Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) Paramount/Action-Adventure-Sci-Fi RT: 122 minutes Rated PG-13 (language, adventure violence, scary images) Director: Steven Spielberg Screenplay: David Koepp Music: John Williams Cinematography: Janusz Kaminski Release date: May 22, 2008 (US) Cast: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone, John Hurt, Jim Broadbent, Igor Jijikine. Box Office: $317M (US)/$786.6M (World)
Rating: **
I experienced a brief wave of nostalgia as I took my seat at the sold out midnight showing of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I was looking forward to catching up with intrepid adventurer/archeologist Indiana Jones (Ford) after nineteen years. That should have been my first clue as to how the new movie would turn out. That feeling of nostalgia dissipated gradually during the first twenty or so minutes of Crystal Skull and had completely vanished by the time Indy found himself back in the classroom at Marshall College. So what happened? Quite a lot actually and none of it good.
I went in with the understanding that Spielberg would be paying homage to both the sci-fi thrillers and the Cold War paranoia of the 50s this time around. Makes sense, I suppose. The movie opens with Indy and his partner Mac (Winstone, Beowulf) being brought to Warehouse 51 by Soviet agents, led by Irina Spalko (Blanchett, the LOTR trilogy), an expert in paranormal phenomena. I couldn’t believe it when we saw Indy for the first time. That’s NOT Indiana Jones, it’s Grandpa Jones! He looks like he ought to be sitting in a rocking chair relating his youthful adventures to his grandchildren. Spalko wants Indy to locate something for her and her comrades in the warehouse, the same one that houses a familiar crate containing a certain Biblical artifact appropriated by the US government for further study by “top men”. Then he finds out that his partner is a dirty double-crosser and working with the Soviet baddies. Who didn’t see that coming? Already, I’m not very impressed.
Indy eventually finds what the villains are looking for, a non-human corpse clutching a crystal skull. Yes, it’s an alien! Indy makes his escape via a rocket sled that takes him to the Nevada desert where he arrives at a model town just moments before an atomic bomb test. In order to save himself, he hides inside an old refrigerator. Yeah, like that’s adequate protection from radiation poisoning! KA-BOOM! Indy survives the blast, but is arrested by FBI agents and labeled a Communist sympathizer which causes him to lose his teaching job. At this point, I no longer felt nostalgic. Instead, I felt pissed-off.
It didn’t stop there. Crystal Skull just kept getting worse. Enter Mutt Williams (LaBeouf, Transformers), the stepson of an old colleague (Hurt, The Elephant Man) of Indy who was kidnapped in Peru after finding a crystal skull. That’s after he suffered some sort of mental breakdown. The two of them head off to Peru to see what’s what and that’s when the adventure (such as it is) really begins.
Okay, let’s cut to the chase about a few things. Mutt mentions his mother a few times, but never bothers to tell Indy that he knows her. It’s his old romantic interest Marion Ravenwood (Allen looking like something from The Mummy). This also means that Mutt is Indy’s son. The Soviets are still in pursuit as well. Mac shows up claiming to be a double-double agent really working for the CIA. DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT! Yes, all this crap about crystal skulls involves an alien spaceship. Is it just me or does this NOT belong in an Indiana Jones flick?
There’s a lot wrong with Crystal Skull, but what infuriates me the most is its overreliance on CGI. The actors no longer do their own stunts (Ford is too old for that anyway) and the effects look incredibly fake. It’s the 21st century and it’s all done with computers now. That’s what finally ruined Crystal Skull for me. Not that the rest of it is much good.
It was speculated that LaBeouf was being groomed to step into the Indiana Jones role. I sincerely hope that NEVER happens. As an actor, he sucks! He hasn’t a fraction of the rugged charm and wise-ass appeal that made Ford the perfect choice for the role. As for Ford, he should have hung up his fedora after Last Crusade. I like the guy, but he needs to give it up and move onto other roles. Besides, I’m not so sure AARP would cover any injuries he might receive during filming. Allen used to be hot, but not so much anymore. She isn’t ugly, but her age definitely shows. Hurt overacts shamelessly as does Blanchett who at least affects a semi-believable Russian accent.
The action scenes are so obviously computer-generated that the excitement is sucked right out of them. The only reason that Crystal Skull rates two stars is that the plot isn’t entirely uninteresting. Spielberg tries to do something different with the franchise. The screenplay by David Koepp (Jurassic Park) isn’t exactly terrible. The problem is that Crystal Skull is very lazy and half-assed. Even Williams’ score fails to add much in the way of excitement. It’s also very predictable. I was actually bored. That’s NOT what people want to hear with regards to an Indiana Jones film. Spielberg should have quit while he was ahead. There’s no reason Crystal Skull had to be made. I’ll stick with the first three movies, thank you very much.
