Conan the Destroyer (1984) Universal/Action-Adventure-Fantasy RT: 101 minutes Rated PG (violence, alcohol use, frightening scenes with monsters) Director: Richard Fleischer Screenplay: Stanley Mann Music: Basil Poledouris Cinematography: Jack Cardiff Release date: June 29, 1984 (US) Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Tracey Walter, Mako, Olivia d’Abo, Sarah Douglas, Pat Roach, Jeff Corey, Sven-Ole Thorsen. Box Office: $31M (US)
Rating: **
When I heard they were doing a sequel to my all-time favorite movie Conan the Barbarian, I was elated. At the tender age of 16, I figured there was no way Conan the Destroyer could possibly suck. Oh, how naïve I was. My first clue should have been the PG rating, an indicator that the graphic bloody violence would be considerably toned down. Nonetheless, I showed up opening day, first show with high hopes that were dashed within the first 15 minutes.
It turns out it takes more than Schwarzenegger picking up a sword to make a proper Conan movie. He also needs to be the somber, bloodthirsty barbarian originally conceived by Robert E. Howard. In Conan the Destroyer, he’s become a more kid-friendly warrior with a tendency to clown around. Producer Dino DeLaurentiis and the studio agreed that securing a PG rating for the sequel would guarantee greater box office success. They even had director Richard Fleischer (Red Sonja) recut it when the MPAA originally slapped it with an R. It didn’t work out the way they hoped. Even though it made a profit, it wasn’t the giant hit they anticipated.
The tale begins with Conan being summoned to the palace of Queen Taramis (Douglas, Superman II) who has a job for him. Along with his new companion, dim thief Malak (Walter, Repo Man) he is to escort her naïve niece Princess Jehnna (d’Abo, The Wonder Years) on a quest to retrieve a jeweled horn that will bring the dreaming god Dagoth back to life. In return, the queen promises to bring Conan’s lost love Valeria back from the dead. She sends her captain of the guards Bombaata (basketball star Chamberlain) with them purportedly to protect the teen princess’ virtue. He has secret orders to kill Conan once Jehnna has the horn. Along the way, they pick up an additional traveling companion, African warrior Zula (rock singer Jones), after Conan helps her out of a deadly situation.
What hurts Conan the Destroyer the most is its light-hearted approach to the material. I get that Universal wanted to broaden its box office potential by placing the emphasis on fantasy and magic. They turned it into a movie for children. It still has numerous clanging sword fights only now you don’t see the swords cut, slash and penetrate the person on the receiving end. A typical shot shows a close-up of Conan’s face as he thrusts his sword into somebody. Yeah, that’s just not going to cut it.
Fleischer spoils it further by attempting to add humor. Nobody takes any of it seriously this time although to be fair, how seriously can you take any situation involving monsters, wizards and magical objects? Still, there’s way too much joking around. Conan is supposed to be a somber character NOT a fool who drunkenly tries to teach the ditzy princess how to handle a sword. I know Malak is supposed to be comic relief, but he’s actually more of a disconnect than anything else. His goofy demeanor and idiotic bumbling take the viewer right out of the picture. He’s not a good fit. Disappointingly, Mako’s wizard from the original is reduced to comic relief as well.
Schwarzenegger flubs it this time, but the fault lies mainly with Fleischer who directed him to act the fool. Jones, with her fierce look, makes a nice addition to the cast. Her character wields a mean staff; it would have been cool to actually see her split some heads open with it (damn PG rating!). Wilt the Stilt appears to be trying, but doesn’t quite pull it off. That’s my nice way of saying he’s a lousy actor. Douglas is perfectly cast as the evil queen. She always makes a good villainess. As for d’Abo, I see little difference between her character and any random teen girl hanging out at the local mall. I kept waiting for her to lapse into valley girl speak. It’s a good thing she’s beautiful because her acting skills are the pits.
In the end, Conan the Destroyer is simply too childish and idiotic. Call me a purist, but I prefer Conan in his original somber, serious form. I wanted more of what director John Milius and writer Oliver Stone did two years earlier. Even the score by Basil Poledouris feels too toned down. It’s more rousing than stirring. The special effects are decent enough, especially when Dagoth comes to life, but I miss the 36-foot snake.
Conan the Destroyer wants to be fun in the worst way. I really wanted to like it. I tried like hell to like it. I couldn’t do it. I left the theater feeling empty and dejected. What little enjoyment I got out of it was forced and unnatural. It stands as proof that sequels aren’t equals. The makers made a grave mistake in trying to attract the kiddie crowd. Oh well, that’s Hollywood for you. God bless the almighty $$$, damn purity.
