Pinocchio (2022) Disney/Fantasy-Adventure-Comedy RT: 111 minutes Rated PG (peril/scary moments, rude material, some language) Director: Robert Zemeckis Screenplay: Robert Zemeckis and Chris Weitz Music: Alan Silvestri Cinematography: Don Burgess Release date: September 8, 2022 (US, Disney+) Cast: Tom Hanks, Benjamin Evan Ainsworth, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Cynthia Erivo, Keegan-Michael Key, Lorraine Bracco, Kyanne Lamaya, Jaquita Ta’le, Giuseppe Battiston, Luke Evans, Lewin Lloyd. Box Office: N/A (straight to Disney+)
Rating: *
The key to understanding how wrong-headed Robert Zemeckis’ live-action remake of Pinocchio occurs early on when the titular puppet, for no good reason, starts sniffing around a pile of poop in the street. Is this how low we’ve sunk? It’s not enough Disney allowed Zemeckis to trash one of their beloved animated classics. They also feel compelled to add potty humor in order to keep the kiddies amused. I’m not against that type of humor; I just think it has a place and Pinocchio definitely isn’t it. Furthermore, it shows a lack of reverence for the original film, one that has delighted generations of kids of all ages.
Before my own nose grows, I’d better clarify something I said earlier. Although it’s being called “a live-action remake”, Pinocchio is actually a blend of live-action and CGI. In fact, it’s mostly CGI. I suppose a movie featuring a wooden puppet come to life, a talking cricket and a giant sea monster would have to be. To be fair, the effects are pretty decent, but pale in comparison to the ones in Zemeckis’ earlier films. How can we ever forget his seamless blend of live actors and animated characters in the 1988 blockbuster Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Or how he inserted Tom Hanks into actual historical footage in Forrest Gump? Or the motion-capture technology he used to bring The Polar Express to life? He’s a true innovator. You wouldn’t know it by watching Pinocchio. The effects aren’t really all that special, but that’s the least of its many problems.
Zemeckis, who co-wrote the screenplay with Chris Weitz (Cinderella), sticks somewhat close to the story told to much better effect 82 years ago (yes, it’s really been that long!). Lonely woodcarver Geppetto (Hanks) makes a puppet, modeled after his own dead son, that magically comes to life after he wishes on a star. The Blue Fairy (Erivo, Harriet) appears and explains to Pinocchio (Ainsworth, The Haunting of Bly Manor) that he can become a real boy if he’s “brave, truthful and selfless”. She then appoints Jiminy Cricket (Levitt, The Dark Knight Rises) his conscience, the little voice that tells him right from wrong. When Geppetto wakes up and sees what happened, he’s overjoyed.
Although only a few days old, Geppetto decides it’s time for his “boy” to attend school. That’s where Pinocchio’s troubles begin. He’s lured away by foxy con artist Honest John (Key, The Lion King) who convinces him that becoming famous will make his “father” proud. The fox proceeds to sell him to evil showman Stromboli (Italian actor Battiston) who locks him in a bird cage after a successful debut performance. Jiminy helps him escape, but the puppet is soon swooped up by Coachman (Evans of the Fast & Furious movies) to join a bunch of rowdy kids on a trip to hedonistic Pleasure Island where there are no rules. While all this is going on, Geppetto goes looking for his missing son.
I realize the preceding paragraphs are hardly necessary as everybody knows the story of Pinocchio. Obviously, the writers have made a few changes in an attempt to modernize and extend. New characters, like disabled dancer Fabiana (Lamaya, The Dumping Ground), have been added. Things that weren’t in the original have also been added. This includes numerous pop culture references and in-jokes. Take a close look as Geppetto’s cuckoo clock collection. You’ll see what I mean.
By way of making it kid-safe, Pinocchio no longer indulges in beer and cigars on Pleasure Island. Now it’s root beer, candy and mean social media posts. It’s annoying, but nothing compared to what they’ve done to the nose-growing scene. In the original, it taught young viewers about the dangers of telling lies. Here, it’s simply a device to move the plot along. WHY? Then there’s the ending. I won’t go into specifics, but it eliminates the point of the story altogether.
Pinocchio, like the other live-action remakes churned out by Disney, is little more than a cash grab. It’s no longer profitable to re-release their animated classics every six or seven years now that they’re all available on various formats- e.g. video, DVD and streaming on Disney+. In a move clearly motivated by greed, studio heads decided to reimagine them as live-action movies. Some have been better than others, but all are equally unnecessary. Pinocchio is easily the worst of the lot. It is a soulless exercise as wooden as its main character. It’s also unusually dark for an alleged kid’s movie. The sequence on Pleasure Island is the worst of all. Those apparition-like beings are guaranteed to give the little ones nightmares for weeks. Think thrice before ordering this one for family movie night.
There are a few little bright spots in this Pinocchio. Hanks is likable enough as Geppetto. He’s very much a modern-day Jimmy Stewart. Erivo, in her one and only scene, stands out as The Blue Fairy. She has a beautiful singing voice. The set design is pretty good too. That’s about it. The rest of Pinocchio is garbage. It’s lifeless, heartless and devoid of emotion. It’s a lumbering vehicle that runs on cynicism and avarice. It’s a horrible waste of every resource imaginable. The saddest thing of all is that it would have made money if Disney released it to theaters. Like any showman worth his weight in BS, they know there’s a sucker born every minute.
