Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Embassy Pictures/Sci-Fi-Comedy RT: 81 minutes No MPAA Rating (mild violence and peril) Director: Nicholas Webster Screenplay: Paul L. Jacobson Music: Milton DeLugg Cinematography: David L. Quaid Release date: November 14, 1964 (US) Cast: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora, Leila Martin, Charles Renn, James Cahill, Ned Wertimer, Doris Rich, Carl Don, Ivor Bodin, Al Nesor, Don Blair. Box Office: N/A
Rating: ***
If nothing else, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the most bizarre Christmas movie EVER! It’s also considered one of the worst movies ever made. This infamous 1964 stinker, named “Most Insufferable Kiddie Movie Ever Made” by film critic Michael Medved and his brother Harry in their 1980 book The Golden Turkey Awards and featured on a popular episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, combines Christmas cheer with cheesy sci-fi to create an unintentionally hilarious experience. It’s so bad, it’s GREAT! I’m not sure if this is what director Nicholas Webster (No Longer Alone) had in mind, but that’s how it turned out. Given its popularity with bad movie aficionados, it looks like being among the worst worked out for the best.
Webster spares every expense in telling the story of how Santa Claus brought the spirit of Christmas to the fourth rock from the sun- i.e. Mars- in a time of crisis. Something is going on with the children of the red planet. This is acknowledged by Martian leader Kimar (Leonard Hicks) when his wife Momar (Leila Martin) informs him their son Bomar (Chris Month) and daughter Girmar (yes, THAT Pia Zadora!) have no appetites and spend an inordinate amount of time watching Earth TV. A visit to 800YO cave-dwelling sage Chochem (Carl Don) reveals what should be obvious to the naked eye. The children don’t get to have any fun. Their lives are rigidly structured with an emphasis on education (via machines connected to their brains). The equally obvious solution? Let them be kids. Let them have some fun.
Kimar and his advisers come up with the bright idea of kidnapping Santa Claus and bringing him to Mars to cheer up the children. How do the Martians know about Santa? Why, from watching an interview with the jolly old toymaker on Earth TV. It sounds easy enough, right? WRONG! When they hit the Earth’s atmosphere, they see a Santa Claus on every street corner in every city. Which one is the real one? Well, lucky for them they encounter a pair of human children, siblings Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti), who point them towards Santa’s workshop at the North Pole. This close encounter isn’t so lucky for Billy and Betty. In order to prevent them from warning the public, the Martians abduct them too.
The spaced-out invaders show up at the North Pole and spirit St. Nick (John Call) away after freeze-raying two elves and nagging wife Mrs. Claus (Doris Rich). The trip back to their home planet is a dangerous one for the human passengers. There’s villainy afoot in the form of Voldar (Vincent Beck), a Martian meanie who thinks what they’re doing is a bad idea. He’s been against it from the start. He hates the idea of bringing joy and toys to all the Martian girls and boys. He’ll do anything to put a stop to it, even kill Santa and the kiddies by trying to launch them into space. Needless to say, he fails and everybody makes it to Mars safely where Santa sets up shop with the help of the four children. They make toys while Voldar continues his efforts to stop Christmas on Mars. Will the day be saved by a little Christmas spirit? What do you think?
To the untrained eye, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a terrible movie. It’s the Plan 9 from Outer Space of Christmas movies. It’s incompetent on every imaginable level and some that have yet to be imagined. I can see in my mind the pained expressions of parents forced to sit through this with their young ones when it opened in time for the holidays in ’64. Some would even argue that it’s the holiday movie you show to naughty children as punishment for their misdeeds. That’s what makes it so great!
As truly awful as it is, I don’t hate Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. In fact, I think it’s a hoot! Let’s start with the catchy theme song “Hooray for Santy Claus” sung-shouted by a children’s chorus over the opening and closing credits during which the lyrics are displayed on-screen accompanied by a bouncing ball so everybody can sing along. Do I sing along? You bet you sweet mistletoe I do! And why not? It’s a funny little ditty.
Everything that happens in between is Ed Wood-level stuff. It’s lower than low budget. The whole movie looks like it was made for a couple hundred bucks. The sets are obviously made of cardboard and wood. The Martians are nothing more than actors wearing green paint, fake antennae and cheap polyester Halloween costumes from Woolworth’s. Wait, it gets worse! There’s a scene where Billy and Betty are trapped in a cave by a polar bear- rather, a guy wearing a polar bear suit- after briefly escaping their alien captors. That’s right, a suit. Any kid over the age of four can see that. I guess trained animal actors weren’t in the budget. The same goes for the giant robot that shows up just moments later to recapture the kids. I wonder if it’s the same guy.
Do I really need to state the obvious about the acting? It’s bad alright and perfectly befitting a movie with a silly title like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. However, I have a feeling the actors knew what they were getting into and just decided to have a little fun on somebody else’s dime. As the title character, Call is no better or worse than any department store Santa. Beck hams it up mightily as the villainous Voldar. I kept waiting for him to twirl his moustache like Snidely Whiplash. Looking at 10YO Pia Zadora in full Martian regalia, it’s hard to believe she’d grow up to star in such trash classics as Butterfly and The Lonely Lady. Bill McCutcheon, better known as eccentric Uncle Wally on Sesame Street, provides intentional comic relief as Kimar’s goofy assistant Dropo. He takes a real liking to Santa and everything he stands for which can mean only one thing. Who will assume the role of Santa Claus on Mars once the real one returns to his rightful place in the universe? Gee, that’s a hard one…. NOT!
The title alone tells you how utterly ridiculous Santa Claus Conquers the Martians truly is. The title rocks even if it’s not 100% accurate. It implies Santa takes on and defeats a race of hostile Martians making Earth safe to celebrate Christmas. That’s not what happens. Perhaps a better title would have been Santa Claus Goes to Mars. Then again, why get hung up on semantics (even though I’m always up for some antics)?
Nobody involved in the production seems to have a clue as to how space travel works. It takes the Martians no time at all to reach Earth, yet it takes a while to get back to Mars. Did they recruit a New York City taxi driver to pilot the spaceship back to Mars? That would explain it since NYC cabbies always know a “shortcut” to every destination that somehow results in a longer ride and higher fare. This, of course, is entirely academic. Trivial details like logic never factor into movies like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Why take the fun out of something so innocuous and unapologetically dumb? It has a big heart to go along with its small brain.
The point of watching a movie like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is being able to brag that you’ve actually seen it. It’s developed a sizable cult following over the years. A few masochists (like me!) have it on their annual holiday watch list. Midnight showings at Christmastime still happen in some cities. I’d love to know where. It’s probably the best way to watch it, with a bunch of people shouting wise cracks at the screen and enthusiastically singing “Hooray for Santy Claus”. Those are my kind of people!
