The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021) Lionsgate/Comedy-Horror RT: 97 minutes Rated R (pervasive language, sexual content, brief nudity) Director: Deon Taylor Screenplay: Corey Harrell and Deon Taylor Music: Geoff Zanelli Cinematography: Dave Perkal Release date: June 11, 2021 (US) Cast: Mike Epps, Katt Williams, Bresha Webb, Zulay Henao, Lil Duval, Michael Blackson, Rick Ross, Alex Henderson, Andrew Bachelor, Gary Owen, Snoop Dogg, Tyrin Turner, Tony Todd, Milan Taylor, Johann Sebastian, Shamea Morton, Cory Zooman Miller, Black Mike, Sisse Marie, Tim Johnson Jr., Devale Ellis, Jess Marie Carr, Jena Frumes. Box Office: $2.8M (US)
Rating: NO STARS!!!
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?! That’s what I asked myself all through The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2. Why did they make a sequel to Meet the Blacks, easily the worst “comedy” of the past ten years? Why is it being shown in respectable theaters? Why am I wasting my time on it? I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s an even bigger piece of crap than its predecessor.
Should I even bother explaining the “plot” of The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2? Does it matter what it’s about? In my non-humble opinion, it’s about 97 minutes too long. Of course, that answer won’t cut it with some folks, so I’m left with the unpleasant task of reliving a horrible and horrific moviegoing experience. I hope you all appreciate what I do for you. Watching a movie this bad is tantamount to taking a bullet meant for somebody else. It’s actually more painful if you want to know the truth.
Set four years after the events of Meet the Blacks, we find Carl Black (Epps, Next Friday) living in his childhood home in Chicago with his family, wife Lorena (Henao, Takers), college-age daughter Allie (Webb, Night School), teen son Carls Jr. (Henderson, Creed) and cousin Cronut (Duval, Scary Movie V) who lives in an RV in the driveway. Now a published author, he’s having a hard time with his second book. His first book, about his surviving the purge in the first movie, wasn’t exactly a best seller. One celebrity describes it as the worst book he ever read. He gets no respect from his family either. Lorena is constantly on him about having to work to support the family while he can’t even be bothered to call a real estate agent about selling the house. Allie still goes around with her annoying boyfriend Freezee (Bachelor, Fifty Shades of Black) despite her father’s objections. Junior just ignores him.
Late one night, a new neighbor moves into….. you guessed it, the house next door. Carl and Cronut immediately sense something isn’t right about the new neighbor, Dr. Mamuwalde (Williams, Friday After Next). It isn’t normal to move in the middle of the night, right? And is that a coffin they’re carrying off the truck? Also, what’s up with the hot babes moon-bathing in the backyard? They figure him for a pimp, but it’s more than that. He’s also a vampire and has his sights set on Lorena, the reincarnation of his true love from a previous life. Oh, is that a PLOT SPOILER? It sure is and you’re welcome. Now you don’t have to waste your hard-earned money to learn this shocking bit of info.
In a way, The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 is something of a relief. Since I returned to the cinema a few weeks ago, I’ve been waiting for a truly heinous movie to rear its ugly head. Well, it finally happened and I’m glad. Now I know I’m back! Let me tell you, it doesn’t get any worse than The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2. God, I hope not. This movie is all-caps BAD in big bronze letters. Like the original, it commits the worst sin a so-called comedy can. It’s NOT funny. Not for a minute, not for a second, not for a millisecond, not even by accident. It is 100% laugh-free. Only a complete, card-carrying idiot would find anything funny about it. Sadly, there were at least two in attendance at the Saturday afternoon showing I went to. That’s one thing I didn’t miss about my sabbatical from the multiplex. Thank God stupidity isn’t catching.
Need I bother discussing the lousy performances, bad writing or uninspired directing? It’s an embarrassment to all involved, even Machete himself (Danny Trejo) as a neighbor who knows a thing or two about vampires. Even a quick cameo by Tony Todd (aka Candyman) does nothing to make it better. It’s all bad even for a low-budget spoof of…. I’m not sure what. Returning director Deon references Fright Night, The Burbs, Bram Stoker’s Dracula and other movies, but he doesn’t seem to have a specific target in mind. The only thing he really accomplishes is reinforcing every negative black stereotype with annoying characters like nerdy, neighborhood watch guy Rico (Turner, Menace II Society) who patrols the block on a tricycle. For the purposes of equal representation, there’s also an extremely racist white neighbor (Owen, Think Like a Man 1 & 2) with a hot, sexy wife (Frumes) for Cronut to ogle. BTW, Cronut is thoroughly obnoxious.
The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 is less a movie than a minstrel show performed by black actors. That’s not all. If this was the first movie shown to aliens from another planet, they’d think the English language consists only of the f-word and the n-word. Neither word is funny the first time let alone the 1001st time.
I see no need to drag out my review of The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2. I HATED IT! I hated it with every fiber of my being. It’s humorless, crass, shrill, moronic and absolutely offensive. I sat there gritting my teeth through most of it. I know what possessed me to see it; I’m not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself for succumbing to temptation. I certainly hope I can resist the third Meet the Blacks movie promised in a mid-credits bonus scene. Did I say promised? It’s more like a terroristic threat. Excuse while I report it to the FBI.
