Star Crystal (1986)   New World/Sci-Fi-Horror    RT: 91 minutes    Rated R (language, violence)    Director: Lance Lindsay    Screenplay: Lance Lindsay and Eric Woster    Music: Doug Katsaros    Cinematography: Robert Caramico    Release date: April 1986 (US)    Cast: C. Juston Campbell, Faye Bolt, John Smith, Taylor Kingsley, Marcia Linn.    Box Office: N/A

Rating: *

 Would it surprise you to learn that Star Crystal is yet another cheap Alien knock-off? It is and it isn’t. It starts off that way with a malicious alien creature killing off the crew of a spacecraft. Then it takes a very odd unexpected turn. It’s the only thing that distinguishes this crappy movie from the likes of Xtro, Creature, Horror Planet and Alien Contamination. And yes, Star Crystal is a bad movie. It’s so bad, it achieves a kind of greatness. While it rates only a single star, it’s better than most movies with one-star ratings.

 I’m very late to the party just now watching Star Crystal. I should have been all over it like 30 years ago. It’s a New World movie; I always made it a point to see those. It didn’t open in any Philadelphia-area theaters. My local video store got it, but I never bothered renting it. I didn’t even watch it on cable. I acquired a copy a few weeks ago and decided it was time to add it to my list of movies seen. It was almost exactly what I expected with its cheap special effects, bad acting, horrendous dialogue and derivative storyline. Then came the unexpected, a plot twist completely out of left field. I’ll only say this, it’s first time I’ve ever seen one these human vs. alien situations resolved without a big climactic fight to the finish.

 Set in the year 2032, a couple of astronaut-explorers playing football on Mars (yes, you read that right) find a strange rock and bring it back to their ship. It breaks open, smoke and light pour out, slime drips on the floor. Inside are a crystal and a slimy little alien creature. The crystal causes the ship’s air supply to be shut off killing everybody on board. Two months later, another crew boards the ship to investigate: computer technician Roger (Campbell), black sidekick Cal (Smith), ball-busting medical officer Adrian (Bolt), hot blonde cook Sherrie (Kingsley) and hard ass engineer Billi (Linn). After their space station explodes, the five of them have to work together to make it to another station for supplies for the trip back to Earth. The alien, which has grown into a gelatinous blob with tentacles starts killing them off until it’s down to two. Then…. we talked about that already.

 WOW! Is Star Crystal ever bad! A quick check on IMDb reveals that none of the actors went on to bigger and better things. It’s the sole credit for Bolt and Kingsley. Campbell and Linn acted in one other movie, something called Real Bullets (first I’ve ever heard of it). John Smith (if that’s even his real name) did a couple of guest spots on TV shows. They’re all terrible. They can’t deliver dialogue to save their lives. Not that the dialogue is worth delivering in the first place. I lost count of how many times somebody began a sentence with “The way I see it….” The director Lance Lindsay made one other movie, the aforementioned Real Bullets. He has no concept of pacing or generating suspense. For an alleged horror movie, Star Crystal is short on thrills and scares. What little gore there is isn’t even that impressive. Even the poster is a bust. Not once do we ever see an alien creature like the one shown on the poster nor do we see the characters floating around in glass space coffins a la Lifeforce.

 Star Crystal is inept in pretty much every way possible yet there’s something about it that I like. Yes, I like that it’s from New World. I was always fascinated with their body of work. They embrace badness and ineptitude. It’s what makes some of their movies so fun. Look at The Annihilators, C.H.U.D. and Certain Fury. I actually found myself laughing at Star Crystal. I’m sure that’s not the response the makers had in mind but it’s better than nothing, right? I can see why this particular movie is forgotten, but it won’t be by me. I have a strange memory. I remember obscure movies like Torment, a horror movie released by New World in spring 1986. It came and went in a week. Nobody but me seems to remember it. It’s not that bad a flick. I will also always remember Star Crystal. It’s a cheap, cheesy, crappy B-movie that makes other Alien knock-offs look better by comparison.