Heartbeeps (1981) Universal/Sci-Fi-Comedy RT: 78 minutes Rated PG (mild language) Director: Allan Arkush Screenplay: John Hill Music: John Williams Cinematography: Charles Rosher Jr. Release date: December 18, 1981 (US) Cast: Andy Kaufman, Bernadette Peters, Randy Quaid, Kenneth McMillan, Melanie Mayron, Christopher Guest, Richard B. Shull, Dick Miller, Kathleen Freeman, Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, Ann Wharton, Barry Diamond, Stephanie Faulkner, Jeffrey Kramer, Jerry Garcia (voice), Jack Carter (voice), Ron Gans (voice). Box Office: $2.1M (US)
Rating: **
The sci-fi-comedy Heartbeeps is an odd duck indeed. If it was a vehicle that ran on laughs, the tank would be bone dry by the end. It would cross the finish line on fumes from the few chuckles it might possibly elicit from less demanding viewers. The supposed gags are tied together by a plotline generously described as threadbare. It’s not a good movie; however, it’s not entirely unwatchable either.
I don’t know the full backstory on Heartbeeps. I do know that Universal recut it prior to its release in December ’81. This explains why it runs a scant 78 minutes which is still too long considering what little it has in the way of a plot. On an appearance on David Letterman’s show, star Andy Kaufman apologized for it and jokingly offered a full refund to everybody that paid to see it. Oy vey! You know a movie is in trouble when the star doesn’t even try to put a positive spin on it.
It won’t take long to describe the plot of Heartbeeps. Thank God for small favors. In the “future” (1995, to be exact), two robots escape from the factory warehouse where they fall in love while awaiting repairs. They are Val (Kaufman, Taxi) and Aqua (Peters, The Jerk). They want to explore the world to get a better understanding of it. They’re joined by a robot comedian named Catskill who tells jokes Henny Youngman would find corny. They build a baby robot out of spare parts and name him Philco. They’re pursued by two barely competent factory workers, Max (McMillan, Dune) and Charlie (Quaid, Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies), and a malfunctioning law-enforcement robot named Crimebuster. That’s about it.
Perhaps I should elaborate on a detail or two. When I say “explore the world”, it really means wandering aimlessly through the forest outside the facility. They don’t move very fast. I’d say the robots travel at a rate of approximately 2 mph. BTW, this is in no way connected to their never-ending search for fresh battery packs. Their journey isn’t uneventful. Val tangles with a bear after unsuccessfully trying to convince him to share his cave. They sneak into a fancy party and create bedlam. They almost get incinerated by Crimebuster. Also, they meet a couple of nice humans who run a junkyard, Calvin (Guest, This Is Spinal Tap) and Susan (Mayron, thirtysomething).
What’s especially disheartening about Heartbeeps is that some very talented people worked on it. Kaufman and Peters are both gifted performers. It’s directed by Allan Arkush who made the cult comedies Rock ‘n’ Roll High School and Get Crazy. John Williams (Jaws, Star Wars) composed the score. Albert Whitlock (The Thing) and Stan Winston (Predator) did the special effects and makeup respectively. It bears mentioning that Heartbeeps is one of the two inaugural nominees for new Academy Award category Best Makeup. It lost to An American Werewolf in London (Rick Baker).
It’s said that Kaufman preferred to remain in character through the entirety of a project. The thought of him acting like a robot between takes and off the set is far funnier than anything in Heartbeeps. With the help of Winston’s first-rate makeup job, he’s convincing as a robot. He has nice chemistry with Peters. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with their performances. Their characters are likable enough. The problem is the script.
As I understand it, AI beings Val and Aqua are trying to understand the idea of human emotions, love in particular. To achieve that, they’d need to observe humans. If they’re so intelligent, why don’t they head for the nearest big city? What better place to observe humans in action? Instead, they go to a small town without a single person in sight in the middle of the night. I’m not sure anybody even lives there. Absolutely NOBODY reacts to the commotion resulting from the hostile encounter between Crimebuster and the robot fugitives, not even local cops.
The preceding is just part of a bigger problem with Heartbeeps. The future in which it takes place is neither shown nor adequately explained. I get that robots are common household items, but what’s the rest of the world like? If the fancy party is any indication, it’s not much different from present-day 1981. A few words and scenes of explanation would have been in order.
I don’t hate Heartbeeps, but I don’t especially like it either. It’s a cute idea, but that’s all it is, an idea. Arkush and writer John Hill (Quigley Down Under) fail to develop it too much beyond its premise. It’s only mildly amusing at best. I chuckled at Catskill’s bad jokes, but that’s it. I’ll also grant that Philco is a cute little robot; he’s this movie’s equivalent to R2-D2. I like that Arkush cast B-movie vets Dick Miller, Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel in small roles. I also think it’s cool (but weird) that Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead provides the beeping voice of Philco. If not for these few not-bad points, Heartbeeps would be a complete waste. It’s not, but it could have (and should have) been much better than it is.
