The Avengers (1998) Warner Bros./Action-Comedy RT: 89 minutes Rated PG-13 (brief strong language) Director: Jeremiah Chechik Screenplay: Alessandro Manzoni Music: Joel McNeely Cinematography: Roger Pratt Release date: August 14, 1998 (US) Cast: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Jim Broadbent, Fiona Shaw, Eddie Izzard, Eileen Atkins, John Wood, Carmen Ejogo, Keeley Hawes, Patrick Macnee (voice), Shaun Ryder, Nicholas Woodeson. Box Office: $23.3M (US)/$54.7M (World)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
All the signs were right there save for a big flashing neon sign. It couldn’t have been any clearer. The Avengers, an adaptation of the popular British spy show from the 60s, had “BAD MOVIE!” written all over it. It’s directed by Jeremiah Chechik whose previous movie was the bad-beyond-bad American remake of Diabolique. Its release date was bumped from June to August during which the studio drastically cut down the running time from 115 to 89 minutes rendering the plot incomprehensible. Then they declined to screen it in advance for critics and audiences alike. It opened cold in mid-August which we all know is traditionally a dumping ground for terrible movies. No surprise, it’s every bit as bad as the signs indicate. No, I take that back. It’s worse.
The Avengers stars Ralph Fiennes (Quiz Show) and Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction) in the roles made famous by Patrick Macnee (who cameos, sort of) and Diana Rigg (who wisely stays away), Ministry agents John Steed and Emma Peel. It seems that somebody has sabotaged something called the “Prospero Project” (it controls the weather, I think) and the somebody appears to be Mrs. Peel. Steed is ordered to train Mrs. Peel before looking for the real culprit. Said culprit is Sir August de Wynter (Connery, The Untouchables), a madman who wants to control the world’s weather. That’s about all I can discern about the plot; the rest is a convoluted mess.
The Avengers is a career nadir for all involved and yes, I’m taking Uma’s boring turn as Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin into consideration. Connery, who sounds like he’s talking with a mouth full of oatmeal, gives the most embarrassing performance of his career. It makes you believe he should have won an Oscar for Highlander II: The Quickening. He shamelessly mugs as Sir August, the leader of a secret organization that demands anonymity among its members. He achieves that by having them attend meetings dressed as giant, differently-colored teddy bears. Uh, okay. It makes about as much sense as everything else that goes down in this fustercluck of a movie.
There is absolute NO chemistry between Fiennes and Thurman. NONE, ZERO, ZILCH! Their individual performances are just as dreadful. Every single exchange feels labored; every line that comes out of their mouths sounds stilted. Fiennes phones it in while his American co-star’s Brit accent comes and goes. The Avengers totally wastes the talents of respected actors Jim Broadbent (Iris) and Fiona Shaw (the Harry Potter movies) as Ministry directors “Mother” and “Father” respectively. Let’s just cut to the chase. None of the actors who appear (or, in Macnee’s case, don’t appear) in this mess emerge unscathed. The original John Steed doesn’t show up briefly as an invisible agent who helps the new John Steed. At least he has the good sense not to show his face which gives him a one-up on his co-stars.
The Avengers reeks of post-production tampering with its unintelligible plot. There is a lot that goes unexplained. Take Mrs. Peel’s evil doppelganger. What is she, a twin or a clone? The movie, in its truncated form, never bothers to explain. There are scenes when we’re not even sure if we’re looking at good Peel or bad Peel. It mishandles the heroes’ discovery of the villain completely. One moment, they don’t know it’s Sir August. Then suddenly, they do. Where’s the scene of realization? Of all the scenes to leave on the cutting room floor, why such a crucial one? Also, how does good Mrs. Peel know the secret password to gain admittance to Sir August’s estate? Warner didn’t just recut The Avengers, they gutted it.
Speaking of post-production tampering, did anybody else notice something off about its one use of the f-word? It happens in the climactic sequence when Mrs. Peel fights the speechless lackey played by Brit comedian Eddie Izzard. It’s the only word he utters throughout the whole movie. ANYWAY, it doesn’t sound quite right. That’s because it was dubbed in after the fact in order to achieve a PG-13 rating. The studio felt audiences wouldn’t show up for a PG spy actioner.
The Avengers isn’t a movie; it’s an act of vandalism. Watching it is akin to witnessing a crime. It’s a misfire on a grand scale. It’s easily the worst TV-to-film adaptation EVER! It’s easily one of the worst films EVER! The makers thoroughly trash the original show with a plot that’s as idiotic as it is confusing. It’s also as boring as it is bewildering. It’s filled to the fringes with dumb ideas like the swarm of large mechanical bees that chase our heroes in one scene. It turns into a loud, bombastic noisefest with terrible special effects in the finale. It sucks the life right out of the theater.
I’ll give The Avengers credit in two areas: (1) it has some interesting production design, some being the key word and (2) I like the Grace Jones song “Storm” that plays over the end credits. Neither of these things makes it even remotely watchable, it still sucks. It’s such a colossal turkey; it should have been distributed by Butterball. I can think of many movies that deserve to be disowned, but The Avengers holds a high position on the list. It’s an insult to fans of the show and the intelligence of anybody that watches it. Hell, it’s just insulting.
