Love Hurts (2025) Universal/Action-Comedy RT: 83 minutes Rated R (strong/bloody violence, language throughout) Director: Jonathan Eusebio Screenplay: Matthew Murray, Josh Stoddard and Luke Passmore Music: Dominic Lewis Cinematography: Bridger Nielson Release date: February 7, 2025 (US) Cast: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Mustafa Shakir, Lio Tipton, Daniel Wu, Cam Gigandet, Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch, Andre Eriksen, Rhys Darby, Sean Astin, Drew Scott, Stephanie Sy, Adam Hurtig, Liam Stewart-Kanigan, Yoko Hamamura.
Rating: * ½
Love isn’t the only thing that hurts in Love Hurts, an unfunny, unexciting and unromantic attempt at an action rom-com that somehow miraculously manages to be both tepid and catastrophic at the same time. It takes a special kind of talent to pull off such a feat. The credit belongs to Jonathan Eusebio, a stunt and fight coordinator whose resume includes The Fall Guy, Violent Night, Deadpool 2, Black Panther and the first three John Wick films. This is first time in the director’s chair and it couldn’t have gone more wrong. Judging by the tonal confusion and sloppy editing, nobody was there to help him steer this vehicle. It veers and careens all over the place until finally stalling out completely.
What’s worse, Eusebio takes two recent Oscar winners, Ke Huy Quan (Everything Everywhere All at Once) and Ariana DeBose (West Side Story), and leaves them stranded in the middle of all the mess. Quan plays Marvin Gable, a successful real estate agent who’s always “on”. He’s a relentlessly upbeat sort who bakes pink, heart-shaped cookies for clients and lives by the slogan “I want a home for you.” He loves this life. It sure beats his old one.
At one time, Marvin was a hitman for a gang run by his brother Knuckles (Wu, American Born Chinese). He left after deliberately failing to carry out his last assignment, killing the lawyer Rose (DeBose) who allegedly stole money from Knuckles. Marvin had a thing for her and let her go free. That’s when he decided to leave that life behind and start over.
Predictably, Marvin’s past comes back to bite him in the ass. It starts when he receives an anonymous valentine with a simple message, “Hiding isn’t living.” Minutes later, knife-happy hitman Raven (Shakir, Cowboy Bebop) shows up in his office and demands to know where Rose is. The two men fight. Marvin bests him and gets away. He goes home to collect a few things only to be challenged by two other hired killers, King (Seattle Seahawks running back Lynch) and Otis (Eriksen, Violent Night). They fight. Then Rose shows up and saves his ass. She’s the one who sent the valentine. She also sent one to Knuckles. She has a plan to…. oh, who cares?
Love Hurts isn’t a bad movie per se. It’s a mediocre movie that’s badly made. I didn’t mind watching it even though I was constantly frustrated by it. Take the fight scenes. There are several. Not a one of them is memorable. If you’ll excuse the phrasing, they lack punch. Instead, they’re the cinematic equivalent of running in place. There’s plenty of movement, but no momentum. That’s a hell of a thing when you consider the guy responsible coordinates fights for a living. How did Eusebio botch it this badly? That’s the real mystery at the center of Love Hurts.
Quan and DeBose have zero chemistry. It’s less than zero, in fact. I never once, even for a nanosecond, believed they could be a couple. Their scenes together feel forced, especially on her part. What happened to DeBose? She started off strong in West Side Story, but went downhill after that with half-baked roles in Argylle and Kraven the Hunter. She doesn’t even appear to be trying in Love Hurts. Her heart is far from in it. It’s a disappointing performance. It probably would have worked if she really leaned into the femme fatale aspect. Instead, she basically just shows up and puts in a day’s work. So disappointing, she’s better than that or so I thought.
Quan, on the other hand, puts his whole self into the role. He’s completely convincing as the impossibly happy real estate guy who always has encouraging words at the ready for those who need it. However, I don’t think there’s a world where he’s even a little bit believable as a hitman. There’s nothing remotely threatening about him. Maybe that’s the point? Here’s my take on the character. It seems like Quan is trying to channel Jackie Chan here. Love Hurts plays like a script that was offered to and rejected by Chan in the 90s. If that is indeed the case, he made the right choice passing on it.
To be fair, Love Hurts isn’t all terrible. It has a few small things going for it. Lio Tipton (The Edge of Sleep) all but steals the show as Marvin’s morose assistant Ashley. She makes Debbie Downey look upbeat by comparison. In a way underwritten subplot, she finds love with Raven after reading some of his poetry. Heck, their story would have made a better main plot than the one we’re saddled with. Love Hurts, in addition to everything else, is sort of a mini Goonies reunion. Sean Astin shows up in a few scenes as Marvin’s good-natured boss. It’s a shame he isn’t a bigger part of things.
The other good thing about Love Hurts is that it’s short. It runs a scant 83 minutes, yet still feels dragged out. You can only get so much mileage out of the one joke the movie’s founded on. And the joke isn’t even all that funny the first time. It’s mildly amusing at best. Love Hurts fails on so many levels, it’s a wonder it got a theatrical release. It’s one big boo-boo.
