My Bloody Valentine (1981) Paramount/Horror RT: 93 minutes Unrated Version (strong graphic violence and gore, language, mild sexual content, alcohol use) Director: George Mihalka Screenplay: John Beaird Music: Paul Zaza Cinematography: Rodney Gibbons Release date: February 11, 1981 (US) Starring: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Alf Humphreys, Cynthia Dale, Helene Udy, Rob Stein, Tom Kovacs, Terry Waterland, Carl Marotte, Jim Murchison, Gina Dick, Peter Cowper, Don Francks, Patricia Hamilton, Larry Reynolds, Jack Van Evera. Box Office: $5.7M (US)
Rating: *** ½
One of the countless holiday-themed slasher flicks that followed in the wake of Halloween and Friday the 13th (Mother’s Day, New Year’s Evil), My Bloody Valentine adds a whole new meaning to the notion of giving your heart to somebody else on that special day in the middle of February. How about ripping out somebody’s heart and placing it in a heart-shaped candy box? That’s the killer’s MO in this decent Canadian production about a masked psycho with a pickaxe and a grudge against the people of Valentine’s Bluff, a small mining town where the local radio station’s call letters are KPID (Kupid, get it?).
The story begins on Valentine’s Day 1960 when an explosion at the coal mine traps five miners in a shaft while the two foremen attend the yearly Valentine’s Day dance. Six weeks later, the sole survivor of the accident, Harry Warden, is pulled from the mine. He survived by eating the bodies of his dead co-workers. The ordeal left him insane. One year later, he escapes from a mental institution and kills the foremen he holds responsible for everything. He cuts out their hearts and places them into heart-shaped candy boxes with a warning to the town to never hold another Valentine’s Day celebration.
Twenty years later, as the people of Valentine’s Bluff prepare to hold the first Valentine’s Day dance since that terrible night, a murderous maniac decked out in mining gear shows up and starts killing off people in a familiar way. A couple of victims later, the town mayor (Reynolds, Virus) and police chief (Francks, The Big Town) call off the dance. A group of young people (NOT teens!) decide to hold their own party (at the mine, no less!) despite orders to the contrary. They ignore the warnings of the local bartender Happy (Evera, The Incubus), this town’s version of Crazy Ralph from Friday the 13th 1 & 2. He does everything but say “YOU’RE DOOMED! YOU’RE ALL DOOMED!” Anyway, guess who shows up to the party without an invitation?
There’s drama aplenty among this group of young folks who aren’t very bright. T.J. (Kelman, Gas) is the opposite of a local success story. He’s back in town after failing to make it on his own on the West Coast. In his absence, his girlfriend Sarah (Hallier, Higher Education) took up with Axel (Affleck, Scanners), a friend-turned-rival who’s also one of his bosses at the mine. He’s still in love with Sarah and tries to win her back despite Axel’s warnings to back off. Naturally, this situation will reach its boiling point at the party. A brewing fight and a homicidal maniac, it looks like it’s gonna be one hell of a party!
Meanwhile, the chief keeps a close eye on the town while trying to determine Harry’s whereabouts. The mental institution he was committed to has no record of him ever being there. If he’s not there, where is he? He has he come home to fulfil the promise he made two decades earlier?
No big surprise, My Bloody Valentine ran into problems with the MPAA when they slapped it with an X for its graphic violence. Director George Mihalka (Pick-Up Summer) was forced to tone it down in order to receive an R. For years, Paramount claimed the excised footage didn’t exist. It wasn’t found until Lionsgate acquired the rights to the film. They found an uncensored copy, restored it and released it on DVD with the gory scenes intact. It’s only three minutes, but it makes all the difference in the world. These are some really cool kill scenes!
As is customary in my reviews, I will give you a rundown of the movie’s gory highlights. A woman gets impaled on a pickaxe while making out in the mine with a guy in a mining suit. Another woman’s scalded body is found in a dryer (with the heart missing). A man gets it under the chin with a pickaxe and the point gouges out one of his eyes. One victim is impaled on a shower pipe. Another gets it in the gut with a pickaxe. Somebody gets shot twice in the head with a nail gun. A couple is impaled by a large drill bit. A guy is hung from a ladder; after which, his body separates from his head. Then you’ve got the bloodied hearts in candy boxes. We can’t forget that. Yeah, this one’s a real bloodbath.
It’s time for a small reality check. Slasher movies have NEVER been a showcase for acting. A lot of these people can’t act which isn’t a problem because all that’s really required of them is to scream loud and die convincingly. My Bloody Valentine is no different. I like the actors and their characters, but we’re not looking at any future Oscar winners here. There are a few familiar faces in the bunch like the late Keith Knight who played fat slob “Fink” in Meatballs (1979) and gang member “Barnyard” in Class of 1984 (1982) and Cynthia Dale who played the lead in the Canadian-made Flashdance knock-off Heavenly Bodies (1985). The late Alf Humphreys had roles in Funeral Home (1980), Gas (1981), If You Could See What I Hear (1982), First Blood (1982) and Bedroom Eyes (1984).
The screenplay by John Beaird (uncredited co-writer of Happy Birthday to Me) doesn’t stray an inch from formula. It’s a slasher flick with all the expected stock characters, none of whom appear to have IQs that exceed double-digits. How dumb do you have to be to take a trip into a dark mine while there’s a killer on the loose? My Bloody Valentine also comes with the obligatory dippy dialogue of which I’ll give you a few samples:
Happy: “Beware of having a party at all on Saturday night! You may not live to see daylight!”
The Mayor: “It can’t be happening again. It can’t be happening again.”
And this dramatic exchange:
T.J.: “Look, give me a chance! If you still want me to go away, I will. But I have to tell you that I love you and want you back!”
Sarah: “How was I supposed to know that, Jessie? I honestly didn’t think you were ever coming back! You just left me here.”
But my personal favorite is when somebody makes this brilliant suggestion: “Why don’t we go down to the mine?” No points for intelligence here, but these movies always operate on the principle that every character is a complete idiot and will always do the dumbest thing possible in any given situation. Then again, if they weren’t idiots, we wouldn’t have victims and the movie would be over in 10 minutes. As a gorehound and a lover of slasher flicks, I accept the conventions of the genre and enjoy each movie on its own goofy terms.
I like My Bloody Valentine a lot. It’s one of the better slashers of the 80s. On a personal note, it’s the very first movie I rented on video when I got my first VCR back in December 1984. I got a free rental when I signed up at The Video Den. After poring over all the great horror titles I missed at the cinema, I chose My Bloody Valentine. When both my dad and the store proprietor said “ECH!” in response, I knew I made the right choice. Now that I’ve seen it in all its uncut glory, I stand by my love for this trashy splatter movie.
