Twelve Thirty (2011)    SenArt Films/Drama    RT: 126 minutes    No MPAA Rating (frequent nudity including full frontal, strong sexual content/conversation, language, adult themes)    Director: Jeff Lipsky    Screenplay: Jeff Lipsky    Music: Paul Hsu    Cinematography: Ruben O’Malley    Release date: January 14, 2011 (US)    Cast: Jonathan Groff, Portia Reiners, Mamie Gummer, Karen Young, Reed Birney, Halley Feiffer, Barbara Barrie, Rebecca Schull.    Box Office: N/A

Rating: *

I’m not sure if I missed the point of Twelve Thirty. Perhaps it’s a brilliant piece of filmmaking and I just don’t see it. I must refer to what I keep saying about movies being a subjective art form. One person’s treasure is another person’s trash. Include my opinion of Twelve Thirty in the latter category. What I saw was a pretentious, talky and dull movie about a dysfunctional family and the young man who enters their lives in a most unpleasant manner.

 The young man in question is Jeff (Groff, Glee) who we first meet working at a restaurant with 19YO Mel (Reiners, One Life to Live). They flirt with each other. He takes to a place called The Church Of The Open Door and the door is locked (irony, how original…. NOT!). After some long conversation where he confesses he’s a virgin, Mel offers to have sex with him. They do it. Later she says she won’t have sex with him again. Next, Jeff attends a party and has sex with Mel’s virginal sister Maura (Gummer, Ricki and the Flash). Actually, it might be more accurate to say he forces himself on her although that’s a subject of debate since the scene is filmed in total darkness in a closet. Then he goes to the girls’ house and has a long conversation with their mother Vivien (Young, Jaws: The Revenge). Guess what? They have sex too. The rest of Twelve Thirty consists of the characters discussing their guilt and other really insignificant things. That’s it; there is no real story to speak of. It’s a shapeless mess.

I don’t think I’ve seen a movie with so many unlikeable characters since Closer. There’s not a single decent person in the entire movie. Take Vivien, a morose alcoholic who still has sex with her bisexual ex-husband Martin (Birney, House of Cards) who comes off as a real creep. There’s a scene near the end of this long, pointless movie where he tries to have a tender conversation with Maura, but it’s creepy instead. You can’t really like the girls either because Mel is a tease (she leads Jeff on big time) and Maura is a bore. The performances are wooden. The actors sound like they’re just reciting lines of dialogue, especially Gummer (daughter of Meryl Streep) who speaks in an annoying monotone. Oh yeah, Maura’s best friend Irina (Feiffer, The Squid and the Whale) is a Satanist. She’s the one who sets up the liaison between Jeff and Maura. Jeff is the worst of all. The fact he has sex with every female member of the family is sick and reprehensible.

 Twelve Thirty is a prime example of what I call “artistic masturbation”. The director is out to gratify himself; who really cares if the audience gets it? Granted, there may be a few scenes where Reiners shows her stuff (she’s actually the most interesting character in the movie), but for a movie about people and how they relate, it sure is phony and stilted. And why does there have to be so much talking? The conversations are inconsequential as the movie itself. At a little over two hours, the viewer’s patience wears extremely thin. The editing is amateurish and unimaginative. There’s no logic to it at all. The movie jumps from scene to scene without the aid of narrative connective tissue. It is an absolute piece of crap. If this is an example of the caliber of Lipsky’s work, I suggest he find another line of work. Not even the sex scenes can redeem this movie. They’re so cold and aloof, you’d think you were watching a really bad porn video. I’m not sure what else I can say about Twelve Thirty except don’t waste your time. Nothing happens and you’re not missing a thing.