Amityville 3-D (1983) Orion/Horror RT: 93 minutes Rated PG (violence, frightening scenes/images, language) Director: Richard Fleischer Screenplay: David Ambrose Music: Howard Blake Cinematography: Fred Schuler Release date: November 18, 1983 (US) Cast: Tony Roberts, Tess Harper, Robert Joy, Candy Clark, Lori Loughlin, John Harkins, Meg Ryan, Neill Barry, Pete Kowanko, John Beal, Leora Dana, Josefina Echanove. Box Office: $6.3M (US)
Rating: ½ *
Also known as Amityville 3 (on video) and Amityville: The Demon (on cable), Amityville 3-D is a stinker by any name. The second sequel to the hit 1979 fright flick The Amityville Horror has nothing to do with its predecessors. Other than a brief recap of the murders that took place in the infamous Amityville house years earlier, it’s nothing more than a bad cash-grab sequel made for no other purpose than to exploit the short-lived 3D craze of the early 80s much like Jaws 3-D earlier that year.
When I say Amityville 3-D is bad, I mean it sucks hard! It’s bad with or without the 3-D, but marginally worse without it. It’s equally unwatchable in either format. None of it makes any sense. Although it’s about a bunch of dumb characters searching for answers about the supernatural events associated with the house, the only real mystery is why such talented actors as Tony Roberts (Annie Hall), Tess Harper (Tender Mercies) and Candy Clark (American Graffiti) agreed to appear in such dreck.
PLOT? WHAT PLOT? The movie centers on investigative reporter John Baxter (Roberts), a skeptical type who’s made a career of debunking all sorts of paranormal phenomena. Along with his partner and pal Melanie (Clark), he shuts down a scam involving a fake medium operating out of the Amityville house. He then decides to buy the place after the real estate agent offers to sell it for a song. The recently divorced writer doesn’t believe any of the stories going around about the house. He just wants a quiet place to write the book he’s been meaning to write for a long time. The warnings of those around him, including bitter ex-wife Nancy (Harper), fall on deaf ears. The only one who supports him is teen daughter Susan (Loughlin, pre-Full House) who is forbidden from setting foot on the property by overprotective Mom. Predictably, all manner of strange stuff starts to happen while rational John continues to deny the presence of an evil supernatural entity.
Pop quiz, movie hot shots! What’s the worse sin a horror movie can commit? Answer, bore the audience to death by not being scary. Amityville 3-D isn’t the slightest bit scary, suspenseful, chilling or thrilling. Theoretically, it should be. Director Richard Fleischer (Soylent Green) literally throws all the expected horror clichés at the audience. Objects move on their own, the lights suddenly go out a few times, it gets freezing cold in the house, the bathroom faucets turn on by themselves, strange noises, teens play with a homemade Ouija board with fatal results and houseflies (a lot of them!). There’s a creepy old well in the basement that sometimes fills up with a glowing liquid. Then we have the “accidental” deaths that befall those dumb enough to cross the threshold. The real estate agent suffers a fatal heart attack after being attacked by flies. Somebody who discovers a terrifying secret about the house burns to death in a horrific car accident while racing to share the info. That’s actually the only good part. John himself has a close call with the Grim Reaper in a runaway elevator. NONE of it works, not even in 3-D.
Amityville 3-D is a terrible, horrible movie on every level imaginable as well as some that have yet to be discovered. Ordinarily, I would rate a movie this bad the dreaded “NO STARS!!!” rating. Instead, I’m giving it a half-star. The only reason I’m being this generous is because of the presence of future star Meg Ryan (When Harry Met Sally). She is the very definition of perky. I don’t know anybody who can describe a mass murder scenario that animatedly. Other than this description of the DeFeo murders, there’s a weird disconnect between Amityville 3-D and its predecessors. I’m not even sure if it’s the same house as the other movies.
Is it even necessary to get into the acting? Like I said at the start, it’s hard to believe actors like Roberts, Harper and Clark signed on for this. I can’t read minds, but I’m willing to bet Roberts was wishing he was back working with Woody Allen. You know what? Let’s just cut right to the chase. There are NO good performances in Amityville 3-D. Ryan shows the only sign of life amidst the dead-eyed cast who look like they’d rather be having root canal. It’s certainly less painful. There is nothing special about the effects, not even the 3-D. I like that a few things pop off the screen, but there’s a lot of dead time between such moments.
As for the writing, I don’t know what to say as there’s no evidence of an actual screenplay or script. Once the premise is established, writer David Ambrose simply checks off boxes while Fleischer points to where he wants his players. It continues like this until the tired finale where a team of paranormal experts set up shop in the house. By then, who gives a damn?
The experience of watching Amityville 3-D isn’t what I’d call a pleasurable one. I saw it at a Sunday afternoon matinee at the old City Line Theater with my friend JB and little brother. As I recall, none of us liked it. There’s more. If ever proof of my masochistic tendencies was needed, I went to see it again the following weekend on a double bill with Jaws 3-D. Why? I was 15, bored and too weird to hang out with the popular kids. Hey, it took care of what otherwise would have been a dull Sunday.
Not only is Amityville 3-D the second worst of the 3-D releases of the early 80s- the first is and always will be the abysmal Treasure of the Four Crowns- it’s the absolute nadir of the Amityville series. Although the last to be released theatrically*, it was followed by a crapload of direct-to-video sequels centering on objects from the house- e.g. grandfather clock, lamp and dollhouse. As expected, none of them are any good or even memorable. Even so, they’re not nearly as awful as Amityville 3-D, a frightless fright flick that wouldn’t scare even the most timid viewer. What’s there to be scared of, a large swarm of houseflies, a burned corpse, a fake looking demon……big freaking deal! There’s only so much you can do in a PG movie anyway. This movie is boring, incoherent and pointless. Clearly, the 3-D is meant to add an extra dimension to the terror. Perhaps the makers should have concentrated on giving ANY dimension to the story and characters instead. All combined, Amityville 3-D still adds up to a big, fat zero! It’s pure agony.
*= Two other Amityville titles- the 2005 remake and 2017’s Amityville: The Awakening- were released to theaters.
