Best Defense (1984)    Paramount/Comedy    RT: 94 minutes    Rated R (language, violence, nudity, sexual content, alcohol use)    Director: Willard Huyck    Screenplay: Gloria Katz and Willard Huyck    Music: Patrick Williams    Cinematography: Donald Peterman    Release date: July 20, 1984 (US)    Starring: Dudley Moore, Eddie Murphy, Kate Capshaw, David Rasche, George Dzundza, Helen Shaver, Mark Arnott, Peter Michael Gotez, Tom Noonan, Matthew Laurance, Christopher Maher.    Box Office: $19.2M (US)

Rating: * ½

 The key to understanding Best Defense is to note that Eddie Murphy is billed as a “Strategic Guest Star” on the poster. Even though he receives second billing behind Dudley Moore, he’s only on screen for about 12 minutes. Not only that, he NEVER appears in a single scene with Moore or any other member of the lead cast. Why? The advance screening for this movie went so poorly that Paramount quickly shot and edited in Murphy’s scenes. They figured that people would show up if they thought Best Defense was an Eddie Murphy movie. Talk about the old bait and switch.

 Murphy was a hot property at the time with hits like 48 Hrs. and Trading Places under his belt. Audiences went into Best Defense expecting a hilarious Eddie Murphy comedy; instead, they got an excruciatingly bad Dudley Moore movie. It’s not that Moore himself isn’t funny; he turned in great performances in 10, Arthur and Unfaithfully Yours (I also liked Lovesick). The problem is that Moore isn’t funny in this movie. In fact, he made a lot of bad movie choices throughout his career like Wholly Moses, Romantic Comedy, Micki & Maude, Like Father, Like Son and Blame It on the Bellboy. Best Defense ranks just one step away from the very bottom of the list (Wholly Moses is the worst!).

 In 1982, inept engineer Wylie Cooper (Moore) is attempting to develop a surface-to-air missile guidance system for a brand new super-tank. The problem is that a part called the “dip-gyro” doesn’t work; it causes something called the WAM to overheat. His failure to make this part work properly is pushing the company (Dynatechnics, Inc.) to the brink of bankruptcy. Everybody hates him, especially his shrewish but hot supervisor Clair (Shaver, The Color of Money). He gets no respect at home either. His bitchy wife Laura (Capshaw, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) doesn’t even want to have sex with him.

 One night, Wylie encounters a very strange man (Noonan, Manhunter) at a bar who’s going on about all sorts of wild conspiracy theories. When he isn’t looking, the man slips a computer disc in his briefcase. The disc contains schematics for a working dip-gyro. One of his colleagues sees it and assumes that Wylie finally fixed the problem with the part. He reluctantly takes credit for the other guy’s work and becomes everybody’s hero.

 Of course, this leads to a whole bunch of new problems like the psychotic international spy (Rasche, Sledge Hammer) who wants to get his hands on the dip-gyro in the worst way. Also, it turns out that the part might not work as well as everybody thought it did. If Wylie doesn’t correct the problem in time, it could have dire consequences for whoever is operating the super-tank. That’s where Murphy comes into the picture. His character, Lt. Landry, is the tank commander taking the vehicle for its first test run in Kuwait in 1984. The test is not going well at all; the tank is literally falling apart. Then, Landry and his two-man crew find themselves in a real battle situation as they must rescue some American soldiers. Will the missile guidance system work or not? That’s the big question.

 I have conflicting feelings about Best Defense. Overall, it’s a really bad movie, but it’s not completely without laughs. It’s funny when Murphy is on screen; the rest of it sucks big time. It breaks down like this, Murphy’s scenes are scattered throughout the beginning and the end of the picture. He’s absent for a long stretch of the movie and that’s when it’s at its worst. It’s the cinematic equivalent of Waiting for Godot (Waiting for Eddie? Hmmm….). It’s solid proof that Murphy used to be funny. If he can keep this dreadful movie from earning a deserved “NO STARS!!!” rating from Movie Guy 24/7, then he must have some talent. Thankfully, he redeemed himself with Beverly Hills Cop the following December.

 Let me make something perfectly clear. Murphy is funny, the movie is NOT! Huyck’s attempts at comedy come off as heavy-handed and clumsy. He’s the same guy who directed the infamous 1986 bomb Howard the Duck (one of my top guilty pleasures!). Between these two titles, it’s easy to understand why he’s never directed another movie. It would be box office suicide on the part of the producers. Thankfully, Huyck had the good sense to just sit back and let Murphy do what he does best. He did one thing right.

 Unfortunately, the rest of the cast does a very poor job. Rasche turns in an extremely embarrassing performance as the whacked-out and violent spy. There are also an alarming number of offensive stereotypes in Best Defense; the Arabs get the worst of it. There’s also a trio of Latin Americans that nearly destroy an FBI sting operation and get Wylie killed.

 I didn’t see Best Defense at the movies. It looks like I made a wise choice there. I split the cost of the video rental with my younger brother in January ’85 and still felt robbed. I think Eddie and everybody else involved in the making of this fiasco would prefer to forget it ever happened. I’m certain that anybody who has ever watched it feels the exact same way.