Skyscraper (1996)    PM Entertainment Group/Action    RT: 96 minutes    Rated R (strong action violence, sex scenes, nudity, language)    Director: Raymond Martino    Screenplay: William Applegate Jr. and Joseph John Barmettler    Music: Jim Halfpenny    Cinematography: Frank Harris    Release date: July 24, 1996 (US)    Cast: Anna Nicole Smith, Richard Steinmetz, Branko Cikatic, Calvin Levels, Jonathan Fuller, Lee de Broux, Deirdre Imershein, Charles Huber, Deron McBee, Vincent DePalma, Alan Brooks, Gary Imhoff, Bob McCracken, Eugene Robert Glazer, Seth Isler, Michael Chinyamurindi, Clay Banks, Robert Kerbeck, Tina Arning, Paul Eiding, Michael Spound, Jefferson Wagner, Floyd Levine, Randall England, Christopher Boyer, Daniel Wayne Smith.    Box Office: N/A

Rating: *** ½

 For many, the mention of an action movie named Skyscraper brings to mind the 2018 Dwayne Johnson vehicle. Mention it to me and my mind immediately goes to the direct-to-video cheapie starring Anna Nicole Smith, Playboy’s 1993 Playmate of the Year. The generously endowed, baby-voiced model/non-actress assumes action heroine mode in this goofy Die Hard knock-off that’s infinitely more entertaining than the last installment of the series, the one where Bruce Willis goes to Russia. It was just lazy. That’s something you can’t say about Skyscraper. It’s full of action, excitement, thrills and unintentional laughs. If anything, it works overtime in its efforts to entertain.

 You must think I’m nuts awarding something like Skyscraper three and a half stars. I am, but that’s a story for another time that will never come. The reason it gets such a high rating is because it’s so gloriously, uproariously bad. From Smith’s laughable attempts at acting to the script that has to be cribbed from the outline for Die Hard, it’s the kind of film you watch with a big dopey smile. Surely the makers can’t be serious, can they? I think they are, but it’s hard to tell. Uh huh, it’s that kind of movie.

 Smith plays a heli-taxi pilot named Carrie Wink. She provides airborne transport to high-end clients. It’s a hell of a lot easier than trying to maneuver through L.A. ground traffic, I guess. In the opening, she drops a couple of shady-looking guys off on a helipad on the roof of a skyscraper. They’re on their way to meet with government agents in an alleyway. It’s a routine exchange, a briefcase filled with money for some electronic doodad that could “affect the balance of power on the planet”. Suddenly, they’re ambushed by a third party who also wants the doodad. Did nobody notice the black-clad guy climbing down the fire escape with a rocket launcher? All hell breaks loose. People get shot with automatic weapons and cars get blown up including the one that tries to get away by crashing through a Bud Dry truck in reverse. One guy emerges from the fiery wreckage and heads straight for a rooftop with the doodad in his possession. He’s confronted by the film’s main villain Fairfax (Huber, Enemy Mine) who quotes Shakespeare before shooting him off the ledge and relieving him of the hotly desired gadget. WOW! What a way to start!

 Skyscraper then traverses into Skinemax territory with Carrie taking a long hot shower in her apartment. LOL! The movie wastes no time in allowing Smith to display her two best assets. Her husband Gordon (Steinmetz, Liquid Dreams), a detective with the LAPD, joins her. They end up in bed for a love-making session more befitting a softcore film than an action flick. Then they have a conversation in which a pouty Carrie expresses her desire to procreate. He’s against it due to their conflicting work schedules. Understandably upset (all but stamping her foot), she says, “Well, excuse me for still believing in Sunday walks in the park, and little babies!” The argument is cut short when Gordon receives word (via a pager) to report to the scene of the alley battle.

 Here’s the deal. This guy Fairfax is attempting to collect four parts of some device that could cause some major damage in the wrong hands, those wrong hands belonging to Fairfax. He manages to get two and three at the low, low cost of a few lives (i.e. security guards and a scumbag seller). For the fourth and final component, he has to go to the Zitex building in downtown L.A. Carrie happens to be his ride for the day. She takes him and his colleague/computer hacker Jacques (Fuller, Bloodfist VI) to Zitex. That’s when the proverbial s*** hits the fan.

 For reasons I don’t fully understand, Fairfax has a team of terrorists take over the building while he conducts what’s supposed to be the final transaction. It, of course, goes south. There’s a shootout during which the seller (Glazer, Intruder) escapes with the part. He runs into Carrie who came in to use the phone. The terrorists aren’t far behind. She gets him to the roof where he tells her to take the briefcase and hide it. Fairfax, after finishing off the guy, sends his men to retrieve his purloined property. When one of them corners her, she goes into John McClane mode. She jumps onto a scaffold where she rigs herself with window washer cable before jumping again. While swinging through the air, she kicks in a window and gets inside detaching herself just seconds before the heavy winch nearly pulls her out.

 Meanwhile, Gordon and his partner Jimmy (Dial, L.A. Heat) are called to the scene of the second “transaction”. While trying to apprehend the baddies, one of them (Levels, Adventures in Babysitting) fires a rocket at their car sending Jimmy to his fiery death (“JIMMY!!!!!”). Now Gordon is driven by revenge.

 Back at Zitex, Carrie tries to avoid being captured by the terrorists while also looking for a way to end the siege. She might be a dumb blonde, but she’s not helpless. She was raised in Texas which means she knows how to use a gun. We learn this bit of info in a flashback depicting Gordon attempting to teach her how to shoot only to find out…. well, you know. This is followed by another love-making session which is really just an excuse for Smith to show off her assets again. I’m sorry, but I have to say it. DAMN, THEY’RE HUGE!!!

 Against my better judgment, I thoroughly enjoyed Skyscraper, a production of PM Entertainment Group, a big name in DTV entertainment. Their distinguished list of credits includes such gems as L.A. Heat (1989), The Art of Dying (1991), Quiet Fire (1991), Ring of Fire (1991), Final Impact (1992), CIA Code Name Alexa (1992), Alien Intruder (1993) and To the Limit (1995) also starring Smith. I haven’t seen too many of their titles, but I aim to rectify that this year. I saw Skyscraper once before in ’97, but it didn’t leave any lasting impression. I decided to give it a rewatch after watching the latest Die Hard rip-off, the British actioner Cleaner with Daisy Ridley. What a cool double feature!

 It goes without saying that Smith can’t act to save her life. She’s all looks and no talent. She’s not at all convincing as an action heroine. Her hand-to-hand fight with Fairfax in the climax is obviously faked with all the clumsy choreography. It’s in moments like this that Skyscraper veers into unintentional comedic territory. To be fair, ALL of the acting is bad. It’s only fitting since the dialogue is so incredibly dumb. At one point, the architect of the building says, “I designed this building to withstand paramilitary attacks.” Was that even a thing pre-9/11? I guess so.

 The cast also includes Deirdre Imershein (Blackbelt) and kickboxer Branko Cikatic as two of Fairfax’s thugs. She figures into the film’s most improbable scene, an incredible feat seeing that Skyscraper is completely made up of them. She walks into the police station where a potential witness is being held, shoots him in the interrogation room and walks out just as easily. WTF? Are these cops really that incompetent? Speaking of the cops, Gordon’s CO is played by Lee de Broux who also played the mob boss at the cocaine factory raid in RoboCop (1987).

 Adding intentional comic relief (I think) is Gary Imhoff (The Seniors) as a bespectacled security guard named Dudley. His co-workers kiddingly refer to him as “Dudley Do-Right”. He’s a bumbling sort who fancies himself a Dirty Harry-type hero. He plays with his gun and practices tough guy dialogue. What are the chances he gets to display heroism at the end? BTW, the boy seen riding a Big Wheel through the halls like the kid from The Shining is Smith’s son Daniel. That explains why her character is so protective of him. It’s the only convincing thing she does in the movie.

 Directed by Raymond Martino (Da Vinci’s War), Skyscraper is best watched with your brain in the OFF position. It’s dumb, stupid and idiotic. It’s also a lot of fun as long as you understand what you’re signing on for. It’s a low-rent Die Hard clone and knows it. It leans right into the ridiculousness of it all and never lets up. Plus, you get to see Anna Nicole Smith’s naked boobs. It might be the only time a DTV movie should get the widescreen treatment.