Cool as Ice (1991) Universal/Musical-Action RT: 91 minutes Rated PG (language, violence, alcohol consumption) Director: David Kellogg Screenplay: David Stenn Music: Stanley Clarke Cinematography: Janusz Kaminski Release date: October 18, 1991 (US) Cast: Vanilla Ice, Kristen Minter, Michael Gross, Candy Clark, Deezer D, Kevin Hicks, Allison Dean, Sydney Lassick, Dody Goodman, John Haymes Newton, Victor DiMattia, Jack McGee, S.A. Griffin, Portia Dawson, Amy Tenowich, Kathy Morris, Bobbie Brown, Naomi Campbell. Box Office: $1.2M (US)
Rating: *
If you ever wondered what an acid flashback to pre-Internet 1991 would look like, look no further than Cool as Ice, the one and only movie starring rapper Vanilla Ice. You may remember him. He was famous for about 15 minutes for his inexplicable hit song “Ice Ice Baby”. Somebody thought starring him in his own movie would be a good idea. The problem is it missed its 15-minute window of opportunity by a country mile. By the time Cool as Ice landed in theaters in October ’91, V-Ice’s popularity had already waned. It was gone in a week and made a quick trip to video (December ’91).
Cool as Ice opens with V-Ice performing the title song with Naomi Campbell in an overedited, overproduced number designed to cause epileptic seizures. When it’s over, his character Johnny and his crew hop on their Day-Glo colored motorcycles and hit the open road in search of their next gig. They end up in a small Midwest town where people on the street stop and stare open-mouthed at the freak brigade riding into town. Let me tell you about this town. Its appearance and mentality suggest it’s stuck in the 50s. Cub Scouts walk around carrying the American flag. People take care of their lawns. The young people act like they’ve never heard rap before when V-Ice performs “People’s Choice” at the local teen hangout. I half-expected Wally Cleaver to walk in with Bud Anderson at any minute.
One of Johnny’s friends needs his bike fixed so they’re stuck in this town for at least a few days. It may actually be longer since the elderly couple that runs a repair business from their home, Roscoe (Lassick, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) and Mae (Goodman, Grease), doesn’t know the first thing about motorcycles. Quick word about their home; it looks like it was designed by Pee-wee Herman. The unscheduled stopover gives Johnny a chance to pursue Kathy (Minter, Home Alone), the honor student he first spots riding a horse (in slo-mo, naturally) just outside of town. His attempt to impress her by jumping over a fence right in front of her results in her being thrown from her horse. Is it kismet or contrivance that the old couple lives right across the street from Kat (as Johnny renames her) and her family? Either way, it shouldn’t be too hard for Johnny to win her over considering her steady boyfriend Nick (Newton, Superboy) is an arrogant jerk who acts like she’s his property.
So far, Cool as Ice sounds fairly standard with its good girl falls for bad boy romance and all the problems that usually come with it. Her parents, Gordon (Gross, Family Ties) and Grace (Clark, American Graffiti), disapprove. Her friends want her to get back with Nick. Nick wants to beat Johnny up. Johnny broods a lot. Sadly, director David Kellogg doesn’t know when to stop. Get a load of this. It turns out that Kat’s parents are in the Witness Protection Program. It seems Gordon, a former NYPD cop, testified against some corrupt colleagues including his own partner. After 20 years, they find Gordon in a way that can only be devised by screenwriters who don’t know the first thing about the WPP. A local TV reporter interviews Kat and her father about her academic achievements. The partner (McGee, Basic Instinct) just happens to be watching when it airs. HOLD THE PHONE! Why would Gordon even allow himself to be shown on TV? Isn’t he supposed to keep a low profile? You’d think his handler would have a few things to say about such a colossal blunder on his part. Is there even a handler? In any event, the partner shows up at Gordon’s front door demanding $500,000 in 24 hours or else. Of course, Dad thinks Johnny is part of it and forbids Kat from seeing him.
Cool as Ice is a movie of extreme stupidity. It’s as idiotic as they come. It was supposed to do for V-Ice what Purple Rain did for Prince. Kellogg goes so far as to copy the scene where Prince takes Apollonia for a ride on his motorcycle. The difference is Prince is talented; his music is great. V-Ice is a fool; his “music” sucks. On top of that, he’s even worse as an actor. He’s incapable of acting his way out of a wet paper bag. He makes Rick Springfield look like Olivier. Minter is a cutie which is all she has going for her here. The remaining performances range from bad to embarrassing. If you ever had the slightest desire to see Goodman and Lassick hip-hop dance, this is your chance to satisfy it.
The fashions in Cool as Ice are hideous. When you see Johnny’s wardrobe, you understand why circuses are shutting down. Why pay to see a clown when you can see one for free? His attempt at tough talk only makes it funnier. The dialogue in this travesty of a movie is terrible. V-Ice shares his personal philosophies with statements like these:
“If you ain’t true to yourself then you ain’t true to nobody.”
“Live your life for someone else, you ain’t living.”
“It’s not where you’re from; it’s where you’re at.”
He gets to say things like “check it!”, “straight up, fact!”, “slammin’” and (my favorite) “Drop that zero and get with the hero!”
The whole sorry affair ends with Kat’s little brother (DiMattia, The Sandlot) being kidnapped by the partner and his addle-brained accomplice (Griffin, Pale Rider). Naturally, Johnny and his homeboys (and homegirl) ride to the rescue. This is followed by another flashy musical number (“Get Wit’ It”) designed to bring on a second seizure.
The only cool thing about Cool as Ice is the reception it got from the public. It made a little over $1 million. My friend GY and I saw it opening night in an empty theater. An empty theater on a Friday night is a bad omen. Everything about it is utterly awful and moronic; it couldn’t be worse if it tried. I have to wonder if it’s some kind of practical joke. There’s not a single frame of it that anybody in their right mind would take seriously. Its sole entertainment value is the unintentional comedy contained therein. It’s laughable at every turn and dance step. Looking at the finished product, one can deduce that the makers have a strange sense of humor.
