Snake Eyes (2021) Paramount/Action-Adventure-Fantasy RT: 121 minutes Rated PG-13 (sequences of strong violence and brief strong language) Director: Robert Schwentke Screenplay: Evan Spiliotopoulos, Joe Shrapnel and Anna Waterhouse Music: Martin Todsharow Cinematography: Bojan Bazelli Release date: July 23, 2021 (US) Cast: Henry Golding, Andrew Koji, Haruka Abe, Takehiro Hira, Samara Weaving, Ursula Corbero, Iko Uwais, Peter Mensah, Eri Ishida, Steven Allerick, Samuel Finzi. Box Office: $28.3M (US)/$40.1M (World)
Rating: **
Although the movie Snake Eyes deals thematically with honor, betrayal and revenge, the character Snake Eyes is to Hamlet what Ronald McDonald is to Pagliacci. Good thing I didn’t go in expecting a Shakespearean tragedy. I doubt anybody with even half a brain will mistake it for the work of the Bard which is good since it’s clearly aimed at viewers with half a brain.
Snake Eyes (on-screen title, Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins) is a silly action movie tailor-made for mid-summer viewing by preteen boys of all ages and IQs not exceeding 90. Based on the line of toys from Hasbro that inspired a popular cartoon series in the 80s, it’s a reboot of the franchise started in 2009 with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and continued with 2013’s G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I didn’t care for either movie. I thought they were loud, stupid and incoherent. Snake Eyes isn’t much better. The good news is it isn’t any worse either.
Does it really make a difference what Snake Eyes is about? The plot leans heavily on the ninja movies of the 80s. I half-expected to hear the theme from Cannon’s Ninja Trilogy play over the soundtrack. If I had to guess the writers’ main source of inspiration, I’d have to go with the little-seen 1982 film The Challenge in which an American mercenary-for-hire infiltrates a samurai clan in order to steal a valuable sword. Swap the samurai for ninja and the sword for a magic gemstone and you’ve got Snake Eyes (more or less).
As per the title, Snake Eyes is an origin story of the title character, a popular member of the G.I. Joe Team. A prologue informs us that young Snake Eyes witnessed his father’s murder at the hands of a Russian baddie who makes all his targets roll a pair of dice to determine whether they live or die. Adapting the moniker Snake Eyes, the boys grows into an angry young man (Golding, Crazy Rich Asians) with vengeance on his mind all the time. He’s approached by Kenta (Hira, Lost Girls and Love Hotels) who offers to deliver his father’s killer if he infiltrates a Japanese ninja clan in order to steal a magic gemstone with unlimited powers that’s in their care. He gets his in after saving the life of Tommy (Koji, HBO Max’s Warrior), next in line to lead the clan. In order to gain their trust, he has to pass three tests, all of which could prove fatal if he fails. Naturally, the criminal organization Cobra is mixed up in it all.
For purposes of completion, I’ll quickly mention the other characters involved in the story. There’s Akiko (Abe, Cruella), head of security at the fortress-like mansion of Clan Arashikage. Although she doesn’t trust Snake Eyes, there’s something of an attraction between the two. The clan is headed by Tommy’s grandmother Sen (Ishida, Lost Girls and Love Hotels). Snake Eyes trains under two masters, Hard Master (Uwais, The Raid 1 & 2) and Blind Master (Mensah, Jason X). Also joining the fun are fighters from opposite sides, Cobra operative Baroness (Corbero, Money Heist) and Joe agent Scarlett (Weaving, Ready or Not). I think that about covers it.
By now, you all know I’m not shy about breaking out my poison pen when the occasion calls for it. I really thought Snake Eyes would be one of those times. To me, it looked like just another noisy summer blockbuster wannabe which it definitely is. Therein lies its biggest problem. It’s just another title on a growing list of movies that exist solely to sell toys and deafen audiences with loud, CGI-rendered fights and chases. It’s clearly the work of a hack director, in this case Robert Schwentke whose filmography includes such titles as RED, R.I.P.D and the last two Divergent films. He directs Snake Eyes with a state of indifference that comes through loud and clear. It’s surprisingly flat despite all the sound and fury (yes, signifying nothing).
Watching it, it dawned on me I was actively trying to hate Snake Eyes only to find I didn’t even care about it one way or the other. In all fairness, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Make no mistake, it’s bad alright. The camerawork is horrendous. The fight scenes are edited beyond comprehension. The CGI is awful, especially in the scenes involving giant snakes. Trust me, they have nothing on the giant snake in the original Conan the Barbarian. The story makes little sense. It’s also predictable. Surprisingly, the acting isn’t all terrible. Golding makes a pretty good leading man. Koji, on the other hand, looks like he’s sleepwalking most of the time. The rest of the performances range from campy to collecting a paycheck.
One of the movie’s biggest missteps is that it doesn’t embrace its own silliness. Nobody looks like they’re having any fun with the material. That shouldn’t be the case. Everybody involved knows you can only do so much with a movie like Snake Eyes. The main character is based on an action figure, for Heaven’s sake! The tone should be playful not somber as it is here. It occasionally enjoys itself like in an early scene where a bunch of yakuza goons stick about a dozen swords into a truck driven by the title character. It also has some nice locations- e.g. neon-lit streets and alleys in urban Tokyo, cherry blossom-filled courtyards at the fortress. Other than that, I can’t think of a single thing to recommend about Snake Eyes. I can’t think of a reason to condemn it either. Perhaps it’s best to fall back on a cliché and you know how much I hate those. It is what it is.
