Santa Claus (1959) K. Gordon Murray Productions/Sci-Fi-Fantasy RT: 94 minutes Rated G (mildly scary scenes) Director: Rene Cardona (Mexican version)/Ken Smith (English dubbed) Screenplay: Adolfo Torres Portillo and Rene Cardona Music: Antonio Diaz Conde Cinematography: Raul Martinez Solares Release date: November 26, 1959 (Mexico)/October 1960 (US) Cast: Jose Elias Moreno, Jose Luis Aguirre, Cesareo Quezadas, Armando Arriola, Lupita Quezadas, Antonio Diaz Conde, Nora Veryan, Jose Carlos Mendez, Jesus Brook, Ruben Ramirez, Queta Lavat, Polo Ortin, Angel Di Stefani, Ken Smith (narrator). Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
The 1959 sci-fi-fantasy Santa Claus is what happens when the inmates take over the asylum. Only a certifiable lunatic could come up with a story this insane. Also known as Santa Claus vs. the Devil, it’s a badly dubbed Mexican film that pits Father Christmas against a demon from Hell out to turn the children of the world against Father Christmas. Take special note of the words “Devil”, “demon” and “Hell”. Their inclusion in the plot description wouldn’t be such a big deal if we were talking about a horror movie, but we’re not. Santa Claus is supposedly a movie for children. Yes, FOR CHILDREN! I don’t know what the makers were on when they made this, but it was definitely stronger than spiked eggnog. It’s not going to leave the little ones with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads; it’ll give them nightmares well into the New Year. You’d have to have coal for brains to let your kids watch it.
Directed by Rene Cardona (The Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy), Santa Claus was edited (slightly) and dubbed into English by Ken Smith, an American producer often cited as “The King of the Kiddie Matinee” with kid-friendly titles like Tom Thumb and Little Red Riding Hood and Puss in Boots to his discredit. On the other side of the border, he marketed several luchador movies featuring Mexican wrestlers like Santo vs. The Vampire Women and Santo in the Wax Museum. The late Smith saw a chance to make a few bucks with Santa Claus and took it. Damned if it didn’t turn a profit for him with holiday matinee re-releases throughout the 60s and 70s. Where Smith saw money, I see theaters filled with terrified tots and pissed off parents.
Cardona, with writing partner-in-crime Adolfo Torres Portillo, reinvents the whole Santa Claus thing by relocating his workshop to a castle in outer space. Instead of elves, he has children from all the nations of the world as his helpers (child labor laws notwithstanding). We get to meet all of them in a prolonged opening where Santa (Moreno) plays a magic organ while the hard-working kids, dressed in their native costumes, sing songs (badly, I might add) from their respective home countries- e.g. the Brit kids sing “London Bridge Is Falling Down”. I don’t know what this has to do with Christmas, but I’ll let it slide since it makes about as much sense as anything else that transpires over the movie’s oft-agonizing 94 minutes.
Meanwhile in Hell, an off-screen Lucifer orders his top demon Pitch (Aguirre) topside to whisper in kids’ ears to be naughty. The idea is to turn them all against jolly old St. Nick. If he fails (which he undoubtedly will), he will be forced to eat chocolate ice cream as punishment. Either way, he has his work cut out for him. Ever wonder how Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice? Wonder no more! He has a giant telescope with a magic eye attachment that allows him to spy on suspected troublemakers. He has an all-knowing machine called a “Teletalker” that gives him the names of the children. It has a big set of lips on it, a precursor to The Rocky Horror Picture Show perhaps. That’s not all. He has another machine that allows him to see the dreams of children. How creepy is that?
The primary focus is on five kids- a lonely rich kid named Billy (Conde) whose parents are never around, a poor girl named Lupita (Quezadas) who only wants a doll, ANY doll, for Christmas and three unnamed brothers who get into all sorts of mischief (e.g. plotting to steal Billy’s presents and jack Santa’s sleigh) at Pitch’s behest. Lupita, on the other hand, resists temptation like a good girl when Pitch tells her to steal a doll from the town marketplace. She wouldn’t even dream of it which we learn when Santa tunes into one of her dreams. It’s a wild one involving giant dolls coming to life, emerging from their coffin-like boxes and urging her to steal. Tough little churro that she is, Lupita steadfastly refuses to yield to temptation.
At this point, I should probably explain a few things about how this Santa thing works according to Santa Claus. Before he heads out on Christmas, the big guy pays a visit to his number one helper Merlin the wizard (Arriola). Yes, THAT Merlin! He’s the one who provides Santa with some of the tools of his trade like a magic powder that puts the kiddies into a deep sleep and a flower that grants him the power to disappear when sniffed. A blacksmith sporting a fake hairy chest gives him a key that opens ANY door. I guess that’s for the houses that don’t have chimneys. Once Santa has all his accouterments, he’s ready to roll. But first, he has to wind up the four mechanical reindeer that pull his sleigh. Yep, you read that right, four mechanical reindeer. That ought to confuse the kids real good! Oh yeah, he has to be back by sunrise or the reindeer will turn to dust. HOLY YULE LOG! They’re vampire reindeer!
As if he wasn’t busy enough on the biggest night of the year, Papa Noel has to contend with the machinations of wicked Pitch. This includes cutting open the bag that contains the sleeping powder and making a vicious dog chase Santa up a tree. It’s okay though, he still manages to pull off a Christmas miracle or two. Hey, he’s Santa! He can do anything except maybe give Carol Brady her voice back in time to sing at church on Christmas Eve. Or can he?
Santa Claus is so cheap, it (almost) makes Santa Claus Conquers the Martians look like a big budget production. The special effects are beyond cheesy so lactose intolerants beware. The costumes, especially the horns and red leotard worn by Pitch, look like somebody bought them at an after-Halloween clearance sale at Woolworth’s. The dubbing, what there is of it, is awful. To its credit, actual dialogue is kept to a minimum which is fine since it’s hard to make out what’s being said half the time. Instead, the story is narrated by Smith. He gives us a play-by-play of everything that’s going on. It’s a slick move on his part actually; it keeps us from noticing that nobody in the movie can act. But you can’t NOT notice it. The acting is absolutely horrendous! Even the kids seem to be struggling to play kids. Lupita takes the cuteness to a level dangerous for diabetics and non-diabetics alike.
As the title character, Moreno makes one screwy Santa. Not only is he a voyeur who spies on little children, he grants little Billy’s wish to have his parents home on Christmas Eve by spiking their drinks at a restaurant. If I don’t know how to reconcile this with the image seen in many a Coke ad, just imagine how grade schoolers who still believe will feel. They’re likely to be more scared of Santa than Patch who, let’s face it, is a joke of a demon. He gives evil a good name. His position in Hell confirms what I’ve always said about the most incompetent employees being promoted to management to keep them from doing too much damage.
Santa Claus fails on every conceivable level. I’m talking creative, artistic and technical. As one of the teachers in my high school used to say, “Zeroes across the broad!” It’s a blight to the eyes and ears alike. The terrible editing combined with the shabby cinematography is the stuff of nightmares. In terms of sound, I don’t know what’s worse, the kids’ tuneless singing at the beginning or the annoying score by Antonio Diaz Conde. Looking at the big picture, I can’t imagine Cardona spent more than a couple hundred bucks on Santa Claus. This thing is CHEAP, CHEAP, CHEAP! It’s also WEIRD, WEIRD and BEYOND WEIRD!
Now that I think about it, today’s kids are too savvy to be scared by something as dopey as Santa Claus. It’s doubtful they’ll even want to watch it once they learn it wasn’t made in this century. That’s fine, a movie this monumentally bad is best left to the adults who get it. Bad, creepy and weird, that’s what makes this Santa Claus so much fun. It wasn’t on too many people’s radar until it was featured on a 1993 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I didn’t see it myself until last year when I found it on Tubi. I didn’t laugh as much as I did at Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but that’s because Santa Claus is a different kind of bad. If I had to describe the experience in a single word, it’d be “surreal”. It’s the kind of movie you have to see to believe. Even then, you still might not. It’s completely God-awful, yet I still want to watch it every Christmas. I can safely say there’s never been anything like Santa Claus and hopefully there never will be again.
