Wagons East (1994) TriStar/Comedy-Western RT: 107 minutes Rated PG-13 (off-color humor) Director: Peter Markle Screenplay: Matthew Carlson Music: Michael Small Cinematography: Frank Tidy Release date: August 26, 1994 (US) Cast: John Candy, Richard Lewis, John C. McGinley, Ellen Greene, Robert Picardo, William Sanderson, Melinda Culea, Lochlyn Munro, Joel McKinnon Miller, Abraham Benrubi, Thomas F. Duffy, David Dunard, Marvin McIntire, Tony Pierce, Jill Boyd, Russell Means, Rodney A. Grant, Ed Lauter, Gailard Sartain, Ethan Phillips, Don Lake, Charles Rocket. John Dennis Johnston. Box Office: $4.4M (US)
Rating: *
The western-comedy Wagons East would have ridden off into the sunrise, never again to darken the doorways of the moviegoing public’s collective memory, if not for it being John Candy’s final movie. He died of a heart attack while working on the western spoof. Some people think Canadian Bacon was Candy’s last movie but it’s not. In actuality, it was made before but came out after Wagons East. In any event, it’s shame his swan song is such a collection of sour notes.
The plot concerns a group of settlers who’ve had it with life in the Wild West. It’s just too rough for them. They decide the best thing to do is return from whence they came, the East. They hire grizzled, alcoholic wagon master James Harlow (Candy) to lead them. They include an ex-surgeon (Lewis playing his usual neurotic character), a gay bookseller (McGinley, Wall Street), a hooker (Greene, Little Shop of Horrors), a banker tired of being robbed all the time (Picardo, Gremlins 2) and a mail-order bride (Culea, The A-Team) betrothed to a group of brothers who split the cost.
Naturally, the group runs into their share of troubles along the way, most of them the work of a villainous railroad baron (Sartain, Ernest Goes to Camp) who sees their leaving the West as bad for business. He hires a bad guy in a black hat (Lauter, Death Wish 3) to stop them. When that fails, he hires a posse that rides, rides, rides and nothing else. They also encounter Native Americans who agree to escort them through hostile territory because if going east catches on, it means finally ridding themselves of the white man. Then, of course, there’s Harlow’s incompetence. He’s not very good at his job. He gets them lost, of course. Need I continue?
One of the plot threads in Wagons East involves a secret about Harlow’s past. One of the wagon train members, a dull-witted sort played by William Sanderson of TV’s Newhart, knows he’s known for something, but can’t remember what. Since it takes more than half the movie for his memory to serve, I’ll jump ahead and tell you that Harlow was the wagon master for the infamous Donner Party. You know, the one that ended in death and cannibalism? This explains why Harlow is a vegetarian.
Let me circle back to the black-hatted bad guy played by Lauter for a moment. He’s the Wile E. Coyote of this tale. Every trap he lays for the travelers backfires. Despite being buried in an avalanche of rocks and getting blown up, he keeps getting back up. This is the only amusing part of Wagons East and even then it takes a back seat to Kirk Douglas doing the same schtick to greater effect in 1979’s The Villain.
I’d now like to address an issue that appears to be a subject of debate. At least I think it is. I’ve heard some people claim that Candy filmed all of his scenes prior to his death. He did NOT. The fact is Wagons East was in its final days of filming when the actor-comedian died unexpectedly. Special effects and a stand-in, as well as a few script rewrites, were used to complete the film. Now that this is settled, let’s move on to why the movie doesn’t work.
Although Candy is the star, he hardly registers as a presence most of the time. He doesn’t get any big scenes or hilarious moments. There are many scenes he’s not in. A lot of Wagons East focuses on the wagon train passengers. When he is on-screen, he’s still not completely there. He’s aloof and disinterested. For a comic star with as big a personality as Candy, this is a bad thing. Now it could be the result of his failing health and if I’m being honest, he looks and sounds exhausted. However, I think the more likely reason is the lazy direction of Peter Markle (Hot Dog… The Movie) who displays a surprising amount of ineptitude here. His movie has no sense of comic timing, pacing, excitement or what is and isn’t funny. It’s as flat as Matthew Carlson’s uninspired screenplay. It contains the usual jokes about flatulence, sex, bestiality, bodily substances and getting hit in the balls, all PG-13 level. There’s a particular gross gag about a urine-filled canteen. Use your imagination.
Wagons East wastes a talented cast that includes Lewis who brings his act to a western setting to zero comic effect. McGinley is reduced to playing a gay stereotype who decides to leave the town of Prosperity after one of its dirty denizens purchases a pristine copy of Pride and Prejudice to use as toilet paper. I’m sure straight people would be appalled by this as well. Ah, screw it! Let’s just say that no cast member emerges from this catastrophic comedy unscathed. It’s a black mark on all of their resumes.
Aside from a few silly moments featuring Lauter, Wagons East is unfunny to a heartbreaking level. While Candy’s scenes may have been completed, the same can’t be said of the screenplay. It feels half-written. Remember when I talked about the posse? Permit me to elaborate. The scenes of them riding furiously are intercut with scenes of the wagon train making its way east to St. Louis. At one point, they end up on a beach. Huh? How did that happen? Then we never see or hear about them again. Many of the situations, like the bit with the US Cavalry (dispatched by the railroad baron, of course) that culminates in a fist fight that goes on entirely too long, are contrived.
If Blazing Saddles is the zenith of western-comedies, Wagons East is the nadir. It’s not even as good as Lust in the Dust. It’s not at all surprising TriStar dumped it into theaters at the end of August. It is NOT how I want to remember John Candy. Thank God he left behind a legacy that includes comedy gems like Stripes, Spaceballs, Uncle Buck and my favorite, Planes, Trains and Automobiles. That’s how he should be remembered.
