Barb Wire (1996) Gramercy/Sci-Fi-Action RT: 100 minutes Rated R (violence, nudity/sexuality) Director: David Hogan Screenplay: Chuck Pfarrer and Ilene Chaiken Music: Michel Colombier Cinematographer: Rick Bota Release date: May 3, 1996 (US) Cast: Pamela Anderson Lee, Temuera Morrison, Victoria Rowell, Jack Noseworthy, Xander Berkeley, Udo Kier, Steve Railsback, Andre Rosey Brown, Nicholas Worth, Clint Howard, Jennifer Banko. Box Office: $3.8M (US)
Rating: ** ½
The makers of Barb Wire missed a golden opportunity by not having star Pamela Anderson Lee say, “I stick my tits out for nobody.” Since it already rips off Casablanca in almost every way, why not reference one of Humphrey Bogart’s most famous lines as well? I mean if you’re going to copy one of finest films ever made, you may as well go all the way.
I’ll say right up front that Barb Wire is a bad movie. It’s bad for a lot of reasons, but the main one is exactly what you think it is. It’s Pamela. She’s a terrible actress with only two things going for her; the one on the left and the one on the right. Granted, they’re pretty big things, but a legit actress they do not make. As the title character, Pamela delivers a performance as plastic as her boobs. She reminds me of a life-size, anatomically correct Barbie Doll albeit one dressed like a dominatrix. I’m NOT a fan. I’ve never seen a single episode of Baywatch. I never even had the slightest desire to tune in. I’m risking forfeiture of my guy card admitting this, but you all deserve to know where I stand on the Pamela issue.
Barb Wire takes place in 2017 (hey, just like Cherry 2000!) during the Second American Civil War. Former soldier Barb Wire owns a nightclub in Steel Harbor, the last free city in the US. The rest of the country is under the control of a totalitarian outfit called “The Congressional Directorate”. Barb makes it a point to remain neutral in all matters political. She refuses to take sides, choosing instead to focus on running her club. To earn additional money, she has a side gig as a bounty hunter. It gets expensive bribing the local police chief (Berkeley, Terminator 2: Judgment Day) and still making payroll each week.
If you don’t have Casablanca as a point of reference, Barb Wire will be convoluted. I’ll do my best to explain. Of all the heavy metal nightclubs in all the towns in all the world, Barb’s ex-lover Axel (Morrison, Once Were Warriors) walks into hers. She’s never forgiven him for leaving her during the war, but it couldn’t be helped. Now he needs her help getting his wife Cora (Rowell, Dumb and Dumber) on a plane to Canada. She’s a former government scientist on the run after helping to create a bioweapon that “wiped out Topeka”. The plan is to get to Canada and go public with the information. To do that, she will need a special pair of contact lenses to get past the retinal scanners at the airport. Like Rick before her, Barb doesn’t want to get involved. We all know how this story ends, right?
The similarities to Casablanca are unmistakable especially the little Peter Lorre type (Howard, Ticks) and the big fat Sydney Greenstreet sleazebag (Brown, Throw Momma from the Train). There’s a resistance group trying to help Axel and Cora. The corrupt police chief who secretly respects Barb is a given. Then there’s the scene where the Directorate stormtroopers led by Colonel Pryzer (Railsback, The Stunt Man) bust up Barb’s joint looking for the lenses. The only thing missing from Barb Wire is a black piano player. He’s replaced by a big black dog who knows a really neat trick. On command, she grabs troublemakers by the crotch and leads them out the door. Aw, such a smart dog.
I feel like I waste a lot of time finding something to say about the performances, writing, directing and other artistic elements in any given movie. Who am I trying to impress by adhering to form? Why don’t I just say what I think of a movie without overthinking it? Barb Wire is bad yet strangely entertaining especially as it progresses. It has some decent action sequences especially the climactic ride to the airport with Pryzer and his goons right on the heroes’ tail. It has shooting, Barb riding a motorcycle and a cool fight on a forklift suspended by a crane. You can’t ask for more than that from a chase scene. I can describe the entirety of the acting, with the exception of Pamela’s “performance”, in a single word- campy. I get the impression the cast and crew knew they were making junk and just went with it. They give it their all; I can’t fault them for that.
I’ll also give David Hogan, a veteran music video director making his first of two feature films (the other is the Keenan Ivory Wayans actioner Most Wanted), props for knowing how to immediately grab the attention of the horny guys in the audience. The opening credits play over a sequence of Pamela stripping on stage while water splashes all over her. The unrated version features many shots of her boobs. Later on, she takes a bubble bath. This scene proves beyond a shadow of a doubt her boobs are fake. They float! Hogan creates genuine atmosphere in and around the club with fights outside and metal blaring inside. If nothing else, Barb Wire has style. Actually, there is nothing else; it’s as empty as movies come. Empty-headed, that is.
I was all set to write a negative review of Barb Wire. I hated it when I saw it at the movies way back in ’96. Now I find it laughable. I’ll also concede it has some nice touches like Big Fatso (yes, that’s the character’s name!) using the shovel of a Caterpillar tractor as a throne. So it all comes down to me being of two minds about Barb Wire. It’s crap, no doubt about it. It’s loud and moronic. At the same time, it has a high energy level and a sense of demented fun. It’s an entertainingly bad movie that could only have been made in the 90s.
