Splatter University (1984) Troma/Horror-Thriller RT: 78 minutes Rated R (bloody violence, language, suggestive material, drug and alcohol use by teens) Director: Richard W. Haines Screenplay: Michael Cunningham, Richard W. Haines and John Michaels Music: Chris Burke Cinematography: Jim Grib Release date: July 13, 1984 (US) Cast: Francine Forbes, Rich Randig, Dick Biel, Kathy Lacommare, Laura Gold, Ken Gerson, Sal Lumetta, Clifford Warren, Noel Stilphen, Mary Ellen David, Jane Doniger Reibel, Dan Eaton, John Michaels, George Seminara, Joanna Mihalakis. Box Office: N/A Body Count: 8
Rating: *
Nobody makes bad movies like Troma and Splatter University is a perfect example. It is a howler of a bad slasher flick. In fact, one of the roughly 75 horny dudes in the movie actually howls which is why everybody calls him “Wolf” I suspect. It doesn’t matter though since we don’t spend a lot of time with him or any of the students at St. Trinian’s, a private Catholic college run by judgmental priests. They have very little to do with the plot actually. There’s a reason their scenes feel disconnected from the rest of the movie.
Director Richard W. Haines, best known for Troma’s trash classic Class of Nuke ‘Em High, filmed most of Splatter University in 81. It clocked in at only 65 minutes so he went back the following year and filmed 13 more minutes of mostly unrelated scenes with students to pad it out. The only real student of note is Cathy (Lacommare), a good girl who gets knocked up by her Neanderthal boyfriend Tom (Gerson). The killer takes care of her a few scenes later a drive-in movie which pretty much settles her issue with getting an abortion. The rest of the student body is a jumble of slutty girls and horndog guys who spend more time partying than studying.
The plot opens with a homicidal maniac escaping from a mental hospital (after stabbing a doctor in the crotch) and disappearing. The lunatic turns up again three years later when he/she stabs a female sociology professor to death. The following semester, a replacement professor named Julie Parker (Forbes) is hired to try and teach the disrespectful class. That’s when the killing begins. Since we never see the killer’s face, he or she could literally be anybody. Suspicion lands on Mark (Randig), a fellow professor who was previously involved with the dead teacher. He acts squirrely every time the subject comes up. It eventually leads Julie to play Nancy Drew and conduct her own investigation.
Splatter University is strictly by the numbers until the finale when Haines throws in a final twist you might see coming. Actually, he gives us two; one involving the identity of the killer and the other the final girl’s fate. I had a feeling about the former, but I didn’t expect the latter. It’s the only time the movie shows a flash of semi-originality. The rest is predictable, slow-going and occasionally obnoxious.
I’ve seen a lot of bad acting in my life, but rarely is it as terrible as what’s on display in Splatter University. I know performance isn’t a top priority in the slasher genre, but come on. This is ridiculous! The line readings are overly rehearsed and unconvincing to the point of unintentional comedy. While bad for regular mainstream movies, it’s right at home in Troma’s films. In fact, I think it’s one of their main identifying features. Look at The Toxic Avenger. It’s a great movie, but there’s no denying it’s very, VERY badly acted. It’s one of the things that make it so fun. If only the same could be said of Splatter University.
Although it has a few neat gory scenes, I didn’t have a lot of fun with Splatter University. I didn’t really enjoy it at all, in fact. I think it’s lame, boring and cheesy. It’s poorly made and flatly directed. The writing is half-assed at best. It leaves questions unanswered and plotlines incomplete. It’s not good storytelling. There’s zero in the way of suspense, thrills or jump-scares. I’m not even sure I would have liked it as a teen. Bottom line, it sucks! Need I say more?
