Anaconda (1997) Columbia/Action-Adventure-Horror RT: 89 minutes Rated PG-13 (intense adventure violence, brief language and sensuality) Director: Luis Llosa Screenplay: Hans Bauer, Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Music: Randy Edelman Cinematography: Bill Butler Release date: April 11, 1997 (US) Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde, Owen Wilson, Kari Wuhrer, Vincent Castellanos, Danny Trejo. Box Office: $65.8M (US)/$136.8M (World)
Rating: ***
“Sometimes you gotta say what the f***.”
This famous line from the 1983 teen comedy Risky Business applies perfectly to the 1997 giant snake thriller Anaconda. You know going in it’s going to be ridiculous. It’s a total rip-off of Jaws. They made a lot of those in the wake of Steven Spielberg’s 1975 blockbuster hit. So what if it slithered into cinemas more than 20 years after the fact? You can’t NOT know the original source. ANYWAY, it’s one of those dopey movies you have to take on its own terms. You have to be Miles (the character from Risky Business who coined the phrase) if you want to enjoy it even a little. If you go in expecting a quality film, you’re going to be greatly disappointed.
The plot of Anaconda is no great snakes…. I mean, shakes. It’s simplicity at its simplest. A group of filmmakers goes to the Amazon rainforest to make a documentary about a lost tribe only to be terrorized by a giant anaconda snake. The group consists of director Terri Flores (Lopez, Selena), cameraman Danny Rich (Cube, Friday), British narrator Warren Westridge (Hyde, Jumanji), sound engineer Gary Dixon (Wilson, Zoolander), production manager and Gary’s girlfriend Denise Kalberg (Wuhrer, Beastmaster 2), anthropologist Professor Cale (Stoltz, Pulp Fiction) and boat captain Mateo (Castellanos, The Crow: City of Angels).
They don’t realize the depth of the s*** they’re about to step into when they encounter Paul Serone (Voight, Coming Home), a Paraguayan snake hunter who claims he can help them find the tribe they’re looking for. Yeah, that’s BS and you know it. He has other plans for the crew. Namely, he plans to use them to help him capture the giant green anaconda he’s been tracking. Predictably, their numbers dwindle as they go deeper into the jungle and even deeper into deep s***.
I didn’t how strong a cult following Anaconda has until I saw the trailer for the recent comic reboot starring Paul Rudd and Jack Black. To tell the truth, I didn’t give it a lot of thought. The last time I watched the original was when it premiered on cable in spring 1998. Of course, I saw it at the cinema the year before. At the time, I wasn’t impressed with it. While I appreciated its inherent badness, I couldn’t get past the really bad CGI. It’s HORRIBLE! Real snakes do NOT slither that fast. It took me right out of the movie. The makers should have stuck with practical effects. The animatronic snake, used in the attack scenes, looks great. It’s right up there with the giant gator in Alligator (1980).
I didn’t mind that Anaconda was little more than a dumb Jaws knock-off with a budget. I didn’t mind the terrible acting either. I actually got a good laugh out of Voight’s horrendous attempt at a South American accent. He sounds like a poor man’s Al Pacino from Scarface. The bit where the snake regurgitates him after swallowing him is an unintentional comic highlight. Love that wink! He gives the best performance is a movie filled with bad ones. This is not so much a criticism as it is an acknowledgement that the cast delivers exactly what Anaconda calls for. Ice Cube brings the hood to the jungle. J. Lo does her thing on a different block. Hyde never left the jungle after Jumanji. Stoltz spends most of the movie unconscious due to a Brazilian wasp sting. Wilson and Wuhrer are expendable and they know it. It’s a good thing Anaconda isn’t about the acting which is competent at best.
Bad movies typically contain generous amounts of dopey dialogue. Anaconda is no exception. Here are some of the better lines.
Serone: “Never look in the eyes, of those you kill. They will haunt you forever. I know”.
Serone: “They strike, wrap around you. Hold you tighter than your true love. And you get the privilege, of hearing your bones break before the power of embrace causes your veins to explode”.
Gary: “Is it just me, or does the jungle make you horny? I think it’s the jungle.”
It takes a special talent to write like this, but who gets the credit for these particular lines? Anaconda has three credited writers; Hans Bauer, Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. Luis Llosa (The Specialist) definitely gets props for bringing the whole affair together. And how was the Peruvian-born filmmaker rewarded for his effort? He hasn’t made another American movie since. HAH! That’s gratitude for you.
I’m not going to sit here and make believe Anaconda is the best snake movie ever made. No, that honor belongs to Snakes on a Plane. I will say that it ranks high on the list of giant snake movies. It’s a fun and funny movie and it proves the lasting power of Jaws to inspire addle-brained but smart rip-offs.
