Hexed (1993) Columbia/Comedy RT: 93 minutes Rated R (sexuality, nudity, language, violence) Director: Alan Spencer Screenplay: Alan Spencer Music: Lance Rubin Cinematography: James Chressanthis Release date: January 22, 1993 (US) Cast: Arye Gross, Claudia Christian, Adrienne Shelley, Ray Baker, R. Lee Ermey, Norman Fell, Michael E. Knight, Robin Curtis, Brandis Kemp, Pamela Roylance, Billy Jones, John S. Davies, Fred Mata. Box Office: $2.7M (US)
Rating: ***
You have to be in the right frame of mind in order to enjoy the comedy Hexed. The only way to get there is to shut down your brain completely. It’s as stupid and mindless as they come. If you can accept that, you might just find it funny.
Written and directed by one-movie-wonder Alan Spencer, Hexed centers on socially awkward hotel clerk Matthew Welsh (Gross, House II: The Second Story), a pathological liar always trying to make himself look like a big deal. In the opening scene, he crashes a fancy New Year’s Eve party where he convinces a lonely socialite he’s a wealthy English horse breeder. That is, until reality intrudes and forces him back behind the front desk beside Gloria (Shelley, The Unbelievable Truth), a co-worker with a no-so-secret crush. He’s despised by his supervisor Simon (Knight, Date with an Angel), a mean, arrogant, testosterone-fuelled idiot who keeps trying to get him fired. Thankfully, the hotel manager (Fell, Three’s Company) likes him a little better than he likes Simon. Who wouldn’t?
Matthew’s real troubles begin with the impending arrival of world-famous supermodel Hexina (Christian, The Hidden). Right away, he makes up a story about dating her in the past. Naturally, nobody believes him. Determined to make his story stick, he assumes the identity of the mystery man she came to meet. He picks her up in a “borrowed” luxury car and takes her back to his place where they engage in a night of wild sex. It isn’t until the next morning that Matthew realizes Hexina is a complete psycho. That would be my assessment of any woman that comes at me with a butcher knife.
Matthew quickly realizes he’s in over his head with Hexina. It turns out the guy she was supposed to meet is blackmailing her with incriminating photos of her former self. If they ever got out, they’d spoil the image she worked hard to create. When she finally meets up with him, negotiations are brief. She shoots him in the head the minute he opens his door. It gets worse from there. If you guessed Hexina frames Matthew for it, you are 100% correct. Now a murder suspect, he tries to prove his innocence against a better liar than himself. Thankfully (or not), the detective on the case (Ermey, Full Metal Jacket) is the most thick-headed cop on the force.
I can’t defend Hexed as a paragon of quality cinema. It most definitely is not. In fact, it’s almost the complete opposite. While competently made, its IQ lies somewhere in the lower double-digits. Its humor runs the gamut from dumb to tasteless. It’s consistent in aiming low and hitting the mark each time. The scene that best exemplifies this is the one where police beat a suspect while a bystander films it on a camcorder. Can you say “Rodney King”?
Gross does a good job as the Walter Mitty-esque nebbish compensating for his humdrum existence with tales of grandeur. He craves excitement and adventure in his life. What is it Oscar Wilde said about being careful what you wish for? Matthew has to be one of the most clueless people on the planet. Here’s a tip. If your date has you pull over so she can punch out a mime, she might have issues. Most guys would have bailed right after that episode. Here’s another. If a girl asks you to help hide a body, she’s probably not Miss Right (unless you’re Ted Bundy). Christian plays it to the nines as Hexina, a beautiful woman with a crazy streak ten miles wide. It’s easy to see why guys are attracted to her. She’s sexy as hell. She reminds me of Kathleen Turner in her prime. She’s hilarious when she turns psycho. Whether she’s wielding a big butcher knife, clobbering somebody with a statue or fighting with somebody on a hotel rooftop, it’s so OTT you have to laugh. It’s always nice to see Fell whose grumpy old fart act never gets old. Shelley (tragically murdered in 2006) is sweet as the co-worker who believes in Matthew’s innocence. Knight overacts without shame as Matthew’s chief nemesis. He’s the textbook definition of macho a-hole.
Hexed is the kind of movie made to play in empty theaters in January. As I recall, there weren’t a lot of people in attendance when I took my then-girlfriend to a midnight showing at the local multiplex. As such, it’s not that big a deal that I was the only one laughing. But laugh I did and loudly. Was I ashamed later? Surprisingly, no. I’m still not embarrassed to admit I like this moronic movie. I still get a good laugh out of the running joke involving a rude guest (Baker, Total Recall) who gets caught up in the action. There’s not a single frame of Hexed that can be taken seriously. It’s funny, but depraved. Your liking it depends on how warped your sense of humor is. Me, I’m a loon. Of course, I like it.
