The Barbarians (1987) Cannon/Fantasy-Action-Comedy RT: 87 minutes Rated R (bloody violence, nudity) Director: Ruggero Deodato Screenplay: James R. Silke Music: Pino Donaggio Cinematography: Gianlorenzo Battaglia Release date: March 20, 1987 (US)/April 24, 1987 (Italy) Cast: Peter Paul and David Paul (The Barbarian Brothers), Richard Lynch, Michael Berryman, Eva La Rue, Virginia Bryant, Sheeba Alahani, Franco Pistoni, Raffaella Baracchi, George Eastman. Box Office: $800,000 (US)
Rating: ***
I can’t count the times I passed on The Barbarians at the video store. I’d see the box on the shelf all the time, but always left it right where it was. I didn’t want to waste my time on movies not good enough for theatrical release. I look back on this now with deep regret. How could I be so narrow-minded? Had I known all that it had to offer a B-movie junkie like me, I’d have been all over it.
Let me count the ways The Barbarians is great. It’s a cheap Italian-made flick and it’s sword-and-sorcery, two things that go great together. It’s a Cannon production from the dream duo of Golan-Globus. I still get excited when I see that famous studio logo. It’s directed by the recently deceased Ruggero Deodato, the same guy who unleashed the controversial 1980 gorefest Cannibal Holocaust on the world. It stars twin bodybuilders Peter and David Paul, known professionally as The Barbarian Brothers, in the title roles. It also features two of my favorite character actors, Richard Lynch (Invasion USA) and Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes) in full camp mode. It’s scored by Pino Donaggio. It’s one of those totally, out of place electronic scores so popular in the 80s. While Donaggio worked on more prominent films, including several by Brian De Palma, it seems most appropriate to spotlight his work on another Cannon production, the Lou Ferrigno starrer Hercules. With a pedigree like this, I can’t believe I put off seeing it until now.
The plot of The Barbarians is the usual S&S nonsense about heroes and villains trying to get their hands on some magical object. In this case, it’s a ruby that gives the holder great power or some such silliness. As the movie opens, it’s in the possession of a tribe of travelling entertainers. They’re a peaceful bunch of clowns, jugglers and storytellers who live only to amuse and regale others. That is, until their caravan is attacked by marauders under the command of the evil tyrant Kadar (Lynch). He wants their ruby, but tribal leader Queen Canary (Bryant, Demons 2) makes sure it’s on its way to a safe place by the time he arrives on the scene. What he gets instead is maimed when twin kiddies Kutchek and Gore bite two of his fingers off. This, of course, pisses Kadar off to no end. He takes the boys prisoner along with Canary who agrees to be his captive wife in exchange for sparing their young lives.
A true man of his word, Kadar doesn’t kill Kutchek and Gore. Instead, he separates them and puts them to work in the quarry pits under the watchful eye of the Dirtmaster (Berryman), a cruel SOB who subjects them to all manner of brutality. When they’re not performing hard labor, they’re undergoing intensive gladiator training. Somehow, don’t ask me how, they manage to forget all about each other. What happened to the strong psychic connection that supposedly exists between identical twins? It’s a valid question, even in silly B-movies.
Eventually, the boys grow up to be super-strong adults with physiques that would make Conan jealous. All the training they received is about to be put to the test. Remember Kadar’s promise not to kill them? Well, he only promised they wouldn’t die by his hand or any of his subjects. He never said anything about making them kill each other. Gotta look out for those loopholes! With their faces concealed by clunky metal helmets, they engage in combat before a cheering crowd. It’s supposed to be a fight to the death, but it doesn’t work out that way. Did you really think it would?
It’s fair to say Kutchek and Gore aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack. Let me put it this way. If you combined their IQs and multiplied the total by two, it still wouldn’t exceed double digits. Once they see each other’s faces, it takes them a minute or two to remember they’re brothers. They celebrate this joyous family reunion by joining forces and escaping Kadar’s fortress. The plan is to return and rescue Canary who’s being kept in a cage in the harem room. First, they need to come up with an actual plan. They’re going to need some help. They team up with Ismene (La Rue, CSI: Miami), a thief about to be hanged by the surviving members of their old tribe. She escapes the hangman’s noose by promising to help the guys procure weapons.
Ismene knows a guy. This guy Jacko (Eastman, 1990: The Bronx Warriors) looks a lot like Hart Bochner’s character from Die Hard. I kept waiting for him to call somebody “bubby”. He hangs out at a tavern frequented by rough types who drink and brawl while a scantily clad dancer writhes around on stage like Madonna in heat. He offers to provide Kutchek and Gore all the weapons they need if one of them can beat him at arm wrestling. I think we can all guess who wins that match. A big brawl ensues and our heroes leave empty-handed.
Kutchek and Gore, along with their female companion, return to the fortress where they sneak into the harem room in an attempt to rescue Canary. She tells them to leave her where she is as there’s a more pressing matter. They have to travel to the “Forbidden Land” and retrieve the ruby from its hiding place. Along the way, they’ll need to stop by the “Tomb of the Ancient Soldier” to collect magic weapons that will allow them to fight the fearsome dragon guarding the treasure. This is what they need to do in order to defeat Kadar. Now I’m guessing time isn’t a factor since the guys pause for a private orgy with the other harem girls before they begin their quest. BTW, they’re not the only ones going after the coveted jewel. The evil sorceress China (Alahani) wants it too. It’s a power play against her master Kadar. When he learns of her treachery, he goes after it too with Canary in tow.
Although not technically a comedy, The Barbarians has more than its fair share of laughs, both intentional and (mostly) unintentional. The Barbarian Brothers, who also appeared in D.C. Cab and The Flamingo Kid, make Schwarzenegger look like Olivier. You can hardly call what they do here acting. It’s more like clowning around. As twin brothers, they have an easy sibling rapport. That they both possess incredible physical strength makes it even better. Sure, the boulders they lift, carry and move with ease are obviously fake. So is the dragon they do battle with in the Forbidden Land which, incidentally, is anything but a tourist attraction. It’s right down there with Chernobyl on the list of places to visit before you die.
La Rue, in an early role, displays more spunk than talent as Ismene. For the most part, her role consists of little more than her character standing by with a smile while her two companions goof around and behave like children imitating the Three Stooges (minus one). Lynch hams it up mightily while Berryman goes all-out crazy. I love seeing these guys in movies! Alahani, in her sole acting credit, is suitably evil as the sorceress with a sadistic streak.
The sets and costumes in The Barbarians are really quite good considering the movie’s low budget. The special effects, especially the creature FX, are cheap as they should be in an Italian-made Cannon film. The dragon has to be a prop from a theme park or something. The sword fighting is clumsy, but the two leads have a knack for belting people and throwing them around. It’s fun to watch Peter and the late David in action. They certainly seem to be having fun themselves. Deodato, who also directed the overlooked journalism splatter flick Cut and Run, does a fine job putting it all together. The movie is basically one big goof, but it has spirit and sincerity thanks to him.
I’m not going to try and convince you The Barbarians is a great film. What it is, my friends, is great fun. It’s one of those “so bad, it’s good” titles. There is so much to laugh and chuckle at. Me, I got a kick out of the waterfall conveniently located at the secret entrance to the Forbidden Land. It’s like some higher power knew that someday a couple of heroes will need to wash off sticky green dragon guts as they leave the place. Things like this are why I take such pleasure in viewing B-movies, sometimes more than once to get the full effect. I’m glad I finally sat down to watch The Barbarians. It’s the perfect movie to watch in January.
