Christmas with the Kranks (2004) Columbia/Comedy RT: 98 minutes Rated PG (language, slapstick violence, mildly suggestive material) Director: Joe Roth Screenplay: Chris Columbus Music: John Debney Cinematography: Don Burgess Release date: November 24, 2004 (US) Cast: Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd, Julie Gonzalo, M. Emmett Walsh, Elizabeth Franz, Erik Per Sullivan, Cheech Marin, Jake Busey, Austin Pendleton, Tom Poston, Rene Lavin, Caroline Rhea, Felicity Huffman, Kevin Chamberlin, Vernee Watson-Johnson. Box Office: $73.7M (US)/$96.5M (World)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
There are movies I simply don’t like, movies I really hate and then movies I so thoroughly despise I’d like to destroy every copy in existence. Christmas with the Kranks easily falls under that last category. Crass and cynical, it exemplifies everything that’s wrong with Christmas and Christmas-themed movies. I’d have to say it’s easily the absolute worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen or ever likely to see. I’m saying this while acknowledging the existence of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
Surely it can’t be healthy to hate a movie as much as I loathe Christmas with the Kranks. It’s supposedly a comedy, but I don’t see anything funny about it. I gritted my teeth through the entire picture both times I watched it. That’s right, I’ve seen it twice, once when it first came out and again the other night. I threw myself under the figurative train so I could write an accurate review of this travesty of a Christmas movie. You can thank me later.
It’s not enough to describe Christmas with the Kranks as bad. That would be tantamount to saying Charles Manson is a disturbed individual. It is despicable on every single level. There’s not a single likable character in sight and anything that even approaches some form of sentimentality comes off as insincere and phony. It’s more likely to cause heartburn than warm the heart at any point in the painful proceedings. It’s a tremendous waste of time, money, effort and talent. It’s not saying much for a so-called comedy when the viewer feels uncomfortable watching it. That’s exactly how I felt as I witnessed the behavior of certain characters. I’ll say more about that in a moment.
For starters, the main characters in Christmas with the Kranks are two of the most horrible people that I’ve ever encountered in a holiday-themed movie. Despite their surname, Luther (Allen, the Santa Clause movies) and Nora Krank (Curtis, A Fish Called Wanda) are not cranky or curmudgeonly. He’s an arrogant jerk; she’s a real pain in the ass. They’re both extremely selfish as well. At one point early on, she sends him to the market for a couple of non-essentials in a complete downpour. When he returns to the car without one of the items, she makes him go back for it. She doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s completely drenched. Yeah, that’s real funny.
The market incident occurs right after they drop their daughter Blair (Gonzalo, A Cinderella Story) off at the airport. She’s going to Peru with the Peace Corps and won’t be home for Christmas. It will be the Kranks first Christmas alone in more than 20 years so Luther comes up with the idea of “skipping Christmas” and taking a Caribbean cruise instead. This means not recognizing the holiday at all. No gifts, cards, decorations, parties or taking part in any holiday traditions. Nora reluctantly agrees to go along with her hubby’s edict after he allows her to make their annual charitable donations.
When the Kranks inform their friends and neighbors of their intention, their lives become a living nightmare. They all turn into Christmas Nazis with the charge being led by Vic (Aykroyd, The Blues Brothers), unofficial block captain and extreme proponent of Christmas. Here’s where the disturbing behavior comes into play. He leads a campaign of harassment against the Kranks that includes the neighborhood children chanting “Free Frosty!” on their front lawn. That would be the giant snowman they usually put on their roof every year. The neighbors’ behavior doesn’t just border on criminal, it IS criminal. Apparently, none of them are familiar with the terms “criminal trespass” and “harassment”.
This goes on until Christmas Eve when Blair calls to announce she will be home for Christmas after all, effectively killing Luther’s plans for the holiday. The couple scrambles to try and have the house ready for their daughter who’s expecting a traditional family Christmas celebration. It all leads to the big, heart-warming scene where all the neighbors come together to try and help the Kranks put together something festive for their daughter and her new fiancée (Lavin). Then, Luther performs an act of kindness for an elderly neighbor (Walsh, Wildcats) and his ailing wife (Franz, The Secret of My Success). Excuse me while I barf.
There’s absolutely nothing funny about Christmas with the Kranks except possibly for the scene where a group of carolers slip and fall on the ice in front of the Kranks’ house due to Luther spraying down the lawn with a garden hose. Okay, that’s a little bit funny, but you just know it could lead to all kinds of lawsuits against the arrogant bastard.
Still, Christmas with the Kranks is a total disaster. It’s based on the 2001 best seller “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham. I can only imagine his disgust as he watched this terrible adaptation unfold. I’ve never read the book myself, but I can tell within its pages lies a humorous premise with a measure of potential. Director Joe Roth (Revenge of the Nerds II, America’s Sweethearts) could have put together a decent farce about the commercialization of Christmas and the vilification of those who refuse to get sucked into that trap. Instead, he’s made a very strong argument for skipping Christmas.
I don’t mind Christmas movies that are in bad taste. I really like Bad Santa and The Ref. I can also accept a movie like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation because its protagonist is a well-meaning idiot rather than a pompous jerk. These movies are legitimately funny. Christmas with the Kranks is an insult to the holiday and all of its wonderful traditions. I’d sooner spend the holidays with the Grinch than anybody in this movie. Shame on you, Mr. Roth, shame on you! Shame also on Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis who should have known better. Shame on writer Chris Columbus, the same guy who gave us the delightful Home Alone. There’s plenty of shame and blame to go around and more than enough people who deserve it.
Christmas with the Kranks made a decent amount of money at the box office, but I wonder how many people actually liked it. Seriously, does anybody really like this facacta movie? It’s enough to turn even jolly old St. Nick into a Scrooge. Feh, humbug!
