Old Dogs (2009) Disney/Comedy RT: 88 minutes Rated PG (some rude humor, slapstick violence, drug humor) Director: Walt Becker Screenplay: David Diamond and David Weissman Music: John Debney Cinematography: Jeffrey L. Kimball Release date: November 25, 2009 (US) Starring: Robin Williams, John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Conner Rayburn, Ella Bleu Travolta, Seth Green, Lori Loughlin, Matt Dillon, Rita Wilson, Ann-Margret, Bernie Mac, Amy Sedaris, Sab Shimono, Dax Shepard, Luis Guzman, Justin Long. Box Office: $49.4M (US)/$96.8M (World)
Rating: ½ *
The first sign of a bad movie is a delayed release date. Disney’s flea-bitten mongrel of a comedy Old Dogs sat on the shelf for about a year before finally seeing the inside of a movie theater. As I watched it, I noticed something was off. It seemed like somebody went at it in the cutting room before the studio unleashed it on the public at large. That’s exactly what happened. It was originally supposed to be an adult-oriented R-rated comedy released by Touchstone. When it tested poorly with preview audiences, Disney cut all the adult material to attain a PG rating and marketed it as a family-friendly comedy. I doubt Old Dogs would have been any better in its original form. I can say with absolute certainty what remains is terrible.
Robin Williams (Good Morning Vietnam) and John Travolta (Face/Off) star as best friends and business partners Dan and Charlie who run a successful sports marketing firm. Dan still isn’t over his failed marriage even though he’s been divorced for seven years. Actually, he’s been divorced twice. Right after the first one went through, he impulsively married Vicki (Travolta’s wife Preston), a one-night stand he met on an impromptu trip to South Beach. The marriage was annulled less than a day later, but he can’t get this woman out of his mind.
One day, Vicki reaches out to Dan. She wants to meet him for lunch. He assumes she wants to try a relationship again. What she actually wants is to deliver shocking news. Their brief encounter resulted in twins, Zach (Rayburn, According to Jim) and Emily (Travolta and Preston’s daughter Ella Bleu). Also, she needs somebody to watch them for two weeks while she does a little jail time on a minor charge. He agrees to do it even though he’s not good with kids. He begs Charlie, a confirmed bachelor with a preference for younger women, for his help. Neither one of them know what they’re doing, of course. Their situation is complicated by their work. They’re trying to close a big deal worth millions of dollars with a Japanese company. The last thing either of them needs is a couple of kids who need their attention. It’s like a bad sitcom that gets cancelled after two episodes.
What’s wrong with Old Dogs? Pretty much everything, that’s what. For starters, it’s NOT funny. The gags range from painful to excruciatingly painful. It has jokes about farting, incontinence, hits to the groin and medication side effects. There’s an unfunny running gag about everybody assuming Dan and Charlie are the kids’ grandfathers. They’re also mistaken for a same-sex couple on a few occasions. The worst bit is an uncomfortable scene of Dan trying to help his son in the men’s room. I kept waiting for somebody to come in, misinterpret the situation and call the police. Old Dogs gets worse in its attempts at being sweet and heartwarming. It comes off as smarmy and unbelievable instead. The idea of a parental figure having to choose between family and career is as stale as two-day-old bread. Director Walt Becker (Wild Hogs) throws it into the mix to zero effect.
Now let’s look at the cast. Old Dogs has an impressive-looking roster with names like Matt Dillon (There’s Something About Mary), Rita Wilson (Mixed Nuts), Ann-Margret (Grumpy Old Men), Amy Sedaris (Strangers with Candy) and the late Bernie Mac (The Bernie Mac Show) in his final role. Becker doesn’t give them a lot to do. They get a scene or two apiece before disappearing. Dillon is especially wasted as a testosterone-fuelled scout leader who would have been an ideal nemesis for the two clueless dads. Instead, we get a brief sequence of him bullying the guys and them doing something horrible to him by accident. Then it’s onto the next unfunny bit.
The romantic subplot involving Charlie and translator Amanda (Loughlin, Full House) isn’t developed beyond an embarrassing scene involving a grief support group and a rhubarb pie (don’t ask). Seth Green of the Austin Powers movies gets the worst of it. His character, junior associate Craig, is a shrill, annoying, creepy little twerp. The editors should have cut him from the movie entirely. The runner-up dishonor goes to Wilson playing Vicki’s weird, unpleasant best friend. I didn’t get her character at all.
The two leads don’t fare much better. Williams’ character is wildly inconsistent. He fluctuates between selfish, loving and idiotic, often in the same scene. As such, it’s impossible to get an accurate read on his character. Travolta is simply awful. His performance in Old Dogs is one of the most embarrassing of his career. It runs a close second to Battlefield Earth. Even worse, he drags his family into it. It makes you wonder if Tarantino did a good thing in giving him a comeback. As for the two kids, they’re okay without being particularly memorable. They don’t overdo it too much with the cuteness, but neither one of them emerge as distinct types either. The late Preston is the sole bright spot of Old Dogs even if her character is a ditz.
I’d like to mention another failed gag in Old Dogs. It involves Dan and Charlie taking the wrong medications and experiencing crazy side effects like lack of depth perception and facial paralysis. The scenes take on a creepy vibe especially the Joker-like smile on Charlie’s face, the product of some very bad CGI. This joke is repeated at the very end when several people take the wrong pill.
I honestly can’t believe Old Dogs got released at all. Did anybody at Disney actually watch it? If so, did any of them actually find it funny? I’ve long contended that the most unwatchable type of movie is an unfunny comedy. Old Dogs gives me cause for reconsideration. An unfunny comedy begging viewers to laugh is much worse. This one reeks of desperation; you can practically see the sweat dripping down the screen. It stinks worse than a roomful full of wet old dogs. What’s even more unbelievable is that this steaming pile of dog doo-doo actually made money. I can’t imagine who would want to watch it. There are oodles of better comedies to watch with the family, ones that don’t insult the intelligence of those over the age of five. This is one old dog that should have been put down.
