Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022) Shudder/Horror RT: 87 minutes No MPAA rating (strong bloody violence and gore, pervasive language, sexual content, drug and alcohol use) Director: Joe Begos Screenplay: Joe Begos Music: Steve Moore Cinematography: Brian Sowell Release date: December 9, 2022 (US) Cast: Riley Dandy, Sam Delich, Jonah Ray, Dora Madison, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Abraham Benrubi, Jeremy Gardner, Graham Skipper, Kansas Bowling, Joe Begos, Josh Ethier, Elliott Gilbert, Adam Dietrich, Matt Mercer, Aerial Washington, Coen McClure. Box Office: $251,586 (US)
Rating: ***
With a title like Christmas Bloody Christmas, you know it’s not a feel-good holiday movie for the whole family, not unless it’s the family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I can say without hesitation that Christmas Bloody Christmas is the best movie about a killer robot Santa Claus I’ve ever seen. Never mind that it’s the only one I’ve ever seen. The robot Santa in this low-budget horror movie from writer-director Joe Begos (VFW) is creepier than the Tim Allen one in The Santa Clause 2. That one just wanted to send coal to all the children of the world, naughty or nice. This one slaughters everybody that crosses its path. He makes a bloody mess of it too. Yeah, this flick has some cool kill scenes.
I reckon the best way to describe Christmas Bloody Christmas is a demented mix of The Night Before Christmas, The Terminator, RoboCop, Assault on Precinct 13 and Silent Night, Deadly Night. In fact, Begos originally conceived it as a remake of the 1984 holiday slasher classic. It was turned down because it strayed too far from the original. Funny, that didn’t stop the awful 2019 remake of Black Christmas from being made. Anyway, Begos continued developing the idea and wrote the script during the COVID lockdown. It got made and PRESTO! A new holiday horror classic is born.
Okay, maybe “classic” is overstating it. Christmas Bloody Christmas is a good movie. It’s certainly fun. You know right away it’s going to be a completely bonkers 87 minutes. It opens with a bunch of bogus Christmas commercials for things like malt liquor for kids, THC-laced Christmas cookies and a death metal concert by Santa himself. The last one is an ad for a robot Santa. Originally designed as a military-grade weapon, it was modified to be a replacement for human mall Santas. The problem is faulty programming. They tend to malfunction with deadly results.
It’s Christmas Eve and all vintage record store owner Tori (Dandy, Things Will Be Different) wants is to get drunk and get laid. Her employee Robbie (Delich, Territory) wants the same. He talks Tori out of a random hook-up so they can hang together. They start off the night by visiting their friends at their toy store. They happen to have one of the defective Santas. Of course, it goes berserk while the couple is having sex. It then escapes and goes on a rampage through town. It sets its sights on Tori, but this girl’s a fighter. She’s not going down that easy.
Filmmakers with millions of dollars at their disposal will always go with CGI. Low-budget filmmakers don’t have that luxury. Wait, did I say luxury? That’s not right. Let me put it another way. They have the privilege of relying on good, old-fashioned practical effects. We’re talking actual makeup, prosthetics and fake blood. That was absolutely the right way to go with Christmas Bloody Christmas. The effects are the work of an outfit called Russell FX. They look great! The robot is played by an actual human actor, ER’s Abraham Benrubi. It’s one of those robots that never stop, not even when they’re stripped down to their endoskeleton. The kill scenes are nice and gory. One guy gets an axe through the skull from behind. Another gets it in the face. Somebody gets an axe claw in the eye. A man’s head is stomped to a bloody pulp. Nobody is safe here, not even the child enthusiastically opening presents. Sometimes it’s a little too dark to get a perfect view of the carnage, but I’ll still take it over computer-generated visuals any day.
What am I supposed to say about the acting in Christmas Bloody Christmas? It’s exactly what you’d expect. The actors scream real loud and run not quite fast enough. The final girl-to-be Tori is an interesting sort. She’s the perfect blend of bad ass and smart. She makes a good argument for the superiority of certain horror sequels, Pet Sematary Two in particular. Dandy does well in the role. I hope to see more of this actress in the future.
One thing I couldn’t help but notice is the amount of profanity used by the characters. Do young people really talk like that these days? There are more f-words in Christmas Bloody Christmas than any given Judd Apatow comedy. I’m not offended by swearing, but too much is too much. There are other words in the English language.
Okay, so Christmas Bloody Christmas is a goofy movie. I suppose that goes without saying. We’re not talking about a Fellini film here. It’s a killer robot Santa! I’ll grant that it’s amateurish most of the time, but not the bad kind of amateurish. It’s a pretty good looking film considering. The cinematography by Brian Bowell gives it a nightmarish quality. Rarely have Christmas lights and decorations looked as threatening as they do here. I’m actually impressed by how well Begos pulls it all off.
Sometimes you just have to lose all your inhibitions, suspend good taste and forget common sense altogether. It’s the best frame of mind in which to watch Christmas Bloody Christmas. Nobody in their right mind should enjoy such a film. Thankfully, I’m not in my right mind. I’m really not, my mother had me tested. Hey, I’m good with being a little crazy. Oh f*** it, I’m a lot crazy. That’s why I feel okay about recommending Christmas Bloody Christmas. Yes, it’s a holiday movie that belongs in insane asylums not cinemas. Those are the best kind! HO, HO, HO, SPLAT!!!
