothing with it, nothing interesting anyway. Most of it centers on Jack trying to convince Randy to give him a chance. This might have worked if Jack was somebody you could root for or even care about a little. He’s not. He’s a cad, a con man and an obnoxious pest. He’s more smarm than charm. He works in BS like some artists work in ink, oil or paint. You never know if he’s being sincere or trying to get laid. He’s not a likable character yet we’re expected to root for him to win Randy over. In the real world, a girl like Randy wouldn’t give this joker the time of day. But The Pick-Up Artist takes place in the reel world where unlikely couplings are an everyday thing.
If Downey’s character is intentionally unlikable, then I’d say he turns in a good performance. However, I doubt very much this is the case. If The Pick-Up Artist was a different kind of movie, he’d have to answer for his womanizing ways at the end. He wouldn’t have a happy ending. Of course, a movie like that would be a tough sell to audiences. Therefore, it’s a rom-com that allows its flawed protagonist a shot at redemption. That leads to the question of whether Jack even deserves it. The movie never even bothers to ask. We’re just supposed to accept it. But back to my original point, Downey is a good actor and deserves better than this. He does his best, but can’t save The Pick-Up Artist from utter failure.
Even worse, it absolutely wastes the talents of some great actors. Before I get to that, I’d like to say a brief word about Ringwald. The Pick-Up Artist is her first adult role. Up until this point, she was a teen star who shone brightly in teen movies like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink. She’s left stranded in The Pick-Up Artist with little more to do than stand there with her mouth open. It doesn’t make full use of her abilities. You see a bit of it here and there, but it’s nowhere near enough to save this dud.
Now let’s talk about the rest of the cast. The Pick-Up Artist has some pretty big names in it like Keitel, Hopper and Danny Aiello (Moonstruck). Such major talent, so egregious a waste of it. Their characters are barely developed beyond the archetypes they’ve played in other films. I’m not even sure who Aiello’s character was supposed to be. Is he a friend, father or father figure to Downey’s character? The movie never explains this. He’s important enough, however, to join Downey and Hopper on a road trip to Atlantic City to find Randy who’s trying to make the money she needs in a casino. To be fair, Victoria Jackson of SNL has a mildly amusing supporting role as Keitel’s girlfriend. That’s as close to entertaining as this movie gets.
I’m going to be blunt here. The Pick-Up Artist is a lousy movie. The most amazing thing about it is that it’s written and directed by James Toback, a filmmaker who’s done much better work. He wrote the screenplay for 1974’s The Gambler starring James Caan (a great film!). He directed Keitel in the underrated 1978 crime drama Fingers. And even though Exposed (1983) wasn’t all that good, he made excellent use of Nastassja Kinski’s sex appeal. He totally drops the ball with The Pick-Up Artist but it’s not entirely his fault. I have a feeling the studio made the cuts that renders it a royal mess. Still, he’s better than this. This movie is a stinker on virtually every level. It’s not even entertaining as an 80s artifact. This is one movie that’s best left forgotten.
