Valentine (2001) Warner Bros./Horror RT: 96 minutes Rated R (strong horror violence, some sexuality and language) Director: Jamie Blanks Screenplay: Gretchen J. Berg, Aaron Harberts, Donna Powers and Wayne Powers Music: Don Davis Cinematography: Rick Bota Release date: February 2, 2001 (US) Cast: Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Katherine Heigl, Hedy Buress, Fulvio Cecere, Daniel Cosgrove, Johnny Whitworth, Adam Harrington, Woody Jeffreys, Claude Duhamel, Wyatt Page, Benita Ha, Joel Palmer, Chelcie Burgart, Brittany Mayers, Kate Logie, Sarah Mjanes, Chelsea Florko. Box Office: $20.3M (US)/$36.6M (World)
Rating: **
The slasher movie Valentine is cut from the same cloth as Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer and Urban Legend. It’s an updated version of an 80s slasher with a cast of impossibly attractive young actors of questionable talent, some of whom you might recognize from the teen dramas that aired on the CW or WB networks in that time frame- i.e. late 90s/early 00s. This one features David Boreanaz from Angel, Katherine Heigl from Roswell and Daniel Cosgrove from Beverly Hills 90210. They play potential victims of the killer, a psycho in a Cupid mask terrorizing a group of mean girls and their boyfriends.
The killing spree has something to do with something that happened when they were in junior high circa 1988. There was this awkward, dorky boy named Jeremy Melton who was bullied relentlessly. At a school dance, the girls rudely reject him when he asks them to dance. One of them falsely accuses him of sexually assaulting her. He’s humiliated by a group of boys before being expelled and sent to reform school. He’s never heard from again until….
Flash forward to present day 2001. The girls in question- Paige (Richards, Wild Things), Kate (Shelton, Never Been Kissed), Shelley (Heigl, Bride of Chucky), Lily (Cauffiel, Legally Blonde) and Dorothy (Capshaw, The Practice)- are still friends. Four of them gather for the funeral when the other becomes the first victim of the killer. They realize they could be next when some of them receive threatening Valentine cards signed “JM”. It takes them a minute to put it together. They don’t realize how truly screwed they are until Dorothy admits she lied about Jeremy assaulting her. She ruined his life to avoid the embarrassment of willingly making out with the boy everybody called “Pervert”. It’s no wonder he’s pissed off.
On top of dealing with their imminent demise at the hands of a psycho, the girls have their share of romantic woes. Kate’s journalist boyfriend Adam (Boreanaz) is a recovering alcoholic. She still loves him, but she’s afraid he might relapse. Lily is dating Max (Whitworth, Empire Records), an artist who suggests trying a threesome much to her disgust. Rich girl Dorothy is involved with a con artist named Campbell (Cosgrove, Van Wilder) who convinces her to let him move into her mansion while he sorts out some financial issues. Paige is the slutty one. Shelley has a disastrous date with a creep named Jason Marquette (Harrington, House of the Dead). Initials JM; hmmm, I wonder?
I hate to say it as I feel like I’m betraying a genre I love, but I don’t love Valentine. In fact, I don’t even like it all that much. It’s okay, but it’s lacking in many areas. For one thing, I don’t like any of the characters. They’re all so vapid and superficial. Slasher movies aren’t generally known for having deep or developed characters, but at least the teens/victims-to-be in the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies are a likable collection of one-dimensional horny idiots. They’re depicted so cartoonishly, you don’t see them as people so much as lambs lined up for the slaughter. The young people (NOT teens!) in Valentine just suck. The only likable one in the bunch is Kate and she’s as vapid as the rest of her friends.
Acting is not a priority in slashers, but the performances in Valentine are especially terrible. Bottom honors go to Denise Richards. She can’t act at all. She could easily be replaced by a department store mannequin in any of her movies and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. They’re both equally plastic. I’ll make it easy. There are NO good performances and NO memorable characters in Valentine, not even the person who turns out to be the killer.
What really annoys me about Valentine is the lack of gore. When a movie bills itself as a slasher, there’s a certain amount of expectation. There must be blood and splatter. Where the hell is it? Director Jamie Blanks (Urban Legend) really drops the ball in that area. There aren’t any great kill scenes either. Only one victim dies by arrows (as in Cupid). The hot tub murder is okay. The rest is standard issue stuff. Valentine isn’t made for true horror fans; it’s made for teens who don’t fully appreciate the genre and all its nuances. It’s a freaking date movie! That’s NOT what a horror film is supposed to be.
Valentine absolutely fails as a horror movie. It lacks scares and suspense. It’s actually rather boring. It doesn’t even pick up in the climax where the final girl finally unmasks the killer and reveals his/her identity to the audience. I won’t give it away, but I’ll say two things: (1) it comes with a final twist and (2) it’s so arbitrary, it doesn’t even matter.
It would be unfair to say I hated Valentine. I didn’t, not exactly. It’s really no better or worse than any of the weaker neo-slashers of the post-Scream years. It’s okay, but completely forgettable. It’ll satisfy teens who live on a steady diet of stupid teen dramas. True horror fans are advised to rewatch the original 1981 My Bloody Valentine instead. It’s a lot better and a lot gorier, especially the uncut version. HARRY WARDEN FOREVER!
