Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen (1981) American Cinema/Comedy-Thriller RT: 97 minutes Rated PG (language, violence) Director: Clive Donner Screenplay: Stan Burns and David Axelrod Music: Patrick Williams Cinematography: Paul Lohmann Release date: February 13, 1981 (US) Cast: Peter Ustinov, Lee Grant, Brian Keith, Roddy McDowall, Rachel Roberts, Michelle Pfeiffer, Richard Hatch, Angie Dickinson, Paul Ryan, Johnny Sekka. Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
When one’s initial reaction to a comedy is one of horror, you know somebody somewhere messed up royally. In the case of Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen, it’s everybody everywhere. It is indeed a royal mess. I’ve never seen a single Charlie Chan movie in my life and even I know the makers of this painfully unfunny comedy-mystery got it wrong.
Perhaps the only thing they got right was casting a non-Asian in the title role. In the past, the Chinese sleuth was portrayed by Warner Oland, Sidney Toler and Roland Winters, white actors made up to look Oriental. The tradition continues with the casting of Belgian actor Peter Ustinov (Death on the Nile) as Chan. They make things worse by casting Angie Dickinson (Police Woman) as the titular villainess, another role that should have been played by an Asian. I don’t know whether to be horrified or offended by this. Wait a minute, who says I can’t be both?
The so-called plot has Chan coming out of retirement to solve a series of bizarre murders in San Francisco that have the police stumped. With “Number One Son” long dead, his new sidekick is “Number One Grandson” Lee Chan Jr. (Hatch, Battlestar Galactica), a clumsy detective wannabe raised by his wealthy maternal grandmother Mrs. Lupowitz (Grant, Damien: Omen II) after his parents died. The killings seem to be connected to a case that Chan solved 20 years earlier; specifically, the murder of Mrs. Lupowitz’s husband committed by the Dragon Queen. She went to prison, but now she’s back looking for revenge. At least that’s what it looks like.
Potential victims and/or suspects also include paranoid housekeeper Mrs. Dangers (Roberts, Foul Play), wheelchair bound butler Gillespie (McDowall, Scavenger Hunt), African chauffeur Stefan (Sekka, Hanky Panky) and Lee Jr.’s ditzy fiancee Cordelia (Pfeiffer, The Hollywood Knights). Representing the SFPD is Chief Baxter (Keith, Hooper), a blustery sort who peppers every sentence with GD or JC.
As I watched Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen, I kept thinking about other murder mystery spoofs I’ve seen over the years like Murder by Death. That one is funny because it understands its source material and the genre in general. An intelligent screenplay by Neil Simon certainly doesn’t hurt either. Intelligence is a concept that seems to be lost on writers Stan Burns and David Axelrod and director Clive Donner (What’s New Pussycat). Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen is easily one of the most idiotic movies I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen some doozies. Its plot is only a plot in the academic sense. It’s a story that holds the clunky set-pieces together. Why have Chan find clues when you can have Chan Jr. knock stuff over? It happens repeatedly. Too much of the movie consists of scenes of the characters running around like lunatics. It’s NOT a movie, it’s a Chinese fire drill. NONE of it is funny. The only time I even smiled is when Chan finds himself in a theater showing an old Charlie Chan movie. That one scene is VERY mildly amusing.
What’s truly sad about Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen is how it wastes the talents of respected actors like…. well, all of them. Their performances are truly and totally embarrassing (especially Keith and McDowall). Ustinov turns in a career worst as Charlie Chan. The makers had no business casting him in the role in the first place, but that’s another matter. The way he’s made up to look Chinese makes Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen feel like an Asian minstrel show. The same goes for his attempt at a Chinese accent. Everything he says sounds like it comes from a fortune cookie. Dickinson fares no better as the Dragon Queen, a disappointingly dull villain. She doesn’t even try to be campy. What, is she too dignified for that? Looking at Pfeiffer’s performance here, it’s hard to believe she went on to be a big star. She must have taken acting lessons between this and Grease 2.
Donner, who did a similar injustice to Get Smart the year before with The Nude Bomb, directs Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen in a flat-footed style with heavy-handed slapstick and clumsy physical comedy. He’s less concerned with giving audiences a coherent mystery than making fun of material he clearly isn’t too familiar with. I’m actually shocked at how inept and unfunny it is. If Confucius was a film critic, he’d probably say something like, “Bad movie is like bitter rice. Avoid it.” What a wise man.
