Vampire Hookers (1978) Caprican Films/Horror-Comedy RT: 88 minutes Rated R (violence, sex, nudity, language) Director: Cirio H. Santiago Screenplay: Howard R. Cohen Music: Jaime Mendoza-Nava Cinematography: John Araojo and Carding Remias Release date: July 21, 1978 (US) Cast: John Carradine, Bruce Fairbairn, Trey Wilson, Karen Stride, Lenka Novak, Katie Dolan, Lex Winter, Leo Martinez, Vic Diaz. Box Office: N/A
Rating: *
The title Vampire Hookers carries with it the promise of great bad movie fun. Well, it’s bad alright. I’m not so sure about the great part. As for it being fun, it depends on the viewer. Like art, fun is subjective. What is it they say about trash, treasure and one man? If you ask me, I think Vampire Hookers belongs in the trash category. It’s badly made even for a cheesy exploitation movie. It’s a horror-comedy that succeeds as neither one. Worst of all, it’s boring. Yet I’m not ready to dismiss it altogether.
The Filipino exploitation flick, directed by the late, great Cirio H. Santiago (TNT Jackson, Stryker), stars John Carradine as a Shakespeare-quoting vampire pimp who operates out of a crypt in a cemetery in Manila. You know right away what you’re in for with Vampire Hookers by the pre-credits scene in which the aging actor channels Bela Lugosi in Glen or Glenda by delivering an incoherent monologue* directly to the camera. Sadly, he doesn’t get to say “PULL ZE STRINGS!” like the drug-addled Hungarian actor infamously did in Edward D. Wood’s zany 1953 camp classic.
After the credits, we meet our two “heroes”, Tom (Fairbairn, Nightstick) and Terry (Wilson, Raising Arizona), a pair of sailors on leave in Manila. I put heroes in quotes because these guys are idiots who would be more at home in a Weekend Pass-style comedy than a horror movie. We follow them as they navigate nightlife in Manila looking to get laid. At one point, they end up in a bar where the girls aren’t exactly girls. Luckily, they run into their CO (Winter), a (slightly) less idiotic sort riding around with a cabbie, Julio (Martinez, Enter the Ninja), who knows a bar where they might get some satisfaction. Not bloody likely, but it’s likely to get bloody. Sorry not sorry, bad joke.
Unfortunately for Tom and Jerry… I mean, Terry, it’s their CO who leaves with the prostitute who catches all six of their eyes, Cherish (Stride). Fortunately for T&T, she’s one of the three girls who work for the vampire pimp Richmond Reed (Carradine’s birth name). She takes the CO to her place at the cemetery where she and her co-workers Suzy (Novak) and Marcy (Dolan) make short work of him. It’s the girls’ job to lure American men to their secret lair. It seems that Reed prefers domestic over imported- or is it the other way around?- when it comes to blood. ANYWAY, this is where we say bye-bye to Mr. Lucky Not Lucky.
A week later, Tom and Terry go searching for their missing friend. They learn of his whereabouts from Julio who takes them to the cemetery where Tom ends up as a captive in the vampires’ lair. It’s up to Terry, who’s terrified of cemeteries, to rescue his pal before he’s turned into a creature of the night.
At the center of the terrible Vampire Hookers, there’s a terrific campy performance from Carradine, an actor whose filmography runs the gamut from the sublime (The Grapes of Wrath) to the ridiculous (Billy the Kid vs. Dracula) and a whole lot in between. He brings the only note of class to this otherwise crass attempt to lure in viewers with the promise of a bloodsucking sexfest. He walks around in a white suit, quoting the Bard and other poets while drinking (literal) Bloody Marys. At one point, he laments how in 200 years nobody has come up with something other than vodka that mixes well with blood. From the looks of things, I’d say Carradine was hitting the bottle before, between and after takes. Only a drunk would try to deliver a Shakespearean performance in a dumb, low-budget exploitation movie like Vampire Hookers. I kept thinking of Peter O’Toole’s character in My Favorite Year for some odd reason.
As for the rest of the acting, it’s horrible. Fairbairn and Wilson act like they’re in a totally different kind of movie. Their misadventures are supposed to be funny, but they’re not. You look at these guys and it makes you wonder if the Navy has a lax policy when it comes to IQ. I guess it doesn’t matter since intelligence doesn’t appear to play a role in any aspect of Vampire Hookers. That is especially true of Pavo (Diaz), the Renfield character. He’s one big fart joke. He farts A LOT! This is who Reed entrusts to watch over him and his brides while they slumber by day? Oh, PUH-LEEZE!
When a movie is called Vampire Hookers, it’s only natural to expect two things: (1) bloody vampire violence and (2) hot vampire sex. The movie doesn’t deliver on either front. There’s precious little blood aside from the Bloody Marys. There’s one extended sex scene that lasts about six or seven minutes. It gets boring by the second minute. Several shots are used more than once. You see some boobs but that’s about it. For the most part, Vampire Hookers is a huge tease.
What’s sad is that Vampire Hookers could have been an exploitation classic with its impressive (as it pertains to its genre) pedigree. In his career, Santiago directed around 100 exploitation movies. In addition to the titles I mentioned above, he also made The Muthers, Death Force, Caged Fury and Wheels of Fire. He obviously knows what he’s doing. The screenplay is the work of Howard R. Cohen, best known for writing and directing Saturday the 14th and Space Raiders. To its credit, it does have a dementedly catchy theme song that plays over the end credits. It doesn’t really help. By all means, Vampire Hookers should have been a gas, gas, gas. Instead, it’s like somebody passed gas, gas, gas. It stinks. HA! I bet you thought I was going to say it sucks, didn’t you?
*= Carradine’s monologue comes from a poem. I don’t know the name of it or the poet. If anybody knows, please let me know.
